the bachelor: week finale

welp. here it is everyone. the last bachelor commentary of the season! in which i think i talk more about chris harrison than anyone else, and i obsess over sean's perfect father. 

brought to you by me, stéf, julie, laura, rachel, and alyssa. 

enjoy!

+We’re getting our Martinelli's on tonight, you guys. Britney/Daniella style.
+Okay so I just realized that I won’t be satisfied with this show until Chris Harrison finds love.
+Why aren’t there any gay men in this live studio audience?
+You probably shouldn’t say that you’re “madly in love” with two people, Sean.
+THE CHILDREN. Literally the best part of any show. Ever.
+We legit thought the kids yelled "Daddy!" to Sean.

+Twist in the plotline….Sean has two kids.
+“Emily didn’t pick you!”
+BAHAHA. 

+Best line all season.
+Sean’s mom looks like she could be the Primary General President.
+Alyssa is proposing a Sister Wives/Bachelor spinoff mashup and I accept.

Catherine:
+I just remembered how much I love Sean’s dad!
+Look at this classy family drinking WATER in the middle of the day.

+Or vodka?

+JK. Britney left a long time ago.
+Alyssa likes the whole family sitting on one side of the table a la Last Supper.
+“If we didn’t already know she wins, this could be her last supper….” ~Julie
+Catherine is adorable.
+SEAN’S DAD.
+You guys, he's like cuter than a tiny baby and a white Alaskan husky puppy combined.
+I think that Catherine has watched Win A Date with Tad Hamilton a few too many times. All these "great love" references.
+(Actually, you can’t possibly watch that movie too many times, so it's excused.)
+Sean’s dad is human perfection. I think he might literally be the sweetest person on the planet.
+OH MY GOSH, she doesn’t have a dad and Sean’s dad just told her that he would be her biggest fan. STOP IT. STOP IT.
+Julie is crying.
+Sean’s dad is too perfect for TV.
+Okay so....classy van.
+“Here, let me help you into the rape van.” ~Rachel

Lindsay:
+“Grab his head! Like a GRAPEFRUIT!” ~Julie

+I don't know, you guys.
+Better dress choice this time, Linds. And she brought a present! Good one.
+I wonder how relieved he was that she didn’t get out of that rape van in a wedding dress.
+Okay, I really do like Lindsay, but….she sounds like a bimbo.
+“I swear, I’m not a bimbo!” Inside joke.
+Mom’s like, “Hahaha, smile smile smile, you’re not marrying my son.” ~Julie
+Okay, I can’t get over Sean’s dad.
+It’s becoming a ~situation.
+He has a pink undershirt, and Julie thinks this is significant.
+Linds flips her hair when she is nervous.
+Lindsay’s crying now too.
+BUT AREN’T WE ALL.
+Sean’s dad makes me feel emotions.
+Lindsay. That was weird.
+BUT THIS MAN IS TOO GOOD TO BE HUMAN.
+“I’m in a love with Sean’s dad!” “Not in a weird way, but just in a ……way.”
+Like what if I just kidnapped the children?
+No. Kylie, no.
+You have gotten over this obsession.

Family counsel about Sean's life:
+“How are you gonna make this decision?” ~Mom
+Eenie meenie minie mo.
+Have them play rock, paper, scissors.

+Fight to the death.
+Dance off.

+Hunger Games.
+"Why hasn’t there been a Gay Bachelor yet? One man. 25 other men." ~Alyssa

+We suspect there would be a lot of inner-house romances if they were all attracted to each other.
 +“He made his button-up into a v-neck so like, it works.” ~Alyssa

Lindsay's Date:

+Blue tank top and red shorts. 

+"Provo all star outfit. He just got got back from Gold’s Gym and is about to go hang out in the Village hot tub.” ~Alyssa
+“Why did she tie her shirt?” ~Rach
+“Because it’s the 90's, apparently.” ~Alyssa
+“It’s just the two of us!” ~Lindsay
+“And….the little Thai man who had better be getting the best tip of his life.
+“This is our last date!” ~Lindsay
+“Literally EVER.” ~Alyssa
+Two Thai men! Bonus.

+Drinking in the morning again. Typical.
+I think Lindsay is getting a little tipsy already.
+Either that, or she’s losing control of her neck muscles.

+Every time she says anything she leans her head way back and does this weird.....thing.
+There has to be physical therapy for that.
+Good idea to get drunk in the morning on the day of your last chance to prove to him that he should pick you.
+Alyssa has read a lot of articles about Sean’s “born-again virginity”.
+So…that’s something.
+Okay, I would not be okay with a cozy date like this IN A DRESS. 

+GIVE ME SWEATS OR GIVE ME DEATH.
+"If I don’t leave here with him, I will have nothing!" ~Lindsay
+Except your drunkenness immortalized on film.
+But whatever.
+Okay, I’m not hating, I really do like Lindsay.
+But watching this show finale when you already know who wins is kinda like beating a dead horse, so we’re getting a little distracted.

Catherine’s Date:
+This live showing is so insignificant.
+Okay, we think they are legitimately telling them to match. This can't be coincidence anymore.

+Catherine seeing this elephant is approximately the equivalent of Kristen Bell meeting a sloth.
+Alyssa now added “elephant-riding pants” to her birthday list so.
+No one has misused the word literally this ep yet and I’m literally disappointed.
+WAIT.
+EVERYONE GO FIND SEAN ON TWITTER AND LOOK AT HIS PAGE PICTURE RIGHT NOW.
+Okay, you can come back.
+“Does Catherine speak a different language?” ~Rachel
+“Lindsay does. Bimbo.” ~Alyssa
+Okay now they’re both wearing black. So….there is no doubt in my mind that they were asked to coordinate their outfits.
+It's just....SWEATS. 

+BUM TOUCHING.
+Lots of it.
+“I love you.”
+“…..You’re really pretty.”
+Okay, he didn’t actually say that, but...
+Guys, remember how Sean ran after Emily like 12 times last season?
+Good times.
+Aw, poor Catherine.
+“Sean is a murderer of love.”
+“Or people.” ~Laura

+"......"
+Curled in the fetal position, butt almost hanging out.
+Although, compared to Bachelors past, that butt is pretty well contained.
+Okay, they don’t let gay men in the live studio audience  because their aggressive passion for Chris Harrison just can't be safe.

Sean talking to himself in a towel:
+I'm not even surprised that I just wrote that as the title of this section.
+Neil Lane: I have the best job ever! I make rings that the majority of buyers end up returning! It’s pure bliss!
+More shirtless scenes. Making up for last week's lack of such.
+SEAN JUST SHOWED EMOTION.
+It might be because of how much he is regretting his proposal tie choice.
+Oh, Lindsay. You poor thing. You are going to be so heartbroken..
+Catherine in gold. Lindsay in silver.
+"Coincidence?! I think NOT! This little rat is guilty!" ~Name that movie

+Actually the 3rd time I've quoted that today in context...
+Okay, Lesley is LOVING her extended 15 minutes of fame. I think she was pretty much born for this.
+“What if Sarah came back and she just had another arm?” ~Rachel
+AshLee: “I’m a more reserved…”
+Cat?
+Why did they bring AshLee back anyways?
+Brunette Malin Ackerman deserves a job as a news anchor or weather girl. She’s too beautiful.
+Oh look, statues! That’s what we want to see right now!
+NOT THE END OF THIS BLASTED SHOW OR ANYTHING .

Lindsay:
+You are way too confident, honey.
+This is the best day of my life!
+Actually….no.
+Baby steps to the altar because her dress is too tight for movement and she's in bazillion inch heels.
+"At the beginning I was insecure..." 

+“I was hiding my insecurities in 15 pounds of tulle.” ~Alyssa
+“You have been such a surprise.” ~Sean.
+What…does that even mean? 

+Complisult.
+Oh, you poor thing.
+THIS SHOW IS CRUEL.
+I am so not okay with him breaking that girl’s heart!!!

+Boobs? No boobs.
+Peace out, girl scout!
+Okay Sean, stop talking. You’re making it worse.
+Why does anyone ever sign up for this show? Like for reals?
+She’s handling it so well though.
+Lindsay, you are a freakin’ classy woman. 

+Way to just take off your shoes girlfriend! 

+Sean is literally the worst person at breaking up with people.
+Okay so maybe I’m totally shipping Chris Harrison and Lindsay on this walk out?
+Okay lbh, I would ship Chris Harrison and almost anyone.
+Okay brilliant new plan: We’re signing Alyssa up for the Bachelor as a missionary plot. She’ll get him to like her, then back out on week 4 or 5, but give him a Book of Mormon as she leaves. Mission Accomplished. Literally mission accomplished.

+(Thanks Laura for that pun.)

Catherine:
+Letter from Catherine. I legit wonder if they would have let her give him that if he had picked Lindsay.

+Probably. This show has no care for people's feelings.
+So they’re almost wearing the same exact dress, just different colors....
+“Will you give me a dollar if I cry? At the proposal?” ~Alyssa to Julie
+“I found a dollar on the ground in Physics today.” ~Alyssa
+“……”
+I’m really not okay with that weird bird head thing that’s behind Sean’s face.
+But the purple flowers. Dying over them.
+She’s so pretty!
+“You never cease to amaze me.”
+That wasn’t cliché. Not even a little bit.
+“I don’t want to say goodbye anymore!”
+STAHHHHHHHP.
+"Wait, this is so unexpected! I didn’t even know you liked me!" ~Catherine
+Stop it. 

+I can’t handle proposals right now, you guys.
+She is hyperventilating., and I’m pretending like it’s not weird, but maybe?
+Catherine gets the beef!
+The rose isn’t legit because CH didn’t come in and announce it.
+Hope you wore your elephant riding pants under that dress!
+So officially, if you can’t follow an engagement up with an elephant ride into the sunset, it’s not a real engagement.
+Keep that in mind, fellas.

After the Final Rose:
+This will be brief.
+I PROMISE.
+A GUY IN THE AUDIENCE!
+But whoa. There is a lot of estrogen in that room right now.
+The whole audience is wearing solids.
+I bet the whole audience gets on the same cycle just from this one night together.
+“Before we get to her, we have to talk about Lindsay.” ~CH
+“Wait…who’s Lindsay?” ~Sean
+As Sean is talking about the hardest thing he’s ever done, I said something really funny and I can’t type it on the blog for.....reasons, but I just want everyone to know that Alyssa was laughing really really hard, and that I'm really funny.
+I think Sean is the only guy who looks better in a black suit than a gray one.
+Lindsay is super classy.
+She keeps getting over this and explaining herself and then CH just brings it back to her being heartbroken again.
+RUDE.
+Come on CH, pull it together.
+America’s most popular couple?
+UM….excuse me.
+Jim and Pam?
+Michelle and Barack Obama?
+JLaw and Josh Hutcherson? (ugh, not a real couple, but one day...)
+Um…who else?

+PB and J?
+Pretty much much anyone?
+Yup.
+What if Chris Harrison were the one in the interviews with his shirt off?
+“What do you think CH looks like with his shirt off?” ~Alyssa
+Let’s fantasize about this….not.
+Her eyebrows are perfect.
+The letter really didn’t have an impact even a little bit so….
+I legitimately think that Sean’s first sentence about Catherine was “I just want to snuggle with her!”
+Why is CH still asking stupid questions?
+Alyssa thinks they should have fan questions during ATFR.
+She’s been taking notes for a letter to Chris Harrison this whole time.
+“Do you think it’ll be  more influential if it’s handwritten than typed?" ~Alyssa
+Yes. But only if you use your finest calligraphy.
+“I’ve been practicing for MONTHS.” ~Alyssa
+We all agree that Chris Harrison’s nose gets a little bit longer and slightly more curved with every season of this show.
+Why am I not surprised that CH is an ordained minister?
+How has your life changed in the past year?
+“Well, he likes a different girl…” ~Rach
 

Next Season:
+Yay for Des!
+They’re going to corrupt her so fast.
+Okay, there is definitely something between Chris and Des.
+Can you guys imagine Chris hosting himself as the Bachelor?
+“Chris. Ladies. This is the final rose. When I’m ready.”

+Okay, it's late. I'm done.

so. that was loooooooong. hope you enjoyed it as much as we did! also, i'm kinda really doubting that i have any girl friends over the summer to watch bachelorette with, so we'll see if commentary actually happens. if you're in provo over the summer and want to start a bach-watching group, let me know!