the bachelor: week 6

yes. this is indeed last week's commentary. if any of you are behind like me, because you actually have things that rank higher in priority than this show, feel free to read on. otherwise, skip this post and tune in later this week for hometowns. 

i love that this picture exists and that i didn't have to photoshop the words on it, because someone else on the internet already did it for me.

+I can already tell that there is going to be a lot of inappropriate boob coverage in this episode, so brace yourself, kids.

+And Tierra, literally everything about you is awful so…

AshLee's Date 

+AshLee is very sweet, but they don’t have any chemistry.

+Oh thank goodness he asked about Tierra.

+This mid-ocean make-out scene is disgusting.

+Shybree is now contemplating what it would feel like to go running with fake boobs like AshLee.

+Probably not good.

+Legit thought Catherine’s name was Christina until this very second.

+Tierra is actually complaining about her one-on-one? Wooooow.

+They’re actually tanning outdoors! Maybe they left the tanning booth in the States.

+Lesley is so high school.

+Sexy? That’s how you’re going to describe your date with AshLee? The date that was broadcast on national television? Classy.

+“I haven’t felt this way about someone in a loooong time.” ~Sean

+“Seriously? Oh, you mean since like, yesterday?!” ~Stef

+Uh oh. AshLee has something to tell him.

+She’s married.

+She’s actually a man.

+Her mom is a cat, and that’s why she looks like a feline.

+Ah ha! She WAS married! First guess. We win.

+Wow, she got married in high school. That’s crazy.

+She made a really big deal over that though, and it wasn’t that big.

+Midriff is sooo 90's, AshLee.

+Don’t say it, AshLee.

+Don’t say the L word.

+That was so awkward.

+This is so awkward.

+“AshLee is…..special.”

+Good response, Sean.

+Ah….cringe.

Tierra’s Date

+Apparently you win Tierra’s love by buying her things. That’s healthy.

+I don’t have anything to say about this date because every thought is so mean and I’m trying to hold it in.

+Like when Sean said she had a good personality?

+Oooooookay.

+WAIT. PAUSE. STOP.

+Go to this website.

+NOW.

+Okay. We’re back. 

+“If I find out that another girl has thrown me under the bus…” ~Tierra

+Let’s LITERALLY throw her under a bus.

+See? I can’t say anything nice. Sorry guys.

+“There was a little distant from you.”

+No.

+I mean, now I’m just nitpicking grammar, because that’s the nicest thing I can do.

+Awkward feet shot.

+EW. Her toes are disgusting!

+Get a pedicure if your feet are going to be on national television.

+Like, for reals.

+He could so easily push her off the dock right now, and no one would even blame him.

+“Ew! He just ate her!” ~Shybree

Group Date

+Why is Sean the cruelest person ever?

+Waking these girls up with a camera in the middle of the night?

+Mean.

+They were good sports though.

+Okay, that sunrise is really cool. No lies.

+Catherine is not the most intelligent person, but she is pretty good for Sean.

+AND Jaimei said she won the Most Attractive poll in her Psychology class so…

+Lbr, Sean doesn’t know any of these girls well enough to meet their parents.

+Okay, wait.

+I legit need a treehouse in my life right now.

+How did Desiree score shotgun?

+Anyone else feel like that would’ve been the scariest and most vicious game of shotgun EVER?

+Lindsay…

+Lindsay looks like a rodent when she is wet.

+There. I said it.

+Gee, too bad he can’t rotate them through for the “sexy” beach make-outs.

+Okay, Des is my favorite, but I think she deserves better than Sean.

+I like Catherine for him though.

+Her family thing was way bigger than AshLee’s marriage thing, and she did not freak out about it, so points there, too.

+“I know that the three of you are the three for me.”

+How beautifully monogamous of you, Sean.

+“The crazy girl in the wedding dress…” ~Lindsay.

+Lindsay. Honey. Why are you proud of the wedding dress?

Lesley’s Date

+“I’ve known him for awhile now…” ~Lesley

+Oh? Like…6 weeks, tops?

+Oh Lesley. You are a fool.

+She’s wearing too much blush. And eyeshadow.

+Bleh. Lesley, you are boring.

+And awkward.

+And you act like you’re in high school.

+I feel awkward about this date.

+Oh phew! It's over.

Tierra Fall out in the House

+Tierra. You are the most ridiculous person ever.

+But I am so excited for this, you guys.

+AshLee is SO wanting this conversation to happen.

+THAT’S MY FACE. I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS.

+Tierra, you have a sparkle. Do not let those girls take your sparkle away.

+If I could walk around 24/7 with a smile on, I would, but that would make my face freakin’ tired! 

+QUICK SIDE NOTE: Sean’s sister definitely got those bubble earrings on etsy. They are way too blogger chic. (Yup. Found them. Here.)

+How many times do you think she’s said the word ‘sabotage’ in the past ten minutes?

+She’s not even crying. There are literally NO tears on her face.

+“I want to tell you…”

+I can’t control my eyebrows.

+“I do this because I care.”

+And I can’t control my eyebrows.

+“There are actually no real tears on my face.”

+CAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL MY EYEBROWS.

+She is trying SO hard to produce tears right now!

+Okay, can we just all be so grateful that his sister came here today?

+QUIT SAYING YOU ARE CRAZY ABOUT THEM.

+I just salmon-slapped Sean in my head.

+Also, that was the worst way to break up with someone.

+But thank our lucky stars that TIERRA IS GONE.

+You have no reason to be sorry? Really?

+You just made this entire season awful to watch, but WHATEVER.

+Don’t worry about the viewers.

+“I just want to go home!”

+Convenient that you said that after he sent…you…home.

+“Nobody will take my sparkle away.”

+NOBODY.

+Okay, quick question: Who packed her bags for her?

Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

+I think Lesley really enjoys drama.

+She doesn’t really instigate it, but she seriously likes that it’s happening.

+Lindsay wins best dressed of the night.

+AshLee, even if you get a rose tonight (which I know you do, I heard spoilers), you are not going to win this thing.

+I think it’s going to be Catherine or Lindsay that wins.

+Des is too good for him, and AshLee….is half-feline.

+“This is my husband. And love does conquer all.”

+Stop talking.

+I think Lesley is sadder to say bye to the girls than to Sean.

+Also, the girls are like….scary close this season.

+To the point where Catherine thinks Lesley should have stayed and her go?

+This makes no logical sense whatsoever.

okay so i’m really excited for des's brother to try and fight sean next week. because they are both huge.

we are going to watch hometowns earlier this week, i promise! commentary will be up soon! (ish)