barefoot.

it was 68° today. 

i walked to and from work and classes slowly, to soak up as much sunshine as possible. i had to dress up for a job interview, but i think i would have worn a skirt anyways, because the skin on my legs needed to feel the sun. 

i think i might photosynthesize happiness.

i had to walk to the byu conference center for my interview, and since it was quite the trek, i decided to take off my shoes and let my feet get me there on their own. the feel of my bare toes in the grass was a trigger for memories of last year at this time. i was the happiest that i've ever been in my life. i'd made these amazing friends that i now call my roommates. i was learning so much in my personal gospel study. and i was in the midst of my first (albeit short) romance. my apartment complex had hills and grass between each building, and i walked freely between buildings barefoot, despite the oddity. my spirit felt free then, and walking barefoot underneath the pink blossoming trees made me feel free too.

i didn't feel quite as free today. 

i was walking more on cement than on green grass. the pink blossoms haven't come out yet. and instead of my first young, and innocent romance, i'm nursing my first real heartbreak. 

but i felt strong out there in that world with no shoes on. i felt independent. i remembered what it was like to think for myself and only myself. to be in the silence of my own thought. to have dinner plans for no one but me. 

i felt both empowered and lonely.  

i could have gone home after my interview, but my current apartment complex has no grass to sit on outside, and to stay indoors would have been to strangle my spirit. so i sat down in the grass outside the library, all alone, ate an apple, and read a novel. a novel about a girl looking for love and finding herself instead. 

and i realized, i think that's where i'm at right now. finding myself instead. i'll be the first to admit that it's a lonely place to be. i miss coming home early to cook dinner for both of us and whoever else would let me feed them. i miss sitting at the living room desk doing puzzles. i miss always having plans. 

but in the past week and a half, i've done more for myself than in the last three months combined. and my quiet, healing heart is grateful for that. it's grateful for a barefoot walk across campus all alone. it's grateful for the good kind of lonely.

because sometimes you have to be alone to remember just who you are. 

sometimes being lonely makes you the strongest.