Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 5

We're a day late, but we did this for YOU!

The Land of Enchantment

+I'm sorry but...

+SANTA FE?!

+Seems like the perfect place to fall in love?!

+"They could take them to North Korea and they would say it's the perfect place to fall in love." -Lyss

+Someone please tell me this blond chick knows that Santa Fe is in the US.

+Please.

+Someone also please tell me who this blond chick is.

+I'm so sick of talking about Ashley I. being a virgin.

+"Our cheers are sooooo much better than theirs." -Lyss

Third Party Sex Guru

+Carly got the one-on-one that said "Let's come together", and we were really hoping she would sing "Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

+PLOT TWIST.

+This is a two-on-one date with a yoga instructor.

+Why is this woman here?

+Okay, I just saw that she's a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" and now I'm actually scared for the next several minutes of all our lives.

+Update: Chris cannot match pitch while meditating.

+This is the weirdest date that has ever happened on this show and that is actually saying a lot because remember the overnight tent party?

+"Chris is just weird and not funny." -Lyss

+"This date is not what I expected!" -Chris

+Oh but ELAN KNEW.

+Update: My home teacher's name is Elan. 

+So.

+So apparently there's a question on the application for the Bachelor that asks you your greatest fear, and that's how they knew that Carly was afraid of physical intimacy?

+OH MY GOSH, THEY WOULD MAKE ME SWIM WITH SHARKS.

+I HATE SHARKS.

+Literally tearing up right now thinking about sharks. I can't.

+Carly is so great.

+But everything about this date is a nightmare.

+Almost as bad as sharks.

+This is a horrible situation to have a third party sex guru watching.

+But I truly can't wait for Chris to give Third Party Sex Guru the rose.

+LOL JK CARLY'S #1.

+Lots of talking and it's v normal so sorry, not typing anything.

+WAIT.

+IS CHRIS WEARING A TURTLENECK?!?!
+K wait. False alarm.

+Close call, though.

+"When it's love, I think you'll do almost anything to be with that person." -Carly

+"Like when Jim came back from Philadelphia for Pam." -Lyss

+"Or when Sean got Catherine an elephant to ride into the sunset on." -Me

This Would Be Better if it Was the Salt River

+Half of these girls aren't even on a date with Chris. They're just on a boat with a bearded man.

+"He's probably a better conversationalist." -Lyss

+Mackenzie is so young.

+"And getting younger?" -Lyss

+I have not and will never check the spelling of her name, so hopefully I'm spelling it right.

+It's looks like the producers are making Kelsey look crazier than she is, but I'm still scared.

+If no one references Newsies during this episode in Santa Fe, I'm gonna be pissed.

+Why are old girls coming back?

+Why is this consistently a plotline on this show?

+I have seen too many seasons of this, you guys.

+Things are getting boring and I'm almost totally positive that he's not gonna let Jordan stay, so Lyss and I are eating crackers with cheese.

+Shredded cheese.

+Like, bite of cracker, then a handful of cheese in your mouth.

+This is booooooring.

+(The show. The cheese is fun.)

+Jordan was the one who was always drunk, right?

+Ashley I.'s statement necklace is a Statement Necklace.

+Whitney is throwing down and I totally respect it.

+K, you should be nice to people because they are people, Ashley I.

+Cheese just fell out of my hair.

Just House Things

+"I want Carly's name to be on that date card." -Lyss

+K but like, if you knew they were going to abuse you with your worst fear, why would you be honest about your worst fear?

+I would NOT tell them about the sharks!!!!

+K but, why doesn't Britt shower?

I Think They're Still on a Date?

+"I hope we can just put this night behind us."

+I feel like they've said that too many times this season?

+Like, most dates should make you want to not get over them?

+I'm just saying, I usually go home from a good date still thinking about it....

+Ashley hates everyone except Mackenzie, and tbh, I'm kinda shipping it.

+"I think Michelle Money should always be a contestant on the Bachelor." -Lyss

Wakey Wakey

+Okay, there's literally no way that Britt's lipstick is from CVS. 

+I'm sorry that I'm still talking about this, but IT'S NOT NORMAL HOW WELL THAT STAYS ON HER LIPS.

+Do you guys think that Britt has tattooed lipstick?

+Ugh, I want that.

+So bad.

+You know how the girls always say that they were scared and then they looked over and saw the Bachelor, their fear went away?

+THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN WITH ME AND SHARKS.

+I'm not sorry that I'm still talking about sharks.

+Lyssa and I said something really funny right here, but I can't remember what now, and that's how you know I'm getting sick of writing this commentary.

+Guys! The Sonoran Desert is so pretty!

+Look at that cute little cactus!

+I don't really know what's happening with Britt right now, but I also don't really care?

+Maybe she's a liar?

+When is the last time she showered?

+Is her lipstick tattooed?

+IDK IDC.

+"I"m so afraid of her..." Lyss says about Kelsey while giggling.

+I'm sorry, Kelsey's husband's name was Sanderson Poe?

+I....just....

+That is not a real name.

+"Did Sanderson Ford and Edgar Allen Poe have a child?" -Lyss

+"Isn't my story amazing? I love my story."

+OKAY.

+WE ARE LITERALLY NOT BREATHING.

+WHO IS THIS WITCH?!?

+K like, Blinky was very creepy and insane, but not in a dangerous way.

+Girls are talking, but we're googling pretzel puns.

+Oops again. 

Cocktail Party JK Just a Rose Ceremony JK To Be Continued

+Why is Chris having an emotional breakdown?

+Wait!

+This means GTWCH!!!!

+(Girl Talk with Chris Harrison, come on, guys.)

+Ugh, they're not even talking! 

+I miss Sean and CH's bromance.

+Okay so, if I was going to list my worst fears, Kelsey might be ahead of sharks.

+That's where we're at with this episode.

+Yay! No cocktail party shiz!

+Ashley I. is just soooo insecure and all of her confidence rests on others.

+And apparently this is now just an episode of "Who Has the Saddest Story".

+Whyyyyy are we dragging this madness out foreverrrrrrrr???

+We're ending with Kelsey on the floor crying, and ironically, that's about where I'm at mentally too.

All right ya'll, I don't know if I can do this anymore. We'll see how I feel next Tuesday, k?

Also, we just looked up Reality Steve's spoilers so....OOPS AGAIN GEEZ.

Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 4

Sorry I missed last week, y'all. Homework calls.

But we're back!!

Googled "picture of ashley i. from the bachelor with corn" to find this. Worth it.

Another Skanky Bikini Group Date

+"Let's do what feels natural..."

+Wildly inappropriate.

+Why is that Ashley I.'s entire outfit? A crop top and unbuttoned daisy dukes?

+Missing Andi's one-pieces right about now, lemme tell ya.

+"I have to find a way to break out of my shyness."

+Obviously that means jumping in the lake topless.

+Oh, and bottomless. 

+THIS DATE IS THE FUNNEST.

+Really supporting Kelsey and her sanity right now.

Chris's Sisters

+I missed last week when everyone fell in love with Carly, but it only took about two seconds with Chris's sisters for me to get there too.

+Also, Whitney might be pretty cool?
+No way these girls are all okay with moving to a tiny town in Iowa. 

+I'm not okay with that.

+And neither are his sisters, since they all moved out of it.
+But okay, keep saying that, girls.

+Who's this dark-haired little child?
+Oh, Jade. The 18 year old girl who says she's 28.

+Right.

Back to Group Date

+"I'm from Michigan. We have pretty lakes."

+GREAT lakes.

+LOL.
+I'm hilarious.

+Poor Kelsey.

+This girl has morals.

+She clearly doesn't belong here.

+I hate so bad that these girls chose to/are being forced to set up tents in their bikinis.

+K, I know a lot of you guys like Chris, but like....he's a pighead. 

+Not as bad as Juan Pablo, obviously, but still.

+I'm so happy to be here with you in your bikinis.

+Yeah. Don't like him.

More Sister Stuff, But Also Mostly Just Carly

+I choose Carly.

+K, this show is over. I decided.

+Except crap, Carly's too good for Chris!

+Dang it.

+I think Britt would have gotten the date card if Chris were choosing, but no way she's getting it from the sisters.

+Ugh with this music.

Now We're Camping, What the H?

+So it got cold enough for them to put a little more clothes on.

+But not that cold.

+"I would pay one of them $1 to put that rose in the fire. I would pay them a little more than that, but I don't have much." -Lyss

+So Kaitlyn's love language is Words of Affirmation and Chris's is Physical Touch.

+I don't know what I'm going to do with this information.

+I respect Kelsey not wanting to be there, but now she's kinda being super fake with him, so maybe I don't like her like I thought I did?

+Wait, Blinky has been here this whole time?

+Is Jimmy Kimmel behind that mask?

+Literally the only normal human on this date is Kaitlyn. 

+Please send everyone else home.

+Is Blinky going to murder him tonight?

+Because I feel like it's a very real possibility.

+I have always wanted a horror soundtrack in place of these weird orchestral pieces.

+So.

+Whiskey near the fire just doesn't sound like a good idea?

+ELAN.
+(It's no longer Bachelor commentary unless I call out Elan on something.)

+Okay, someone get the mic away from Ashley I. and Chris's slurpy kissing.

+EWWWWWW.

+I white girl cannot right now.

+Why is the fact that Ashley I. is a virgin her defining characteristic?

+Like, you're allowed to have other character traits.

+Kardashian chick is cray.

+And Chris is like sleep-slurring this speech to her?

+This is just a really bad sitch.

+"I'm not a hookup girl."

+...she says as she sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night...

Something is Going On in the House I Think

+I didn't know I needed to be keeping an overalls count this season, but now I'm sad I lost track of how many pairs we've seen?

+Is this prep team from the Hunger Games?
+OMG ARE WE GONNA MEET CINNA?!

+Literally why is Ashley I. still talking?

+Ah, the classic weird sponsored date.

+Dammit, now I want to be at Disneyland.
+You're allowed to swear when it's about Disneyland.

+Can we stop talking about how all these girls are jealous? 

+Cause like, duh.

+Move on.

+Wait a second.

+You're telling me that this guy is from a FARM?!?! In IOWA?!?!
+I have literally never heard these facts in every other sentence so far this season!!!

+Sorry. I'm losing patience with this show.

+Why is everyone always eating corn?!?!

+"Someone's gotta eat corn." -Lyss

+Okay, I support Chris and Jade. They're actually having a real conversation right now.

+We're speculating what singer they're gonna get for their private concert.

+All the Disney princesses in costume?

+The Country Bear Band?

+The Tiki Room?

+All right, a full orchestra isn't that far off from the Country Bear Band.

+So.

+More sponsored date moments.

+I can't wait for her jewelry to disappear at midnight.

+I'm just imagining the producers on the sidelines telling Jade to run out of the room so it looks more like a fairytale.
+"Run! But not too fast! Like, a little prancey! LIKE A FAIRYTALE!"

Group Date Take 2

+Carly just looked into the camera Jim-style and I love it so much.

+Have literally never seen Becca before this moment.

+Carly is so freaking cute.

+So this date is raising awareness for MS.

+Remember when they raised awareness for dogs by being naked on JPabs's season?

+And Andi compromised all her morals?
+SORRY IF YOU WERE TRYING TO FORGET.

+"I'm not athletic, and that's okay!" -Carly, but also me.

+Competition is in Jillian's top 5.

+Sorry. Strengthsfinder literally always.

+Jillian scares me.

+Not like Blinky Macpherson scares me, but still.

+Keep that girl away from the cutlery.

+OKAY PAUSE.

+There was just a really, really weird commercial for Poise pads and I'm actually considering emailing the Kimberly Clark recruiter to express my horror tomorrow when I get into work.

+Sorry to bring work into this.

+He just said Jillian is in his top 3 and we're like.....that's kind of huge?

+Jillian is just talking so much and Chris is having a hard time keeping up.

+I think he's actually pretty unintelligent?
+This dude could not keep up with an intellectual conversation.

+Or any conversation?

+Though okay, maybe Jillian should just let him get a word in.
+I don't really know who to side with on this one.

+Oh hallelujah, he's sending her home.
+That solves her talking and his unintelligence. For now.

+So Chris's top 3 means NOTHING, essentially.

+They didn't even show the girls' reactions when Jillian's luggage was rolled out. 

+That's Alyssa's favorite part.

Yes, Ashley, We Know You're A Virgin/Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

+Who is this blond boobies girl?

+She just pulled a blindfold out of her boobs.

+"50 SHADES OF GRAY." -Lyss

+This girl is a bimbo.

+I am so glad that my education and life experience will never allow me to forget the 5 senses.

+"What did you get from our tent conversation the other night?" -Ashley I.

+"Nothing. I was literally asleep and so confused." -Chris, in his head, probably.

+Why is she freaking out right now?

+He actually didn't even care about the fact that she's a virgin.

+So upset that Carly's first kiss is getting less air time than Ashley's FREAK OUT.

+"Is McKenzie wearing a t-shirt and a fanny pack?" -Lyss

+Probably.

+Becca, also known as How a Normal Person Would Handle Being a Virgin.

+Ashley's horribly insecure about it, and Becca is confident in her decision.

+This is so clear.
+I should be a social worker.

+Britt's hair continues to be inhumanly gorgeous.

+Has Britt never seen this show and does she not understand that confronting the bachelor about his decisions has never gone well for the women?

+BECAUSE MEN DON'T LIKE TO BE QUESTIONED.

+MEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

+Sorry.

+I'm suddenly seeing this from a feminist point of view.

+Why can't he just respond to the question she asked very respectfully instead of getting all butt-hurt and defensive?

+Ugh I hate this show.

+Rose Ceremony Predictions: Britt is going to get the last rose and the music is going to get so freaking intense.

+Carly is the cutest person. (Not prediction. Fact.)

+Juelia is going home.

+Also, we pronounce Juelia "Whale-ia".

+WHY ARE WE STILL LETTING ASHLEY I. TALK?!?!?

+Lyss knows all their names now, but I don't recognize half of these girls.

+Oh good, all the ones I don't know are going home.

+That makes my life so much easier.

+Bye bye "Whale-ia."

+Chris to Blinky as she leaves: "Take care of yourself."

+No, but really.

+Please.

+Get some help.

+Chris's goodbye speech to Juelia was the most eloquent thing he has said on this show so far.

+So my guess is that they had to make Ashley I. the crazy person this episode since Blinky was going home.

+Would like an update on how stable Blinky is now.

OMG DRAMA COMING NEXT WEEK CAN'T WAIT GUYS.

Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 2

well friends, here we are. back once more. me, lyss, and rach.



+A little irked that we're starting this episode with a continuation of the drunken all-nighter from hell.

+If this is any indication of how ballsy Chris is....he's not gonna make it as the bachelor.

+EVERYONE JUST NEEDS TO SLEEP.

+I don't recognize any of these girls from the first night.

+Except crazy Kaitlyn and short-haired widow girl. And Britt, obvs.

+Britt tweeted that she got her un-smearable lipstick for $1.99 at CVS and I'm calling so much bullcrap on that. 

+They don't even sell lipstick for $1.99 at CVS.

+TRUST ME, I'VE SEARCHED.

+Actually surprised that it took them this long to show Chris with his shirt off.

+Why is his shower outdoors and also filled with cameras.
+It's possible they may be going overboard with the farm thing here.

+One of the girls is in overalls.

+I respect that.

Bikini Tractor Date YAYYYYY

+SO MUCH SKIN.

+The Kardashian chick looks like a Kardashian.

+My computer tried to autocorrect Kardashian to Guardianship.
+K.

+Despite her weird take-me-back stint last night, Kimberly actually seems a lot more normal than most of these girls.

+"Men always introduce themselves to me when they're shirtless." -Lyss

+Update: If you wear a bikini that is too skimpy, the network will censor it.

+These girls are insane.
+Just running around his home taking the bait from the producers and trying on his bike helmets?

+I'm so appalled by the stupidity of these women, that I'm forgetting to type.

+Can we eliminate 10 of these bimbos tonight, please?

+We weren't sure where Daisy Duke was from, but it turns out it's Ft. Lauderdale and that's not even the country.

+So disgusted by the fact that Chris is just sitting on the sidelines watching these girls in bikinis on tractors. 

+"This experience is incredible." -Farmer Chris with Ogling Eyes

+Go buy a Playboy.

+(Sorry. I hear he's a generally good guy, but this show sets men up to objectify women no matter how good of a guy the bachelor is and you better believe I'm gonna get feministy on that.)

+Good thing the 11-year old girl with a kid has her overalls to wear over her swimsuit.

+"Sitting on a bale of hay in a swimsuit is NOT on my bachelor to-do list." -Lyss
+Okay, these girls are actually trying to be nice about him taking Baby away for a one-on-one date.
+Does he know that she's 21?
+Also, aliens?
+Like.
+Honey, he's not going to think you're insane because you have a son. He's going to think you're insane because you told him you like his big nose and you asked him about aliens.
+Like, if he's not cool with you having a son, probably just own the fact that you have a son and go home?
+Idk.
+The only reason she's getting this rose is because of her child.
+Wow. He's going to kiss every single one of these girls.
+Whyyyyyy is she telling all of these girls every detail of her date?
+BAD PLAN.
+ABORT ABORT.

Megan's Date
+Literally, how stupid is Megan?
+I'm soooooo concerned.
+You should have to pass an IQ test to be considered for this show.
+"Megan is fun, and easy-going, and..."
+And surprisingly has enough words in her vocabulary to hold a brief conversation, so that's good news.
+"Even after she banged her head all over his apartment yesterday!" -Lyss
+This date is way too much transportation for me.
+Limo to private jet to helicopter...
+WHAT IS NEXT?!
+You know, most people hike to get to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but...
+"Or ride a mule!" -Lyss
+The most beautiful blue eyes in NORTH AMERICA.
+Not those other continents though.
+Sob story count so far: 2
+Good news: If you say "I'm shaking" on a date, the boy will hold your hand.
+(Warning: This may only apply if your father has recently passed away.)
+Guys, when Lyss goes on Bach during her gap year after graduation, what should her sob story be?
+We're currently leaning towards her having a conjoined twin that died and she had to have surgery to remove it.
+That day she lost both a growth and a best friend.
+"I've never been this happy in my entire life." -Megan, on this date
+"That's sad." -all of us, in unison
+Apparently the Grand Canyon is the place to go to kiss boys.
+But joke's on them, cause I went there in 6th grade and didn't do any kissing.
+So.

Zombie Paintballing Date
+These girls are freaking about this date and it's hilar.
+There are zombies all over but you know what? I'm just terrified of Blinky Macpherson.
+I kinda like Kaitlyn?
+"She shouldn't even be allowed to hold a wet noodle." Kaitlyn, about Blinky
+Dead.
+Also, that is true, and I support it.
+I think this activity might be turning Blinky into a serial killer?
+It is ridiculous how good Britt's hair looks rn ugh.
+Okay, so I think Blinky legit needs some psychological help.
+Someone please look into this.
+I'm predicting that Kaitlyn's gonna make it pretty far.
+I ALWAYS LIKE THE CANADIANS.
+Farmer Chris is a man that likes kissing.
+Zero hesitation.
+Just kissing.
+Blinky is either on some hard hallucinogens or needs to be in a mental facility.
+He's so worried about her. That's kind of sweet I guess.
+"You don't want to lose your soul." -Blinky
+"That's.......fair?" -Farmer Chris
+Elan is laughing SO hard at all of this.
+WHOA.
+He got Britt a gift?
+"A free kiss, from Chris."
+"Eh. I feel like his kisses are pretty free anyways." -Lyss
+That's real.

Rose Ceremony
+Trina looks 45.
+Like, she looks good for a 45 year old.
+But still 45.
+Wait. What if they actually had a hardcore cougar on this show?
+I'm gonna tweet Elan about this.
+Why do all of these girls have a belly dancing dress?
+Mackenzie needs to calm the freak down about Ashley I. being a virgin.
+Anyone else feel like maybe she regrets having a child?
+Anyone?
+Bueller?
+WHAT IS HAPPENING.
+WHY IS SHE MAKING HIM TOUCH HER BELLY BUTTON RING AND MAKE A WISH.
+SHE IS NOT A GENIE.
+Physically cringing.
+So much cringing.
+This girl is thirstyyyyyy.
+That is not classy making out.
+Yikes yikes yikes.
+Pls stop.
+Have we seen Jordan not drunk yet?
+There's gotta be a stagehand or producer or something that is in charge of keeping her glass full at all times.
+I'm genuinely worried about her.
+"I JUST WANNA MAKE OUT."
+Girl, you can think that, but good heavens, please don't yell it on national television to a boy you barely know.
+Just now realizing that Daisy Duke's occupation is "Sport Fishing Enthusiast".
+It's becoming clear that Daisy Duke just has a lot of opinions.
+But at least she's not having trouble standing this time, good job, babe.
+Impressed with how DC Muscles handled the tripping fiasco.
+My Name is Carly made it!
+K, what is Jordan a student of?
+Because she's kind of acting like a college party girl, and I can't imagine her actually attending any classes.
+Maybe that's why she's 24 and still listing her occupation as "student"?
+Sad-funny that she isn't going to remember a single second of her time on this show.
+Blinky is 100% a producer pick.
+No way she would have beat out Daisy Duke,  Tandra, and Kimberly if Chris had a choice.
+Ughhhhhhhh come on.
+I don't know if I can handle her for another week of this.
+Daisy Duke needs some happiness in her life.
+And a re-evaluation of her self-worth.

Preview
+Literally who wrote the soundtrack this season? Cause this is so intense rn.
+OMG Jimmy Kimmel.
+This is what this show has been missing.
+WHO KNEW?!?!

k kiddies, we're out.
see ya next week.

Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 1

SURPRISE!!!!!!

Y'all didn't think I was gonna do this, did ya?

Well guess what guys, I caved to all the peer pressure and HERE I AM. We are. We being me, Alyssa, Lauren, and Rachel. Bring it on.

+I HAVE NOT DONE THIS IN SO LONG AND I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT.

+Brooks came on the screen and I thought his name was Woods.

+That is how long it's been since I've thought about the Bachelor.

+"Is Chris Harrison standing on a pedestal?" -Lauren

+"He's always on a pedestal in our hearts." -Me and Lyss, literally in unison.

+I didn't watch last season so I don't even know this bachelor.

+Like, I'm not joking, but I don't even know his name.

+His name isn't actually Farmer, is it?

+Bleh. Already sick of the farm/love analogies.

+There are going to be soooo many analogies.

+"He's really going to milk it. WAIT." -Rachel

+SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!

+I neeeeeeed Sean and Catherine babies.

+Update, the bachelor's name is Chris. 

+Good to know.

+Guys, how famous do I have to get at Bach commentating to get invited to this red carpet event?

+Nvm not worth it.

+Britt is attractive.

+Like, incredibly attractive.

+And I'm straight.

+Everyone on twitter says she gets to the top 3 and I also have a testimony that this will be true.

+Alyssa's trying to figure out how much weight DC chick is lifting.

+I think also Alyssa might be in love with DC chick.

+Fertility nurse from Chicago might come in handy for me someday. 

+But I can't handle people who talk to their dog about....their "daddy"....

+OMG.

+THIS IS THE FIRST SEASON WHERE THERE ARE GIRLS YOUNGER THAN US ON THIS SHOW. 

+THIS IS NOT OKAY.

+I swear I just saw the girl from Cyberchase For Real on the skinny dark-haired girl's intro this is so exciting.

Nikki Talks to CH

+"Everyone is still in love with you!" -CH

+"Except for JuPa, who never loved you." -A

+Distracted because I SWEAR LIAM HEMSWORTH IS ON THIS RED CARPET NO MATTER WHAT ALYSSA SAYS.

+Nvm, I guess his name is Robert.

+There was no substance to Nikki and JuPa's relationship, yet somehow she's talking to CH for a million freaking yearsssssssss.
+I am honestly just so upset that Dog Lover Kelly is nowhere to be found because I KNOW she was there from twitter AND instagram. And Sharleen. Ugh I love Sharleen.
+K sorry.

The New Women

+Britt's hair is so perfect it's disgusting.

+Also, she's crying?

+Ummmmm.....

+Girl is NOT keeping her cool.

+She's got some tricks up her bedazzled sleeves though.

+I had a boob fringe shirt like Megan once.

+People are still naming their kids Trina?

+I mean, I might name my car that, but....

+Jk, my car's name is Beth.

+Lyss got soooo excited about the almost-real human organ.

+Too excited....

+Are Daisy Dukes really necessary for this event?

+Please don't wear those to every rose ceremony.

+"That would be me. Except for like...sweatpants." -A

+Daisy Duke is crayyyyyy.

+I'm so excited.

+Also like, he's not gonna recognize her right now is he?

+Wait, he winked at her? 

+PRODUCER HELP. THIS WAS YOU, ELAN.

+(P.S. I'm twitter best friends with the Bachelor producer now and his name is Elan.)

+I looked over and I swear Alyssa is applying to be a "Donated Tissue Specialist" like the heart chick rn.

+My brand new RM Rachel is struggling with this incredibly secular show right now and it's precious.

+Lucky penny girl doesn't blink and she's terrifying.

+My cousin has a baby that doesn't blink, but it's okay because like....cute baby.

+My contacts are kind of blurry right now, and all the women look like someone else. 

+I swear to you, Monica Gellar is in this group of women.

+Oh my gosh, Monica Gellar on every reality show just going around cleaning everything.

+Wait, there was a LOT of sexual tension with Britt just now.

+They almost kissed?!

+"How did she create that sexual tension?" -Lyssa

+Lauren says it's because she hugged him, but I hugged a boy yesterday and we did not almost kiss so....

+WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

+CH just walked in with a board and the rose, but we all thought it was a loaf of french bread and got really excited.

+Actual sighs of disappointment at it being a rose.

+(We like carbs.)

Where Are the Hidden Women?

+We're not that concerned about the extra women who are coming cause we looked them up online obvs.

+"I mean, I'm already #TeamTandra." -Lyss

+Farmer Man is a hand-toucher. 

+I would appreciate that in a man.

+This party would be way too long for my social energy capacity.

+This show is way too long for my social energy capacity.

+Ughhhhh there are moreeeeeeee of them?!?!

+The music for these extra girls is at least a thousand times too dramatic.

+Did they do this just to pit the girls against each other? 

+Yes. They definitely did.

+Provo, UT chick just showed up and we all literally screamed so.

+"Wedding cake decorator, from Provo, UT, wearing sleeves. Okay." -Lyss

+So much is happening in this apartment and I can't keep up.

+First of all, Alyssa might be in love with multiple of these women, including Tandra.

+Second of all, "That's not me, but I have a dress just like that." -Alyssa, about Alissa

+(Spoiler Alert: She doesn't.)

+Jordan just got here and she's already drunk.

+Oh no, Scottsdale girl is cray.

+Why you makin' my Zona look bad, huh?

+Crap. I've used "cray" unironically twice already.

+K wait. 

+Is WWE girl gonna fight DC Muscles?

+No. No. No.

+We're all silently crying over Carly's song.

+There are no words.

+Please click that link.

+Okay but, her dress is rockin' though and I need it.

+Literally why are they so upset about the normal amount of women for this show showing up?

+I need everyone to C A L M  D O W N.

+I like 4th grade teacher so much.

+Also, if I were on this show, I would bring letters from my students.

+Except mine would actually be from my students, not something that I wrote in 4th grade handwriting like this Tracy just did.

+Lauren thinks they should have their personality as their tagline, not their occupation, and we all agree.

+Jade is 18.

+I mean, she's probably not? But...she is.

+I miss Sean's dad.

+Somehow we're googling Sean's dad.

+This is the best idea we've ever had.

+WHO EVEN IS CHRIS BC SEAN'S DAD EXISTS.

+Guys, we just keep singing "My name is Carly..."

+Alyssa recently decided that 24 is the age that she'll start worrying about marriage, which might explain why so many of these women are 24.

+The only reason Lyss can't be on this show is because she wouldn't know how to pose in her headshot.

+"I wish I was a polygamist right now." -Farmer Chris

+Best Bach line in history, hands down.

+Girl who doesn't blink is going home tonight.

+I mean, please tell me she's going home tonight?

+Wasted. Just so wasted.

+But hey! Lindsay was wasted and she made it to the top 2, so anything can happen.

+These girls are all soooooo drunk.

+This is embarrassing.

+I am embarrassed for the female specimen.

Some People Are Still Coherent Enough to Talk to Farmer Chris

+"If we were singing karaoke at a bar together, what would we sing?"

+"MY NAME IS CARLY!" -whole apartment, in unison

+Wait, he said Tim McGraw and me and Lyss almost cried.

+Britt said she would give him a rose if she could.

+"Well Britt, too bad you didn't have a yellow rose like Blinky Macpherson!" -A

+OH MY GOSH THEY ARE KISSING.

+HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

+Literally how is she capable of this much sexual tension?

+Ugh this show makes me thirsty.

+K but, Britt is a 27 year old waitress from Hollywood.

+She wants to be an actress so hard.

+But....is she acting with Chris?

+*Law and Order bum bum*

+"But just give Tundra a chaaaaance!" -Lauren

+"My name is Tundra!" -Also Lauren

+Wait guys, what if they combined this show with a murder mystery party, but like, someone actually got murdered?

+The soundtrack would make a lot more sense tbh.

Drunken Rose Ceremony

+These girls all look like they're about to pass out and it has nothing to do with the rose ceremony and everything to do with the amount of alcohol they've consumed and the fact that it's probably 3 am.

+Jillian is scary good at eye-rolling.

+Daisy Duke is gonna pass out. Like for reals.

+"YES! I made it!" -Alyssa, after Alissa got a rose

+"Yeah, like you've never been drunk before!" -Lyss

+"Hey, one of those girls is a Mormon!" -Me

+"Would the sleeved, mother of 2 please step forward?" -Lyss

+Blinky is going home, I'm calling it.

+"One of the ghosts on Pac Man is named Blinky." -Lyss

+Wait. We just paused so I could catch up and the screenshot is the bedazzled midriff chick making a weird face and she looks exactly like Michael Jackson.

+BLINKY MADE IT.

+This is for television.

+I don't know why this keeps surprising me. 

+ELAN, THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT.

+Bachelor Night One: Worth it for the Free Booze

+The sun is up during these interviews.

+Oh my gosh that night must have been literal torture. 

+This is the first time I have felt sympathy for the Bachelor contestants as a whole.

+Lyss just pointed out that these girls are telling each other they love each other as they say goodbye and I'm simultaneously lol-ing and gawking.

+My exit interview: "It's 7 am and I am honestly just so grateful to get the hell out of this dress."

+This crying montage of the season is everything.

+We're pretty sure we have some nasty girls on our hands this season. With some serious potty mouths.

+I have got to get a hold of this lipstick that Britt is using, because she is kissing him a dang lot and it is not even slightly smearing.

+Not that I'm kissing anyone ever, but like...potentially someday? Hopefully.

+Can we just end with a crying montage and be done with it? I have homework.

+HALLELUJAH.

Join us next week, friends. Good to be back.