the barrel of the gun.

i saw him today. or i guess i should say that i talked to him today. because i saw him from afar twice last week.

i didn't have to go to my music class this morning, so i slept in a bit, did some homework, and then took my time getting ready for class at noon. i fussed over my outfit for awhile, trying to figure out the best way to wear my camo jeans and white wedges together. you know, stupid stuff like that that only a blogger would think about. but i figured it out, and i finally left the house feeling pretty good about myself.

then i walked to school in the sunlight. it's a beautiful day, and though i woke up feeling kind of sluggish this morning, the sunlight woke me up and made me smile.

i should have prefaced with the fact that i've been thinking about him a lot lately. more than i have in several months. usually thinking about him was a destructive activity--something that made me unnecessarily sad. bringing up old feelings that are otherwise dead, if you will. redundant and torturous. but lately when i think about him i'm thinking more about the experiences, not about him. about what it was like to be in a serious relationship. about canyon terrace, and my fhe family, and dating someone in my ward. about what i learned through it all. and i'll be honest....i missed it a little bit. just the companionship, i think. but not him.

anyways, i walked into the marb, heading to one of my el ed classes. the marb is a science building, so it's kind of random to have my educational seminar class in there. i actually spend a lot of time around the science buildings this semester, and he's pre-med, so at the beginning of the semester i thought i might run into him. but 4 or 5 weeks have gone by now and......nothing.

the point is, i was in enemy territory, but routine told me i should have been safe.

and then there he was. i walked into the building, towards the drinking fountain and.....oh, hi. he saw me, i saw him, there was no avoiding it. my heart started beating faster. i couldn't run away, i couldn't hide, and for a second.....i felt trapped. but i took a breath and i stood up straighter as he walked towards me. and i didn't freak out.

"hi, kylie."

"hey."

"do you have a class in this building?"

"yeah, an el ed one. kind of random."

an awkward moment as we both stood at the drinking fountain. then he fumbled over some words about having class in the building too. i realized he was more uncomfortable than i was.

i got a drink and then looked at him right in the eye. thank heavens for the shoes i wore that made me just his height; whoever invented wedges has my highest praise today.

and then..........there was a moment. a potent, nearly-tangible moment as i stared down the barrel of the gun and thought quite clearly, "i'm not afraid of you. why did i think i was afraid of you?" and i smiled.

"good to see you!"

turned around and walked away.

and then i got over it.