heartbreak and healing.

valentine's day is tomorrow. i love that holiday. i love it even though i've only spent it with a boy once. i just always have. tomorrow alyssa and i have a valentine's mash-up for you all, but for today, i thought i'd write about something more serious. i wrote this post for byu women's services and resources, but i think it's the most open and honest thing i've ever written, and it deserves to be shared here as well.

i looked up from my phone for just a moment as i stood at baggage claim in salt lake city waiting for my new purple suitcase to appear on the track. i was surprised when i caught sight of a face i knew. it was the face of a girl from my old ward, who i had talked to just briefly, maybe twice before. i knew virtually nothing about her. but she said hi, so i put my phone away and we talked for a minute.

we exchanged only tidbits of information, nothing of importance, until she mentioned the name of a boy who used to be in our ward. i had heard something about the two of them dating the summer before, but even without that hint i saw everything i needed to in her eyes. she was heartbroken. 

she spoke more freely then, telling me more than she probably would have under any circumstance besides being horribly lonely. but with every word she drew closer to tears, and as her eyes brimmed with moisture, mine began to as well. because when i looked in her eyes i saw the same agony and hopelessness that had filled my heart just 9 months before.

i remember the day it all began better than i would like to. march 18th. i remember what i was wearing, what classes i had, the tightness in my chest when i realized what was happening. i remember being stunned that this could happen so out of the blue. when i was so sure of him.

more than anything, i remember the worst pain i've ever felt in my life. it was emotional, spiritual, physical. it felt like that beating, bloody muscle was actually being torn to pieces. it felt like if i didn't have my arms wrapped tightly in front of my chest a dark hole would open and swallow me up. it was a pain i didn't know i was capable of feeling.

i never knew what a broken heart was until i had one myself. i'll admit, i thought it was all melodrama, and that you could just shake it off and move on, easy as that. but i had never been in love before, and i had never had someone tell me they didn't love me back.

it didn't take more than a few hours for me to realize i wasn't going to get through this on my own.

i'd had strong experiences with the atonement in the past. i'd handed over sins and guilt to my Savior's shoulders, and i'd let his sacrifice free me of my transgressions. but i had never considered that Christ could take away even the pain that wasn't my fault. i remember vividly one night shortly after the break-up when i sat on my couch drowning in pain. i felt it everywhere, pressing down on me and making it hard to breathe, hard to see light, impossible to feel hope. and i finally gave up and said audibly,

"i can't do it. Father, i can't do this. i can't handle this pain any longer. it hurts too much for me to bear."

and immediately i heard a whisper in my head, my Savior beckoning me forward saying, "kylie, I died for you. I suffered for you. I lived through this pain so that you don't have to if you will just give it to me instead. because I can handle it for as long as you need." 

so that's what i did. i put my pain on his shoulders and tried to live without it. it was there--it was always there--but i went from constantly drowning in sorrow to just a bit fragile. i took each day at a time, and i made my Savior my best friend. and i did whatever i felt i needed to do to heal, without worrying about what anyone thought. i wrote the boy a letter that i never wanted a reply to, i quit cooking for awhile, i blogged, i found a new job, i started reading for fun again, i started running, and as spring poured into the valley, i felt myself getting slowly stronger with the sun.

it was months before i truly felt whole again. before my heart felt put back together. i wish it hadn't taken so long. i wish i could have bounced back easier, that my heart could have been more resilient. but sometimes fixing something that is broken just takes time. time and trust and faith and a whole lot of reliance on the Savior to bear the pain.

 "Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word; yea, they were encircled about by the bands of death, and the chains of hell, and an everlasting destruction did await them.
And now I ask of you, my brethren, were they destroyed? Behold, I say unto you, Nay, they were not.
And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved." (Alma 5:7-9)

the Savior has the power to change your heart. whether your heart is guilty, lonely, stressed, or horribly broken.....He can fix it. will He take the pain away completely? probably not. but will He help you bear it immediately? i promise that He will. 

so we stood there, two people barely acquaintances in the overcrowded salt lake airport, as college students returning back to school bustled around us grabbing their luggage. but time was still for us. and i rememered that at exactly this moment the previous year, the boy had come to pick me up. he'd brought purple flowers, and i'd smiled. but now, as i saw the heartbreak in this girl's eyes and the hopelessness in her tears, i knew exactly the state of her broken heart. and i tried to take that pain away from her for just one second, to make it easier for her to bear. i hugged her, and she hugged me back, desperate for something to hold on to. i wished i had time to tell her everything i had learned from my Savior about healing, everything that helped me feel whole again, but the moment passed and we both got caught up in finding our bags and finding our way home. maybe, if i'm lucky, she'll read this and know.

and there's one more thing i would tell her: don't give up on love. don't give up on being yourself and being vulnerable and letting people into your life again. elizabeth gilbert said, "this is a good sign--having a broken heart. it means we have tried for something."

the barrel of the gun.

i saw him today. or i guess i should say that i talked to him today. because i saw him from afar twice last week.

i didn't have to go to my music class this morning, so i slept in a bit, did some homework, and then took my time getting ready for class at noon. i fussed over my outfit for awhile, trying to figure out the best way to wear my camo jeans and white wedges together. you know, stupid stuff like that that only a blogger would think about. but i figured it out, and i finally left the house feeling pretty good about myself.

then i walked to school in the sunlight. it's a beautiful day, and though i woke up feeling kind of sluggish this morning, the sunlight woke me up and made me smile.

i should have prefaced with the fact that i've been thinking about him a lot lately. more than i have in several months. usually thinking about him was a destructive activity--something that made me unnecessarily sad. bringing up old feelings that are otherwise dead, if you will. redundant and torturous. but lately when i think about him i'm thinking more about the experiences, not about him. about what it was like to be in a serious relationship. about canyon terrace, and my fhe family, and dating someone in my ward. about what i learned through it all. and i'll be honest....i missed it a little bit. just the companionship, i think. but not him.

anyways, i walked into the marb, heading to one of my el ed classes. the marb is a science building, so it's kind of random to have my educational seminar class in there. i actually spend a lot of time around the science buildings this semester, and he's pre-med, so at the beginning of the semester i thought i might run into him. but 4 or 5 weeks have gone by now and......nothing.

the point is, i was in enemy territory, but routine told me i should have been safe.

and then there he was. i walked into the building, towards the drinking fountain and.....oh, hi. he saw me, i saw him, there was no avoiding it. my heart started beating faster. i couldn't run away, i couldn't hide, and for a second.....i felt trapped. but i took a breath and i stood up straighter as he walked towards me. and i didn't freak out.

"hi, kylie."

"hey."

"do you have a class in this building?"

"yeah, an el ed one. kind of random."

an awkward moment as we both stood at the drinking fountain. then he fumbled over some words about having class in the building too. i realized he was more uncomfortable than i was.

i got a drink and then looked at him right in the eye. thank heavens for the shoes i wore that made me just his height; whoever invented wedges has my highest praise today.

and then..........there was a moment. a potent, nearly-tangible moment as i stared down the barrel of the gun and thought quite clearly, "i'm not afraid of you. why did i think i was afraid of you?" and i smiled.

"good to see you!"

turned around and walked away.

and then i got over it.

barefoot.

it was 68° today. 

i walked to and from work and classes slowly, to soak up as much sunshine as possible. i had to dress up for a job interview, but i think i would have worn a skirt anyways, because the skin on my legs needed to feel the sun. 

i think i might photosynthesize happiness.

i had to walk to the byu conference center for my interview, and since it was quite the trek, i decided to take off my shoes and let my feet get me there on their own. the feel of my bare toes in the grass was a trigger for memories of last year at this time. i was the happiest that i've ever been in my life. i'd made these amazing friends that i now call my roommates. i was learning so much in my personal gospel study. and i was in the midst of my first (albeit short) romance. my apartment complex had hills and grass between each building, and i walked freely between buildings barefoot, despite the oddity. my spirit felt free then, and walking barefoot underneath the pink blossoming trees made me feel free too.

i didn't feel quite as free today. 

i was walking more on cement than on green grass. the pink blossoms haven't come out yet. and instead of my first young, and innocent romance, i'm nursing my first real heartbreak. 

but i felt strong out there in that world with no shoes on. i felt independent. i remembered what it was like to think for myself and only myself. to be in the silence of my own thought. to have dinner plans for no one but me. 

i felt both empowered and lonely.  

i could have gone home after my interview, but my current apartment complex has no grass to sit on outside, and to stay indoors would have been to strangle my spirit. so i sat down in the grass outside the library, all alone, ate an apple, and read a novel. a novel about a girl looking for love and finding herself instead. 

and i realized, i think that's where i'm at right now. finding myself instead. i'll be the first to admit that it's a lonely place to be. i miss coming home early to cook dinner for both of us and whoever else would let me feed them. i miss sitting at the living room desk doing puzzles. i miss always having plans. 

but in the past week and a half, i've done more for myself than in the last three months combined. and my quiet, healing heart is grateful for that. it's grateful for a barefoot walk across campus all alone. it's grateful for the good kind of lonely.

because sometimes you have to be alone to remember just who you are. 

sometimes being lonely makes you the strongest.

it gets better.

things that have made the last hellish week bearable

this song:

{i'm like not even exaggerating when i say that i think half of the views for this video are from me.}

this pandora station:
Today's Country Hits

a little retail therapy:

these two:

 

these guys (and other friends):

texting conversations with this girl:

and most of all, this guy, who really does carry you when you're the one lost lamb:

fake it till you make it.

three new outfits that i photographed with my phone in classy bathrooms for y'all.
please don't judge me.







so there's a downright honest list happening right now. brace yourself:

1. getting broken up with suuuuuuucks. truly. i am not a fan

that was it. that was the list.
okay, here's another:

1. i have the best girl friends in the world. truly. like, you could try to compete with me on that, but i promise i'll win, so you should probably just accept it.
2. i'm wearing red lipstick today even though i don't feel confident enough for it.
3. i just started reading a new book. a novel! and that makes my heart feel comforted.
4. a few new items of clothing are making me feel pretty and (at least a tiny bit) more confident.
5. for the first time this semester, i have enough money in my bank account to start saving for my trip to see jaimei in seattle this summer.
6. i don't know what i'm doing this summer anymore, but i've gotten 4 job interviews in the last week, so at least i have options?
7. i get to move to a new apartment complex, new part of town, and new ward in just over a month.
8. i'm still planning on auditioning for noteworthy in the fall.
9. i'm really hoping and praying to get a job with efy this summer.
10. i know the lord loves me.

whew. that list was hard to make.
but i did it, right?

where our roots have grown so deep.

this post is my centennial birthday gift to my favorite state.

the kids i nanny wanted to go outside today and i had to say no, because at 9 in the morning it was already over 100 degrees.
then i went to the outdoor mall and discovered, regrettably, that i am not quite tall enough to really benefit from the misters.
then my dad came home after a 12 hour shift in the heat and fell asleep immediately, because that's just what the arizona heat will do to you.

so i guess the middle of the summer isn't exactly the best time to explain why i'm in love with gilbert, arizona, is it?
but after 19 summers here....i still can't get enough.

i love arizona because we make food with prickly pear cactus fruit.
and because we have an indigenous lizard called a gila monster that no one else knows about.

i love arizona because we have desert mountains with tall saguaros and bushy chollas.
and because we have sunsets that show every color of the rainbow.

i love arizona because we have food straight from mexico.
and because the more sketchy the restaurant looks, the better the food will taste.

i love arizona because we learn about our state geography in elementary school.
and because we grow up on country music.

i love arizona because we have cities, small towns, and my own little gilbert, which is right in between.
and because i rarely go to the store without seeing someone i know.

i love arizona because when people come here, they come back again and again.
and those born here love to stay.

i love arizona because it is my home.
and because it always will be.

[oh and don't worry, i only stepped on 5 pokey cactus sheddings
in the process of taking these pictures.]

we are hardy stock.

thought i'd given up on blogging for good, didn't you?

so did i.

first off, an explanation: my first semester of college sure looks fun from the viewpoint of my blog, but in reality, it was a pretty miserable experience for me. i struggled A LOT with my self-confidence, not making friends, and feeling like i had no one to talk to. i spent way too many nights crying alone in my room, because i just wanted to go home to arizona. kind of dark days, people.

but.

i went home over winter break, figured out who i was again, prayed a whole lot, and knew that i had to make my second semester at byu better than the first. even though i wanted nothing more than to transfer to asu and stay in az forever, i knew that God had sent me to byu for a reason, and i needed to find that reason. so i went back.

and oh my gosh, you guys.

the middle of march found me crying myself to sleep again, but this time it was because my heart was so full of joy and love. there was absolutely no room for sadness in my life. with complete reliance on the Lord, somehow i had turned my life around. i made friends that are going to last a lifetime. i did better in school. i made room in my life for the perpetual smile that i had been missing for so long. and when it came time to come home to my beloved zona for the summer......i didn't want to leave.

the quote above, written over the beautiful spring blossoms of utah that i still can't look at without smiling, came to me at the best time possible.

you guys, sometimes you have to burn to the ground. sometimes things have to really, really suck. sometimes you have to be at absolute rock bottom, with just a sliver of hope left, to be able to appreciate the all-consuming love that can and will follow.

to be continued....