the bachelor: week 7

hometowns! in which kylie gets mad about steak again, and maybe julie cries?

brought to you by me, shybree, julie, stéf, lisa, and laura.

+Here go hometowns, y’all!

+(That y’all was for Sean, cause his hometown is Texas.)

+And cause I say y’all.

AshLee’s Hometown

+Feline AshLee has a dog. So….that’s weird.

+There are candles around our entire apartment right now (long story) so it’s pretty romantic in here, and we all kinda feel like we’re going on a group date with Sean.

+"She has a dad? I thought she was adopted…." ~Julie

+Uh…Julie….

+Oh hey guys, news flash! Tying your shirt around your waist is back!

+“You’re so handsome, I just love looking at you!”

+Gag.

+Drinking in the morning.

+So…AshLee’s voice is pretty much the same as Yzma’s voice when she’s a cat in Emperor’s New Groove.

+“At least she doesn’t match her pet like some people do.” ~Shy

+I wonder if the producers made him bring flowers.

+Her dad looks like he should be a cartoon character, and I kinda love it.

+Shybree thinks her eyebrows are dyed, and I wouldn't know any better, so we're saying that they are.

+I’m sorry, AshLee, but are you crying about the polar bear plunge?

+You should probably see a therapist.

+Wait, you left EVERYTHING in the water? 

+Sketch.

+I love AshLee’s mother. And I love her scowl as AshLee talks about her “romance” on the beach.

+I just can’t wait until AshLee’s parents see her "fornicating in the ocean" scene from last week.

+Actually, they should not see that. They could possibly have heart attacks. 

+Mom didn’t get the plaid memo.

+“How can you not feel like a toolbag?” ~Stef

+Pastor Dad’s a good guy.

+Bless his spiky dyed head.

+Laura thinks this is probably the first meal they’ve ever eaten outside.

+But Julie says it’s a “Houston” thing, so.

+We can’t handle Pastor Daddy’s tears.

+That was adorable.

+Maybe it’s the love that’s happening between father and daughter right now, but I totally looked at AshLee just now and didn’t think even think about a cat.

Catherine’s Hometown

+We like Catherine.

+I’m digging Catherine’s rings.

+I would never catch giant dead flying fish for someone.

+Sorry, Boyfriend.

+I ate salmon for you, but that’s my limit.

+ELBOW PATCHES.

+I don’t know why that was significant, but it probably has something to do with Ted Mosby.

+Hipsters in Seattle, playing the banjo. Perfect.

+She is Filipino! Good guess, Laura.

+Photo booth pictures are adorable, and now I want some.

+We’re all really wishing that the grandma hand to forehead thing was a mean joke to make Sean look stupid, because goodness knows he deserves it.

+You guys, I’m having trouble finding things to criticize about Catherine.

+LUMPIA. SO GOOD.

+The grandma is so Mulan grandma right now!

+One of the sisters is significantly less Filipino-looking.

+Okay honey, you can’t just try a marriage out. 

+Oldest sister is SO gorgeous.

+And she’s REALLY good at talking right now.

+Obviously I mean that she is struggling to even string together two coherent words.

+At least we know she’s not reading a script?

+I like Filipino mom a lot. She’s super real.

+Shouldn’t he be asking Catherine about kids and marriage and stuff?

Lindsay’s Hometown

+I think Lindsay got a mini makeover since last ep.

+A little heavy on the makeup, but overall she looks super classy.

+They are zooming in on anything patriotic, just in case we all forgot that Lindsay is an Army Brat.

+And the slow country beat in the background.

+Love it.

+More drinking in the morning. Britney would approve.

+I love how nervous Sean is. We’ve never seen him like this before.

+“Do you think he’ll ask me any questions?”

+Nope. Just drop and give me twenty.

+She’s doing this entire role play just so she can slap his butt and watch him work out.

+“Kiss me harder!”

+You have got to be kidding me.

+How tall is Sean???

+Google check: 6’3”

+Lisa pulled up the Kiss Leaderboard during commercial. Even with Tierra gone, Catherine still hasn’t moved into the top 4.

+General Dad doesn’t look like a general. He looks too nice.

+Funny how she didn’t mention being completely wasted that first night...

+Homeboy handled the whole “I love you” business really well.

+He is SO nervous about meeting her dad!

+Sean has ruined the phrase “I’m crazy about her…” for all of us. Forever. 

+I’m so bummed that it didn’t show Sean awkwardly stumble over what to call General Dad.

+Psh. The commercials made it seem like that talk was going to be so much worse than it was!

+Lame.

+But serious props to Sean for asking a two star general for his blessing two hours after meeting him. 

+General Dad is a huge softie!

+And her brother is SO awkward. 

+Omg, I’m super bummed that he didn’t get more screen time.

Desiree’s Hometown

+Sean, that is a weird outfit, and you should not have been allowed to wear it.

+Why are you trying to color-block like that?

+Just stop.

+Do you think she’ll get a chance to change from her work out clothes?

+That hiking scene was so the first two minutes of A Cinderella Story.

+Lesley’s gone, so Desiree had to fill in the skanky back shirt role.

+“Or NOT fill in.” ~Laura

+YES!!!!! Ex-boyfriend is showing up!!!

+Okay wait. This is SO scripted.

+Lisa is calling that this is a prank and she’s trying to get him back for the art thing.

+If this is true (which I am totally thinking too), Des will be the best person ever.

+TOTALLY a joke.

+Haha! He definitely deserved that.

+I wish Sean would have at least punched the guy first though.

+Just kidding. Violence is bad. 

+Okay wait…..those are her parents?

+They…do not look like her parents. 

+LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH LAUGH.

+This family is on laughing gas. 

+Her mom is so Toula pre-makeover on My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

+Des and Mom moment is adorable.

+Her parents are so timid and awkward and adorable.

+Is brother older or younger?

+Younger, I think.

+Des is definitely the most socially competent person in this family. 

+NO ONE IS EATING THAT STEAK AND AGAIN, I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT.

+After commercial break and in a small, timid voice “They even had broccoli…” ~Julie

+Brother isn’t socially competent. So…this is getting increasingly awkward for everyone.

+Although, gotta admit we loved this:

+“I’m crazy about your sister.” ~Sean

+“You’re crazy about a lot of girls though, right?” ~Brother

+RIGHT, SEAN?! RIGHT?!

+Sean is really handling this like a man, though.

+It’s probably a really good thing I saw this episode after meeting (and loving) Boyfriend’s family.

+THAT STEAK IS GOING COLD, LIKE DO YOU PEOPLE EVEN KNOW WHAT A BLESSING THAT STEAK IS?!

+Brother pushed the plate of food away from him. 

+I’m sorry, but did you guys hear that? He pushed the plate of food away. 

+“I WILL TAKE THAT STEAK!!!!” ~Me, actually shouting at the screen

+Aw, poor thing. Brother ruined this whole thing for her.

+He…has an issue. Like, a social…..something.

+Yes, I realize my two classes of human development do not qualify me to diagnose any social disorders.

+I'm just saying...something was a little off.

Rose Ceremony

+Wow, we haven’t seen a shirtless scene in awhile!

+“Ooh, that is some Calvin Klein underwear.” ~Julie, wagging her eyebrows at us

+Okay, let’s just all admit that these Chris Harrison therapy sessions are the best part of this show.

+“Are all 4 girls literally on the chopping block tonight?” ~CH

+LITERALLY. They are LITERALLY on a chopping block.

+As in, it is about to get all crazy ax murderer up in here, because they are all LITERALLY on a chopping block.
+No cocktail parties on this date. Hope you brought your flasks ladies, or else you will be handling this stone-cold sober.

+No matter what his decision was before, he’s gonna pick Catherine to stay, just because of how visible her boobs are right now.

+Laura thinks that AshLee would really benefit from anything but a middle part, and I agree.

+THE MUSIC.

+Do you think there's someone in the next room playing these drums? Cause it looked like they all reacted to the music starting.

+I just feel like they deserve to hear the mood music too.

+Des wins best dressed tonight. Like, easily.

+Sean really loves the sob story that AshLee comes with. Cause he definitely can’t feel any chemistry with her. 

+I mean, she's a cat, so they're technically not even the same species.

+“But Des has a really good poker face.” ~Julie

+Which is essential to a working relationship apparently.

+Lindsay for the win. 

+We’re not emotionally prepared for anyone but AshLee to go home, so we should probably stop watching right now.

+“What? What? What? What? What? What?” ~Lisa, in AshLee’s Yzma cat voice

+Okay, the mood people are having such a good time with this episode. They are trying all sorts of new sound effects tonight.

+“My advice to you tonight….get this right.” ~CH

+…….helpful.

+I CANNOT TYPE FAST ENOUGH FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.

+The snark is flowing too fast!

+Intensely thoughtful gaze at the shelf with their picture frames....

+So basically, the decision comes down to who looks better in their publicity shot.

+How much extra do you think they would have to pay him to make him pick up one of their pictures and dramatically let it fall to the floor and break?

+Okay, I'm just saying...I'd be a good stage manager for this show is all.

+Des deserves so much better than Sean.

+Good thing she has that poker face as he brutally crushes her heart and her soul.

+Now the music is Scottish?

+Sean is LITERALLY the worst person at breaking up with someone.

+Ha! Take that CH. I just took your favorite word and used it properly!

+“This is probably a mistake….”

+Oh thank you, Sean. That makes this SO much easier.

+This is the hardest breakup to watch. 

+HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING?!?!

+“Des.” ~Sean

+“DON’T YOU DES HER!!!” ~Julie
+Uh oh. Julie thinks she's crying now. 
+Wow. This is emotional.

+This is not a break up hug. 

+Oh my gosh, Sean, you are the worst. 

+Someone fire Sean from this position.

+Someone fire Sean from LIFE.

+He just successfully ruined the next year of her life, because she is never going to be able to get over him now.

+Next bachelorette, maybe?

+We’d watch!

+Okay, lbh, we’d watch anyways.

+Oh my gosh, we’re just realizing that Des was at the VERY top of the Kiss Leaderboard, and now she is gone. 

+What a loss.

welp. that's all folks! i hope you were thoroughly entertained. we will not be commentating sean's tell all, but prepare for next week's fantasy suite dates of awkwardness, cause oh boy will we be present.