the oscars, as told by twitter.

i, @kylieinthesky, have never watched a televised award show.

i love celebrities.

i love fashion. 

i love movies and music and tv.

but besides about 5 minutes of the 2010 CMA's, i have never seen a televised award show.

#thesearemyconfessions

the oscars on sunday night were no exception. however, in all the post-oscar talk sunday night and monday, i found that i could keep up pretty darn well for not having watched even a second of it. so well, in fact, that i even found myself dominating on the 2014 oscars category of quizup. whaddup.

of course, this is all thanks to twitter, which was overwhelmingly active for about 4 hours sunday night as everyone and their friggin' mom live-tweeted the thing. and ellen, of course. #oscars #blessed

via

so i present to you now, the best parts of the oscars through the twitter-lens.

first off, there were an insane amount of selfies taken. including, of course, the selfie that shut down twitter:

and i can attest that it did in fact shut down twitter. my page wouldn't reload for about 20 minutes. this epic selfie is at 3 million retweets so far, which is about 2.2 million more than the next most retweeted tweet, which was from obama after he won the 2012 re-election.

why do i know so many stats about twitter?

and since liza minnelli missed out on the group selfie, she got her own one later on:

i see her and all i see is lucille 2. too much arrested development indoctrination last year.

of course j-law played a pretty present role as well. besides starring in the selfie that shut down twitter, she also tripped out of her limo over a traffic cone.

and since she tripped last year too, this is definitely going to become a thing. 

like...they're bright orange for a reason but....

then jorn tramolto went and introduced adele dazim to the stage to sing the grammy-winning "let it go". 

only neither of those people are real bc john travolta really struggles with reading under pressure, apparently. idk, maybe he's just getting a little old? the point is, he butchered idina menzel's name past the point of recognition.

WTF?!

and twitter still isn't over it:

and neither is the internet bc this also exists now.

and of course there was lupita.
before last night, i didn't even know who lupita nyong'o was. i don't go to a lot of movies on my college budget, and 12 years a slave is rated R, which means i most likely will never see it. but there is no denying that this young woman is flawless:

via

twitter also told me, with much sadness and disappointment, that leo dicap left the award show still perpetually-oscarless. 

matthew mcconaughey won instead, and leo made sure to give him a real nice hug as his oscar hopes and dreams were crushed once again.

^^^twitter was nailing it.

and then tumblr tuned in as well, and i died a little:

and of course, we wrapped up the night with a freakin' celebrity pizza party. 

now, if ya'll know anything about me, you know that i love pizza. i love it so hard. and to see brad pitt passing out plates as ellen serves pizza to the most talented actors and actresses in hollywood....like, i'm actually getting emotional thinking about it. ellen is the coolest person to ever live in fame.

via

this. this is everything. 

and there you have it. pizza, selfies, lupita, tramolto, and leo the bridesmaid. everything twitter taught me about the 2014 oscars. 

over and out.
totally posted

the bachelor: week finale

welp. here it is everyone. the last bachelor commentary of the season! in which i think i talk more about chris harrison than anyone else, and i obsess over sean's perfect father. 

brought to you by me, stéf, julie, laura, rachel, and alyssa. 

enjoy!

+We’re getting our Martinelli's on tonight, you guys. Britney/Daniella style.
+Okay so I just realized that I won’t be satisfied with this show until Chris Harrison finds love.
+Why aren’t there any gay men in this live studio audience?
+You probably shouldn’t say that you’re “madly in love” with two people, Sean.
+THE CHILDREN. Literally the best part of any show. Ever.
+We legit thought the kids yelled "Daddy!" to Sean.

+Twist in the plotline….Sean has two kids.
+“Emily didn’t pick you!”
+BAHAHA. 

+Best line all season.
+Sean’s mom looks like she could be the Primary General President.
+Alyssa is proposing a Sister Wives/Bachelor spinoff mashup and I accept.

Catherine:
+I just remembered how much I love Sean’s dad!
+Look at this classy family drinking WATER in the middle of the day.

+Or vodka?

+JK. Britney left a long time ago.
+Alyssa likes the whole family sitting on one side of the table a la Last Supper.
+“If we didn’t already know she wins, this could be her last supper….” ~Julie
+Catherine is adorable.
+SEAN’S DAD.
+You guys, he's like cuter than a tiny baby and a white Alaskan husky puppy combined.
+I think that Catherine has watched Win A Date with Tad Hamilton a few too many times. All these "great love" references.
+(Actually, you can’t possibly watch that movie too many times, so it's excused.)
+Sean’s dad is human perfection. I think he might literally be the sweetest person on the planet.
+OH MY GOSH, she doesn’t have a dad and Sean’s dad just told her that he would be her biggest fan. STOP IT. STOP IT.
+Julie is crying.
+Sean’s dad is too perfect for TV.
+Okay so....classy van.
+“Here, let me help you into the rape van.” ~Rachel

Lindsay:
+“Grab his head! Like a GRAPEFRUIT!” ~Julie

+I don't know, you guys.
+Better dress choice this time, Linds. And she brought a present! Good one.
+I wonder how relieved he was that she didn’t get out of that rape van in a wedding dress.
+Okay, I really do like Lindsay, but….she sounds like a bimbo.
+“I swear, I’m not a bimbo!” Inside joke.
+Mom’s like, “Hahaha, smile smile smile, you’re not marrying my son.” ~Julie
+Okay, I can’t get over Sean’s dad.
+It’s becoming a ~situation.
+He has a pink undershirt, and Julie thinks this is significant.
+Linds flips her hair when she is nervous.
+Lindsay’s crying now too.
+BUT AREN’T WE ALL.
+Sean’s dad makes me feel emotions.
+Lindsay. That was weird.
+BUT THIS MAN IS TOO GOOD TO BE HUMAN.
+“I’m in a love with Sean’s dad!” “Not in a weird way, but just in a ……way.”
+Like what if I just kidnapped the children?
+No. Kylie, no.
+You have gotten over this obsession.

Family counsel about Sean's life:
+“How are you gonna make this decision?” ~Mom
+Eenie meenie minie mo.
+Have them play rock, paper, scissors.

+Fight to the death.
+Dance off.

+Hunger Games.
+"Why hasn’t there been a Gay Bachelor yet? One man. 25 other men." ~Alyssa

+We suspect there would be a lot of inner-house romances if they were all attracted to each other.
 +“He made his button-up into a v-neck so like, it works.” ~Alyssa

Lindsay's Date:

+Blue tank top and red shorts. 

+"Provo all star outfit. He just got got back from Gold’s Gym and is about to go hang out in the Village hot tub.” ~Alyssa
+“Why did she tie her shirt?” ~Rach
+“Because it’s the 90's, apparently.” ~Alyssa
+“It’s just the two of us!” ~Lindsay
+“And….the little Thai man who had better be getting the best tip of his life.
+“This is our last date!” ~Lindsay
+“Literally EVER.” ~Alyssa
+Two Thai men! Bonus.

+Drinking in the morning again. Typical.
+I think Lindsay is getting a little tipsy already.
+Either that, or she’s losing control of her neck muscles.

+Every time she says anything she leans her head way back and does this weird.....thing.
+There has to be physical therapy for that.
+Good idea to get drunk in the morning on the day of your last chance to prove to him that he should pick you.
+Alyssa has read a lot of articles about Sean’s “born-again virginity”.
+So…that’s something.
+Okay, I would not be okay with a cozy date like this IN A DRESS. 

+GIVE ME SWEATS OR GIVE ME DEATH.
+"If I don’t leave here with him, I will have nothing!" ~Lindsay
+Except your drunkenness immortalized on film.
+But whatever.
+Okay, I’m not hating, I really do like Lindsay.
+But watching this show finale when you already know who wins is kinda like beating a dead horse, so we’re getting a little distracted.

Catherine’s Date:
+This live showing is so insignificant.
+Okay, we think they are legitimately telling them to match. This can't be coincidence anymore.

+Catherine seeing this elephant is approximately the equivalent of Kristen Bell meeting a sloth.
+Alyssa now added “elephant-riding pants” to her birthday list so.
+No one has misused the word literally this ep yet and I’m literally disappointed.
+WAIT.
+EVERYONE GO FIND SEAN ON TWITTER AND LOOK AT HIS PAGE PICTURE RIGHT NOW.
+Okay, you can come back.
+“Does Catherine speak a different language?” ~Rachel
+“Lindsay does. Bimbo.” ~Alyssa
+Okay now they’re both wearing black. So….there is no doubt in my mind that they were asked to coordinate their outfits.
+It's just....SWEATS. 

+BUM TOUCHING.
+Lots of it.
+“I love you.”
+“…..You’re really pretty.”
+Okay, he didn’t actually say that, but...
+Guys, remember how Sean ran after Emily like 12 times last season?
+Good times.
+Aw, poor Catherine.
+“Sean is a murderer of love.”
+“Or people.” ~Laura

+"......"
+Curled in the fetal position, butt almost hanging out.
+Although, compared to Bachelors past, that butt is pretty well contained.
+Okay, they don’t let gay men in the live studio audience  because their aggressive passion for Chris Harrison just can't be safe.

Sean talking to himself in a towel:
+I'm not even surprised that I just wrote that as the title of this section.
+Neil Lane: I have the best job ever! I make rings that the majority of buyers end up returning! It’s pure bliss!
+More shirtless scenes. Making up for last week's lack of such.
+SEAN JUST SHOWED EMOTION.
+It might be because of how much he is regretting his proposal tie choice.
+Oh, Lindsay. You poor thing. You are going to be so heartbroken..
+Catherine in gold. Lindsay in silver.
+"Coincidence?! I think NOT! This little rat is guilty!" ~Name that movie

+Actually the 3rd time I've quoted that today in context...
+Okay, Lesley is LOVING her extended 15 minutes of fame. I think she was pretty much born for this.
+“What if Sarah came back and she just had another arm?” ~Rachel
+AshLee: “I’m a more reserved…”
+Cat?
+Why did they bring AshLee back anyways?
+Brunette Malin Ackerman deserves a job as a news anchor or weather girl. She’s too beautiful.
+Oh look, statues! That’s what we want to see right now!
+NOT THE END OF THIS BLASTED SHOW OR ANYTHING .

Lindsay:
+You are way too confident, honey.
+This is the best day of my life!
+Actually….no.
+Baby steps to the altar because her dress is too tight for movement and she's in bazillion inch heels.
+"At the beginning I was insecure..." 

+“I was hiding my insecurities in 15 pounds of tulle.” ~Alyssa
+“You have been such a surprise.” ~Sean.
+What…does that even mean? 

+Complisult.
+Oh, you poor thing.
+THIS SHOW IS CRUEL.
+I am so not okay with him breaking that girl’s heart!!!

+Boobs? No boobs.
+Peace out, girl scout!
+Okay Sean, stop talking. You’re making it worse.
+Why does anyone ever sign up for this show? Like for reals?
+She’s handling it so well though.
+Lindsay, you are a freakin’ classy woman. 

+Way to just take off your shoes girlfriend! 

+Sean is literally the worst person at breaking up with people.
+Okay so maybe I’m totally shipping Chris Harrison and Lindsay on this walk out?
+Okay lbh, I would ship Chris Harrison and almost anyone.
+Okay brilliant new plan: We’re signing Alyssa up for the Bachelor as a missionary plot. She’ll get him to like her, then back out on week 4 or 5, but give him a Book of Mormon as she leaves. Mission Accomplished. Literally mission accomplished.

+(Thanks Laura for that pun.)

Catherine:
+Letter from Catherine. I legit wonder if they would have let her give him that if he had picked Lindsay.

+Probably. This show has no care for people's feelings.
+So they’re almost wearing the same exact dress, just different colors....
+“Will you give me a dollar if I cry? At the proposal?” ~Alyssa to Julie
+“I found a dollar on the ground in Physics today.” ~Alyssa
+“……”
+I’m really not okay with that weird bird head thing that’s behind Sean’s face.
+But the purple flowers. Dying over them.
+She’s so pretty!
+“You never cease to amaze me.”
+That wasn’t cliché. Not even a little bit.
+“I don’t want to say goodbye anymore!”
+STAHHHHHHHP.
+"Wait, this is so unexpected! I didn’t even know you liked me!" ~Catherine
+Stop it. 

+I can’t handle proposals right now, you guys.
+She is hyperventilating., and I’m pretending like it’s not weird, but maybe?
+Catherine gets the beef!
+The rose isn’t legit because CH didn’t come in and announce it.
+Hope you wore your elephant riding pants under that dress!
+So officially, if you can’t follow an engagement up with an elephant ride into the sunset, it’s not a real engagement.
+Keep that in mind, fellas.

After the Final Rose:
+This will be brief.
+I PROMISE.
+A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE!
+But whoa. There is a lot of estrogen in that room right now.
+The whole audience is wearing solids.
+I bet the whole audience gets on the same cycle just from this one night together.
+“Before we get to her, we have to talk about Lindsay.” ~CH
+“Wait…who’s Lindsay?” ~Sean
+As Sean is talking about the hardest thing he’s ever done, I said something really funny and I can’t type it on the blog for.....reasons, but I just want everyone to know that Alyssa was laughing really really hard, and that I'm really funny.
+I think Sean is the only guy who looks better in a black suit than a gray one.
+Lindsay is super classy.
+She keeps getting over this and explaining herself and then CH just brings it back to her being heartbroken again.
+RUDE.
+Come on CH, pull it together.
+America’s most popular couple?
+UM….excuse me.
+Jim and Pam?
+Michelle and Barack Obama?
+JLaw and Josh Hutcherson? (ugh, not a real couple, but one day...)
+Um…who else?

+PB and J?
+Pretty much much anyone?
+Yup.
+What if Chris Harrison were the one in the interviews with his shirt off?
+“What do you think CH looks like with his shirt off?” ~Alyssa
+Let’s fantasize about this….not.
+Her eyebrows are perfect.
+The letter really didn’t have an impact even a little bit so….
+I legitimately think that Sean’s first sentence about Catherine was “I just want to snuggle with her!”
+Why is CH still asking stupid questions?
+Alyssa thinks they should have fan questions during ATFR.
+She’s been taking notes for a letter to Chris Harrison this whole time.
+“Do you think it’ll be  more influential if it’s handwritten than typed?" ~Alyssa
+Yes. But only if you use your finest calligraphy.
+“I’ve been practicing for MONTHS.” ~Alyssa
+We all agree that Chris Harrison’s nose gets a little bit longer and slightly more curved with every season of this show.
+Why am I not surprised that CH is an ordained minister?
+How has your life changed in the past year?
+“Well, he likes a different girl…” ~Rach
 

Next Season:
+Yay for Des!
+They’re going to corrupt her so fast.
+Okay, there is definitely something between Chris and Des.
+Can you guys imagine Chris hosting himself as the Bachelor?
+“Chris. Ladies. This is the final rose. When I’m ready.”

+Okay, it's late. I'm done.

so. that was loooooooong. hope you enjoyed it as much as we did! also, i'm kinda really doubting that i have any girl friends over the summer to watch bachelorette with, so we'll see if commentary actually happens. if you're in provo over the summer and want to start a bach-watching group, let me know!

the bachelor: week 7

hometowns! in which kylie gets mad about steak again, and maybe julie cries?

brought to you by me, shybree, julie, stéf, lisa, and laura.

+Here go hometowns, y’all!

+(That y’all was for Sean, cause his hometown is Texas.)

+And cause I say y’all.

AshLee’s Hometown

+Feline AshLee has a dog. So….that’s weird.

+There are candles around our entire apartment right now (long story) so it’s pretty romantic in here, and we all kinda feel like we’re going on a group date with Sean.

+"She has a dad? I thought she was adopted…." ~Julie

+Uh…Julie….

+Oh hey guys, news flash! Tying your shirt around your waist is back!

+“You’re so handsome, I just love looking at you!”

+Gag.

+Drinking in the morning.

+So…AshLee’s voice is pretty much the same as Yzma’s voice when she’s a cat in Emperor’s New Groove.

+“At least she doesn’t match her pet like some people do.” ~Shy

+I wonder if the producers made him bring flowers.

+Her dad looks like he should be a cartoon character, and I kinda love it.

+Shybree thinks her eyebrows are dyed, and I wouldn't know any better, so we're saying that they are.

+I’m sorry, AshLee, but are you crying about the polar bear plunge?

+You should probably see a therapist.

+Wait, you left EVERYTHING in the water? 

+Sketch.

+I love AshLee’s mother. And I love her scowl as AshLee talks about her “romance” on the beach.

+I just can’t wait until AshLee’s parents see her "fornicating in the ocean" scene from last week.

+Actually, they should not see that. They could possibly have heart attacks. 

+Mom didn’t get the plaid memo.

+“How can you not feel like a toolbag?” ~Stef

+Pastor Dad’s a good guy.

+Bless his spiky dyed head.

+Laura thinks this is probably the first meal they’ve ever eaten outside.

+But Julie says it’s a “Houston” thing, so.

+We can’t handle Pastor Daddy’s tears.

+That was adorable.

+Maybe it’s the love that’s happening between father and daughter right now, but I totally looked at AshLee just now and didn’t think even think about a cat.

Catherine’s Hometown

+We like Catherine.

+I’m digging Catherine’s rings.

+I would never catch giant dead flying fish for someone.

+Sorry, Boyfriend.

+I ate salmon for you, but that’s my limit.

+ELBOW PATCHES.

+I don’t know why that was significant, but it probably has something to do with Ted Mosby.

+Hipsters in Seattle, playing the banjo. Perfect.

+She is Filipino! Good guess, Laura.

+Photo booth pictures are adorable, and now I want some.

+We’re all really wishing that the grandma hand to forehead thing was a mean joke to make Sean look stupid, because goodness knows he deserves it.

+You guys, I’m having trouble finding things to criticize about Catherine.

+LUMPIA. SO GOOD.

+The grandma is so Mulan grandma right now!

+One of the sisters is significantly less Filipino-looking.

+Okay honey, you can’t just try a marriage out. 

+Oldest sister is SO gorgeous.

+And she’s REALLY good at talking right now.

+Obviously I mean that she is struggling to even string together two coherent words.

+At least we know she’s not reading a script?

+I like Filipino mom a lot. She’s super real.

+Shouldn’t he be asking Catherine about kids and marriage and stuff?

Lindsay’s Hometown

+I think Lindsay got a mini makeover since last ep.

+A little heavy on the makeup, but overall she looks super classy.

+They are zooming in on anything patriotic, just in case we all forgot that Lindsay is an Army Brat.

+And the slow country beat in the background.

+Love it.

+More drinking in the morning. Britney would approve.

+I love how nervous Sean is. We’ve never seen him like this before.

+“Do you think he’ll ask me any questions?”

+Nope. Just drop and give me twenty.

+She’s doing this entire role play just so she can slap his butt and watch him work out.

+“Kiss me harder!”

+You have got to be kidding me.

+How tall is Sean???

+Google check: 6’3”

+Lisa pulled up the Kiss Leaderboard during commercial. Even with Tierra gone, Catherine still hasn’t moved into the top 4.

+General Dad doesn’t look like a general. He looks too nice.

+Funny how she didn’t mention being completely wasted that first night...

+Homeboy handled the whole “I love you” business really well.

+He is SO nervous about meeting her dad!

+Sean has ruined the phrase “I’m crazy about her…” for all of us. Forever. 

+I’m so bummed that it didn’t show Sean awkwardly stumble over what to call General Dad.

+Psh. The commercials made it seem like that talk was going to be so much worse than it was!

+Lame.

+But serious props to Sean for asking a two star general for his blessing two hours after meeting him. 

+General Dad is a huge softie!

+And her brother is SO awkward. 

+Omg, I’m super bummed that he didn’t get more screen time.

Desiree’s Hometown

+Sean, that is a weird outfit, and you should not have been allowed to wear it.

+Why are you trying to color-block like that?

+Just stop.

+Do you think she’ll get a chance to change from her work out clothes?

+That hiking scene was so the first two minutes of A Cinderella Story.

+Lesley’s gone, so Desiree had to fill in the skanky back shirt role.

+“Or NOT fill in.” ~Laura

+YES!!!!! Ex-boyfriend is showing up!!!

+Okay wait. This is SO scripted.

+Lisa is calling that this is a prank and she’s trying to get him back for the art thing.

+If this is true (which I am totally thinking too), Des will be the best person ever.

+TOTALLY a joke.

+Haha! He definitely deserved that.

+I wish Sean would have at least punched the guy first though.

+Just kidding. Violence is bad. 

+Okay wait…..those are her parents?

+They…do not look like her parents. 

+LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH.

+This family is on laughing gas. 

+Her mom is so Toula pre-makeover on My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

+Des and Mom moment is adorable.

+Her parents are so timid and awkward and adorable.

+Is brother older or younger?

+Younger, I think.

+Des is definitely the most socially competent person in this family. 

+NO ONE IS EATING THAT STEAK AND AGAIN, I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT.

+After commercial break and in a small, timid voice “They even had broccoli…” ~Julie

+Brother isn’t socially competent. So…this is getting increasingly awkward for everyone.

+Although, gotta admit we loved this:

+“I’m crazy about your sister.” ~Sean

+“You’re crazy about a lot of girls though, right?” ~Brother

+RIGHT, SEAN?! RIGHT?!

+Sean is really handling this like a man, though.

+It’s probably a really good thing I saw this episode after meeting (and loving) Boyfriend’s family.

+THAT STEAK IS GOING COLD, LIKE DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW WHAT A BLESSING THAT STEAK IS?!

+Brother pushed the plate of food away from him. 

+I’m sorry, but did you guys hear that? He pushed the plate of food away. 

+“I WILL TAKE THAT STEAK!!!!” ~Me, actually shouting at the screen

+Aw, poor thing. Brother ruined this whole thing for her.

+He…has an issue. Like, a social…..something.

+Yes, I realize my two classes of human development do not qualify me to diagnose any social disorders.

+I'm just saying...something was a little off.

Rose Ceremony

+Wow, we haven’t seen a shirtless scene in awhile!

+“Ooh, that is some Calvin Klein underwear.” ~Julie, wagging her eyebrows at us

+Okay, let’s just all admit that these Chris Harrison therapy sessions are the best part of this show.

+“Are all 4 girls literally on the chopping block tonight?” ~CH

+LITERALLY. They are LITERALLY on a chopping block.

+As in, it is about to get all crazy ax murderer up in here, because they are all LITERALLY on a chopping block.
+No cocktail parties on this date. Hope you brought your flasks ladies, or else you will be handling this stone-cold sober.

+No matter what his decision was before, he’s gonna pick Catherine to stay, just because of how visible her boobs are right now.

+Laura thinks that AshLee would really benefit from anything but a middle part, and I agree.

+THE MUSIC.

+Do you think there's someone in the next room playing these drums? Cause it looked like they all reacted to the music starting.

+I just feel like they deserve to hear the mood music too.

+Des wins best dressed tonight. Like, easily.

+Sean really loves the sob story that AshLee comes with. Cause he definitely can’t feel any chemistry with her. 

+I mean, she's a cat, so they're technically not even the same species.

+“But Des has a really good poker face.” ~Julie

+Which is essential to a working relationship apparently.

+Lindsay for the win. 

+We’re not emotionally prepared for anyone but AshLee to go home, so we should probably stop watching right now.

+“What? What? What? What? What? What?” ~Lisa, in AshLee’s Yzma cat voice

+Okay, the mood people are having such a good time with this episode. They are trying all sorts of new sound effects tonight.

+“My advice to you tonight….get this right.” ~CH

+…….helpful.

+I CANNOT TYPE FAST ENOUGH FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

+The snark is flowing too fast!

+Intensely thoughtful gaze at the shelf with their picture frames....

+So basically, the decision comes down to who looks better in their publicity shot.

+How much extra do you think they would have to pay him to make him pick up one of their pictures and dramatically let it fall to the floor and break?

+Okay, I'm just saying...I'd be a good stage manager for this show is all.

+Des deserves so much better than Sean.

+Good thing she has that poker face as he brutally crushes her heart and her soul.

+Now the music is Scottish?

+Sean is LITERALLY the worst person at breaking up with someone.

+Ha! Take that CH. I just took your favorite word and used it properly!

+“This is probably a mistake….”

+Oh thank you, Sean. That makes this SO much easier.

+This is the hardest breakup to watch. 

+HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?!?!

+“Des.” ~Sean

+“DON’T YOU DES HER!!!” ~Julie
+Uh oh. Julie thinks she's crying now. 
+Wow. This is emotional.

+This is not a break up hug. 

+Oh my gosh, Sean, you are the worst. 

+Someone fire Sean from this position.

+Someone fire Sean from LIFE.

+He just successfully ruined the next year of her life, because she is never going to be able to get over him now.

+Next bachelorette, maybe?

+We’d watch!

+Okay, lbh, we’d watch anyways.

+Oh my gosh, we’re just realizing that Des was at the VERY top of the Kiss Leaderboard, and now she is gone. 

+What a loss.

welp. that's all folks! i hope you were thoroughly entertained. we will not be commentating sean's tell all, but prepare for next week's fantasy suite dates of awkwardness, cause oh boy will we be present. 

the bachelor: week 6

yes. this is indeed last week's commentary. if any of you are behind like me, because you actually have things that rank higher in priority than this show, feel free to read on. otherwise, skip this post and tune in later this week for hometowns. 

i love that this picture exists and that i didn't have to photoshop the words on it, because someone else on the internet already did it for me.

+I can already tell that there is going to be a lot of inappropriate boob coverage in this episode, so brace yourself, kids.

+And Tierra, literally everything about you is awful so…

AshLee's Date 

+AshLee is very sweet, but they don’t have any chemistry.

+Oh thank goodness he asked about Tierra.

+This mid-ocean make-out scene is disgusting.

+Shybree is now contemplating what it would feel like to go running with fake boobs like AshLee.

+Probably not good.

+Legit thought Catherine’s name was Christina until this very second.

+Tierra is actually complaining about her one-on-one? Wooooow.

+They’re actually tanning outdoors! Maybe they left the tanning booth in the States.

+Lesley is so high school.

+Sexy? That’s how you’re going to describe your date with AshLee? The date that was broadcast on national television? Classy.

+“I haven’t felt this way about someone in a loooong time.” ~Sean

+“Seriously? Oh, you mean since like, yesterday?!” ~Stef

+Uh oh. AshLee has something to tell him.

+She’s married.

+She’s actually a man.

+Her mom is a cat, and that’s why she looks like a feline.

+Ah ha! She WAS married! First guess. We win.

+Wow, she got married in high school. That’s crazy.

+She made a really big deal over that though, and it wasn’t that big.

+Midriff is sooo 90's, AshLee.

+Don’t say it, AshLee.

+Don’t say the L word.

+That was so awkward.

+This is so awkward.

+“AshLee is…..special.”

+Good response, Sean.

+Ah….cringe.

Tierra’s Date

+Apparently you win Tierra’s love by buying her things. That’s healthy.

+I don’t have anything to say about this date because every thought is so mean and I’m trying to hold it in.

+Like when Sean said she had a good personality?

+Oooooookay.

+WAIT. PAUSE. STOP.

+Go to this website.

+NOW.

+Okay. We’re back. 

+“If I find out that another girl has thrown me under the bus…” ~Tierra

+Let’s LITERALLY throw her under a bus.

+See? I can’t say anything nice. Sorry guys.

+“There was a little distant from you.”

+No.

+I mean, now I’m just nitpicking grammar, because that’s the nicest thing I can do.

+Awkward feet shot.

+EW. Her toes are disgusting!

+Get a pedicure if your feet are going to be on national television.

+Like, for reals.

+He could so easily push her off the dock right now, and no one would even blame him.

+“Ew! He just ate her!” ~Shybree

Group Date

+Why is Sean the cruelest person ever?

+Waking these girls up with a camera in the middle of the night?

+Mean.

+They were good sports though.

+Okay, that sunrise is really cool. No lies.

+Catherine is not the most intelligent person, but she is pretty good for Sean.

+AND Jaimei said she won the Most Attractive poll in her Psychology class so…

+Lbr, Sean doesn’t know any of these girls well enough to meet their parents.

+Okay, wait.

+I legit need a treehouse in my life right now.

+How did Desiree score shotgun?

+Anyone else feel like that would’ve been the scariest and most vicious game of shotgun EVER?

+Lindsay…

+Lindsay looks like a rodent when she is wet.

+There. I said it.

+Gee, too bad he can’t rotate them through for the “sexy” beach make-outs.

+Okay, Des is my favorite, but I think she deserves better than Sean.

+I like Catherine for him though.

+Her family thing was way bigger than AshLee’s marriage thing, and she did not freak out about it, so points there, too.

+“I know that the three of you are the three for me.”

+How beautifully monogamous of you, Sean.

+“The crazy girl in the wedding dress…” ~Lindsay.

+Lindsay. Honey. Why are you proud of the wedding dress?

Lesley’s Date

+“I’ve known him for awhile now…” ~Lesley

+Oh? Like…6 weeks, tops?

+Oh Lesley. You are a fool.

+She’s wearing too much blush. And eyeshadow.

+Bleh. Lesley, you are boring.

+And awkward.

+And you act like you’re in high school.

+I feel awkward about this date.

+Oh phew! It's over.

Tierra Fall out in the House

+Tierra. You are the most ridiculous person ever.

+But I am so excited for this, you guys.

+AshLee is SO wanting this conversation to happen.

+THAT’S MY FACE. I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS.

+Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.

+If I could walk around 24/7 with a smile on, I would, but that would make my face freakin’ tired! 

+QUICK SIDE NOTE: Sean’s sister definitely got those bubble earrings on etsy. They are way too blogger chic. (Yup. Found them. Here.)

+How many times do you think she’s said the word ‘sabotage’ in the past ten minutes?

+She’s not even crying. There are literally NO tears on her face.

+“I want to tell you…”

+I can’t control my eyebrows.

+“I do this because I care.”

+And I can’t control my eyebrows.

+“There are actually no real tears on my face.”

+CAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS.

+She is trying SO hard to produce tears right now!

+Okay, can we just all be so grateful that his sister came here today?

+QUIT SAYING YOU ARE CRAZY ABOUT THEM.

+I just salmon-slapped Sean in my head.

+Also, that was the worst way to break up with someone.

+But thank our lucky stars that TIERRA IS GONE.

+You have no reason to be sorry? Really?

+You just made this entire season awful to watch, but WHATEVER.

+Don’t worry about the viewers.

+“I just want to go home!”

+Convenient that you said that after he sent…you…home.

+“Nobody will take my sparkle away.”

+NOBODY.

+Okay, quick question: Who packed her bags for her?

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

+I think Lesley really enjoys drama.

+She doesn’t really instigate it, but she seriously likes that it’s happening.

+Lindsay wins best dressed of the night.

+AshLee, even if you get a rose tonight (which I know you do, I heard spoilers), you are not going to win this thing.

+I think it’s going to be Catherine or Lindsay that wins.

+Des is too good for him, and AshLee….is half-feline.

+“This is my husband. And love does conquer all.”

+Stop talking.

+I think Lesley is sadder to say bye to the girls than to Sean.

+Also, the girls are like….scary close this season.

+To the point where Catherine thinks Lesley should have stayed and her go?

+This makes no logical sense whatsoever.

okay so i’m really excited for des's brother to try and fight sean next week. because they are both huge.

we are going to watch hometowns earlier this week, i promise! commentary will be up soon! (ish)