heartbreak and healing.

valentine's day is tomorrow. i love that holiday. i love it even though i've only spent it with a boy once. i just always have. tomorrow alyssa and i have a valentine's mash-up for you all, but for today, i thought i'd write about something more serious. i wrote this post for byu women's services and resources, but i think it's the most open and honest thing i've ever written, and it deserves to be shared here as well.

i looked up from my phone for just a moment as i stood at baggage claim in salt lake city waiting for my new purple suitcase to appear on the track. i was surprised when i caught sight of a face i knew. it was the face of a girl from my old ward, who i had talked to just briefly, maybe twice before. i knew virtually nothing about her. but she said hi, so i put my phone away and we talked for a minute.

we exchanged only tidbits of information, nothing of importance, until she mentioned the name of a boy who used to be in our ward. i had heard something about the two of them dating the summer before, but even without that hint i saw everything i needed to in her eyes. she was heartbroken. 

she spoke more freely then, telling me more than she probably would have under any circumstance besides being horribly lonely. but with every word she drew closer to tears, and as her eyes brimmed with moisture, mine began to as well. because when i looked in her eyes i saw the same agony and hopelessness that had filled my heart just 9 months before.

i remember the day it all began better than i would like to. march 18th. i remember what i was wearing, what classes i had, the tightness in my chest when i realized what was happening. i remember being stunned that this could happen so out of the blue. when i was so sure of him.

more than anything, i remember the worst pain i've ever felt in my life. it was emotional, spiritual, physical. it felt like that beating, bloody muscle was actually being torn to pieces. it felt like if i didn't have my arms wrapped tightly in front of my chest a dark hole would open and swallow me up. it was a pain i didn't know i was capable of feeling.

i never knew what a broken heart was until i had one myself. i'll admit, i thought it was all melodrama, and that you could just shake it off and move on, easy as that. but i had never been in love before, and i had never had someone tell me they didn't love me back.

it didn't take more than a few hours for me to realize i wasn't going to get through this on my own.

i'd had strong experiences with the atonement in the past. i'd handed over sins and guilt to my Savior's shoulders, and i'd let his sacrifice free me of my transgressions. but i had never considered that Christ could take away even the pain that wasn't my fault. i remember vividly one night shortly after the break-up when i sat on my couch drowning in pain. i felt it everywhere, pressing down on me and making it hard to breathe, hard to see light, impossible to feel hope. and i finally gave up and said audibly,

"i can't do it. Father, i can't do this. i can't handle this pain any longer. it hurts too much for me to bear."

and immediately i heard a whisper in my head, my Savior beckoning me forward saying, "kylie, I died for you. I suffered for you. I lived through this pain so that you don't have to if you will just give it to me instead. because I can handle it for as long as you need." 

so that's what i did. i put my pain on his shoulders and tried to live without it. it was there--it was always there--but i went from constantly drowning in sorrow to just a bit fragile. i took each day at a time, and i made my Savior my best friend. and i did whatever i felt i needed to do to heal, without worrying about what anyone thought. i wrote the boy a letter that i never wanted a reply to, i quit cooking for awhile, i blogged, i found a new job, i started reading for fun again, i started running, and as spring poured into the valley, i felt myself getting slowly stronger with the sun.

it was months before i truly felt whole again. before my heart felt put back together. i wish it hadn't taken so long. i wish i could have bounced back easier, that my heart could have been more resilient. but sometimes fixing something that is broken just takes time. time and trust and faith and a whole lot of reliance on the Savior to bear the pain.

 "Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word; yea, they were encircled about by the bands of death, and the chains of hell, and an everlasting destruction did await them.
And now I ask of you, my brethren, were they destroyed? Behold, I say unto you, Nay, they were not.
And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved." (Alma 5:7-9)

the Savior has the power to change your heart. whether your heart is guilty, lonely, stressed, or horribly broken.....He can fix it. will He take the pain away completely? probably not. but will He help you bear it immediately? i promise that He will. 

so we stood there, two people barely acquaintances in the overcrowded salt lake airport, as college students returning back to school bustled around us grabbing their luggage. but time was still for us. and i rememered that at exactly this moment the previous year, the boy had come to pick me up. he'd brought purple flowers, and i'd smiled. but now, as i saw the heartbreak in this girl's eyes and the hopelessness in her tears, i knew exactly the state of her broken heart. and i tried to take that pain away from her for just one second, to make it easier for her to bear. i hugged her, and she hugged me back, desperate for something to hold on to. i wished i had time to tell her everything i had learned from my Savior about healing, everything that helped me feel whole again, but the moment passed and we both got caught up in finding our bags and finding our way home. maybe, if i'm lucky, she'll read this and know.

and there's one more thing i would tell her: don't give up on love. don't give up on being yourself and being vulnerable and letting people into your life again. elizabeth gilbert said, "this is a good sign--having a broken heart. it means we have tried for something."

airing my dirty laundry.

i had a bit of a 'come to jesus' experience last night. 

and when i say 'come to jesus', i mean literally, a return to christ being the most important part of my life. 

i feel like i've been in a rut for awhile now. i've felt lazy, not creative, selfish, and lonely. mostly lonely. i've felt like i'm missing something. like i'm all ready for the next big thing in my life to happen, but nothing is actually happening. and to be perfectly honest, i've been a bit of an impatient brat about it. 

last night as i sat down on my bed to do my scripture study, i pulled out an old journal from 2012. i had listened to a spotify playlist i made freshman year at work that day, and it had made me nostalgic for that old expired part of my life, so i thought i would flip through my old journal and see what i had written during that time. i got through a few months (and only a few entries, because i'm a rather less diligent journal-writer than i am blogger), and i came upon this page...

and that's about when i realized that the kylie of a year and a half ago was a little bit smarter than the kylie of today. and a lot more humble and patient. 

and i remembered that god has a timeline for my life. he can see the whole picture and know exactly what trials and what blessings to give me and when. just because i feel ready for something right now doesn't mean that giving that thing to me would be the best idea, and i've been stubborn and proud to think that i knew better than my father in heaven. 

so i'm going to practice a little more patience and a lot more humility from now on. and i'm going to trust that he can see the whole picture while i'm just looking at a tiny, zoomed in portion of it. because why would i ever push such security away?

{posting on the byu wsr blog again today.}

This is enough for me.

This last weekend really had me thinking. 

It was general conference weekend, and as many of you probably heard, the group Ordain Women got some pretty big press when they tried to get into the conference center for the Priesthood session on Saturday night. The Ordain Women campaign is a group of Mormon Feminist men and women who believe that women should be allowed to be ordained to the Priesthood in our church. 

I've been following the thoughts and the writings of Mormon Feminists for several months. I've read blog posts, talked to members, listened to podcasts, read hundreds of conversations on twitter, and I've come to understand why they have what most people in the church think is a crazy goal. 

And I know no one asked for my take on the issue, but at least for myself, I feel the need to write it down.

[disclaimer: if you are not a member and/or don't care about this issue, you don't need to keep reading.]

This post reflects a lot of my feelings, as well as another blogger's thoughts on the matter, but her blog is private, so I can't share it with you.

I consider myself a feminist on a lot of issues. Should men and women have equal rights? Yes. Definitely. Should women be able to make as much as men in the workplace? Yes. Should women have the right to wear what they want and not be shamed for the straying thoughts of men? Yes. I believe strongly in all of those things. I also believe that women can be nurturing and incredibly strong and powerful simultaneously. To me, being a women takes strength and courage, something I've traveled a long road to obtain.

I also believe that members should be able to ask questions without feeling guilty. I think that we ask questions because of our faith, not in spite of it. We ask questions with the intent of expanding our knowledge and understanding, and if we had no faith, finding answers wouldn't matter. So I don't think Ordain Women, or Kate Kelly, or anyone involved with the campaign should be judged by us. That's not our place anyways. Not even a little bit. If they're making some horrible transgression in asking Heavenly Father for the Priesthood, that's not our decision to make.

But I don't support the ideas behind Ordain Women, and here is why:

I have nothing to prove.
I have nothing to prove to society, the Mormon church, the men in my life, God, or even to myself. I know that God sees me as equal to men in the world and in the church, and that has always been enough for me. Many Mormon feminists believe that woman's role in the church is unequal to man's. I feel no need to even argue that point, because this church, and my testimony of it, is enough for me.

Yes, there are accounts of women administering blessings in the Bible. The disciple Philip was told to have 4 priestess daughters. How amazing to hold God's power in your hands! And there are accounts in our church's history where major doctrine has been changed. I can only imagine that when African Americans finally received the Priesthood, the rest of the church thought it was insane. Probably about as insane as most people feel Ordain Women are right now. 

But I believe that when and if God chooses to make a huge doctrinal change, He will let us know through the words of the prophet. I know He hears our prayers, and I know He heard the prayers of the 150 men and women who waited outside at Temple Square Saturday night. But everything I've read from the group suggests that they want change in the doctrine, and they want it now. There is no plan to end the campaign any time soon. I don't think that it's in God's plan for women to hold the Priesthood, but if it were, it would definitely come in accordance with His timeline, not ours. And if He says no, are those men and women raising dialogue on the issue going to be open-hearted enough to receive such an answer? 

Men need women to enter the highest kingdom of glory in the life after this. They need our innate gentleness and nurturing and perspective. They need our ability to bear and care for children. And as our doctrine stands now, we need men just as much. We need the access to the Priesthood which they hold to get us to exaltation. Together men and women have the sacred power to create life. 

But if women had the Priesthood, what would we need men for? They still wouldn't have our divine feminine traits, but we would have everything it takes to reach exaltation. The sole purpose of men in God's plan would be to impregnate women, and after that we wouldn't need them anymore. We could bless our own babies, baptize our own children, administer blessings over our families when needed. I wouldn't need a Priesthood-holding son of God to do any of that. And that strips away the sheer foundation of our Heavenly Father's plan--eternal families reliant on each other for exaltation.

I'm okay with a lot of the questioning that has been going on in the church. I don't participate, but I understand it.
However, one thing that I am in no way okay with is people making rude comments directed towards our Priesthood leaders. I felt disappointed, sad, and physically ill seeing so many comments on twitter full of negativity about words that our apostles spoke. And these comments coming from members who raise their hand and sustain these leaders every year. From people who know that their words are not only true, but directly from God's own mouth. I saw one tweet that had me nearly in tears of sadness and anger, and I thought, "How dare you make fun of an apostle of God!" During a conference where the Prophet himself said it was the most inspired he had ever attended no less. I was--I am--appalled by that behavior from my brothers and sisters in Christ this weekend, and I truly don't see any excuse that makes it okay.
It has been told time and time again that as the world draws nearer to the Second Coming, it will only become harder to live as a faithful member of the true church. I'm not calling the people behind Ordain Women unfaithful, but I recognize that it may be becoming harder for some of them to trust in God's plan as days go on. It may be harder to accept that men get to exercise the Priesthood in a different way than women. It may be harder to remember that God has defined marriage as the union of a man and woman when there are lesbian, gay, and transgender people whom you know and love. That is hard for me. But the difficulty in following His plan is a sign of the times, and for me, I don't exercise my faith by standing in protest or picking apart the words of sustained apostles. I exercise my faith by reading my scriptures, praying, studying conference talks, and asking for the humility to accept my Father's plan. Some may call this blind faith. They may say I'm caught up in the patriarchy. They may think I'm a naive Mormon girl getting an education degree so I can never use it and spend the rest of my life making Pinterest-inspired crafts and perfect meals for my husband and babies. But they would be wrong.

I am a woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I don't hold the Priesthood. I have faith in my Father's plan. And that's enough for me. 

drag you around, but bring you back to where you were.

{moment of appreciation for the iphone 5's camera.}
{moment over.}

being home without many friends here these last couple of weeks has given me a lot of alone time to really just think, and i decided i want to write some of those thoughts out here, because it's my blog and i can.

 i've been reflecting a lot on everything i learned this summer at efy and even on some of the biggest happenings since this time last year. at this time last year i was headed into my second year at byu with my favorite people as roommates and absolutely no idea what was in store for me. i was confident in going back though. byu had become my stomping grounds and i couldn't wait to get back home to it.

and then so much happened last year that tested and tried me and hurt me and made me better. 

i learned so much about relationships and love. i learned about being a feminist. i learned to rely on the Lord not only in times of sin, but also in times of pain. i learned how to let people take care of me and see me in tears. i learned how to walk out of the storm and into a new day with a smile on my face and trust in God's plan.

on thursday i leave zona to go back to byu again and start my junior year of college. and i'm realizing just now that a good part of my current situation is exactly how it was last summer. new roommates who i already adore, a new apartment, new ward, new classes, new boys to be interested in. 

but i'm not going back the same person that i was last year. the experience is going to be different because i am different. i am different, but i am better. i am better because of the challenges and because of efy and because of my Savior. 

in cleaning out my room last night i found a poem that i wrote for an english assignment senior year of high school. i changed the middle two stanzas to match my life now and i'm gonna pull a bachelor-chris on you all and share that poem, which is something i've never done of this blog before, so go easy on me. 

it gets better.

things that have made the last hellish week bearable

this song:

{i'm like not even exaggerating when i say that i think half of the views for this video are from me.}

this pandora station:
Today's Country Hits

a little retail therapy:

these two:

 

these guys (and other friends):

texting conversations with this girl:

and most of all, this guy, who really does carry you when you're the one lost lamb:

we are hardy stock.

thought i'd given up on blogging for good, didn't you?

so did i.

first off, an explanation: my first semester of college sure looks fun from the viewpoint of my blog, but in reality, it was a pretty miserable experience for me. i struggled A LOT with my self-confidence, not making friends, and feeling like i had no one to talk to. i spent way too many nights crying alone in my room, because i just wanted to go home to arizona. kind of dark days, people.

but.

i went home over winter break, figured out who i was again, prayed a whole lot, and knew that i had to make my second semester at byu better than the first. even though i wanted nothing more than to transfer to asu and stay in az forever, i knew that God had sent me to byu for a reason, and i needed to find that reason. so i went back.

and oh my gosh, you guys.

the middle of march found me crying myself to sleep again, but this time it was because my heart was so full of joy and love. there was absolutely no room for sadness in my life. with complete reliance on the Lord, somehow i had turned my life around. i made friends that are going to last a lifetime. i did better in school. i made room in my life for the perpetual smile that i had been missing for so long. and when it came time to come home to my beloved zona for the summer......i didn't want to leave.

the quote above, written over the beautiful spring blossoms of utah that i still can't look at without smiling, came to me at the best time possible.

you guys, sometimes you have to burn to the ground. sometimes things have to really, really suck. sometimes you have to be at absolute rock bottom, with just a sliver of hope left, to be able to appreciate the all-consuming love that can and will follow.

to be continued....