guys, i don't know what happened tonight. all i know is that i went to the doctor, i went to the hospital for some blood tests (i'm alive, i'm fine, but if anyone wants to bring me a cheeseburger or chocolate shake at any moment, my door is always open), then i got my nails done. and a short time after that i was almost asleep and didn't want to commentate at all, and then somehow i wrote the longest commentary i've ever written in my life.
so.
if you read all of this, i will be convinced that i'm actually the most hilarious person in the world and i will never stop blogging. my fate is in your hands.
coming from me, lyssa, brittney, and ashley....
^^^this picture defines the relationship
+Two people on twitter said they would hate me if I didn’t commentate tonight so……here I am.
+ Also, I already know everything that happens tonight, and I’m exhausted, so things might get a little crazy here tonight.
+ Expect either way too much caps lock or me skipping half of what is happening.
Clare Meets the Fam
+ So I feel a tiny bit bad about this, but I don’t even like Cameeeeeela.
+ It’s totally not her fault, but it’s a definite thing.
+ Bring back Ricki.
+ The color blocking is back!
+ “HOW adorable was Juan Pablo with his daughter?” –Clare in interview
+ Like….are we supposed to answer?
+ “Dora the Explorer style?” –Lyss
+ BTW THE ANSWER IS NOT.
+ I want lipstick the color of Clare’s dress.
+ And yeah, I mean fuschia, get off my back.
+ Like, can you guys think of a word important enough to wear it on a necklace literally every day of your life?
+ “Is that JuPa’s brother? Who has adult braces?” –Lyss
+ So I heard that JuPa’s family doesn’t say very good things about him, and I’m excited about it.
+ Hyperactive.
+ First on the list of bad traits they say about him.
+ Very rude.
+ Hurtfully honest.
+ Alyssa’s just laughing because Clare’s having to defend JuPa to his own mother.
+ He’s willing to walk away from relationships.
+ Wow, JuPa is drunk after lunch.
+ He’s slurring all of his words. And he has a perpetual scowl.
+ He gets too wasted at lunch.
+ Juan Pablo’s dad is very sweet.
+ BUT NOT SEAN’S DAD SWEET.
+ I’m already sick of the live studio audience. And their stupid faces in the corner of my screen.
+ Give me Sharleen or give me death.
Nikki Meets the Family Again
+ Finally figured out that Nikki’s tattoo is a bird.
+ “I liked it better when we thought it said ‘Zupas’.” –Lyss
+ I think I would like Nikki so much more if she were not associated with Juan Pablo.
+ Sorry, I meant Neeeeeekki.
+ He’s incredibly stubborn.
+ “You have a great son.”
+ Hard pass.
+ “He’s just so full of love.”
+ Knowing the outcome….
+ LOLOLOLOLOLOL
+ He has no hobbies besides TV.
+ Momma JuPa asks if Nikki loves him, she says yes, and then she looks back at Nikki with dread.
+ Literally no good emotions on her face.
+ He can’t handle it when things get tough.
+ Nikki needs to get her roots done.
+ And start wearing dresses that don’t almost expose her boobs when she moves an inch.
+ Nikki thinks she knows Juan Pablo better than his family knows him.
+ BAD SIGN.
Studio Audience Stuff
+ It is so apparent how much CH hates JuPa and I just love that man.
+ (The first one, obviously.)
+ Guys, remember that time when the whole world loved Juan Pablo?
+ Like, last summer when no one knew anything about him?
+ For the record, I know Lyss was all for him on the blog, but I never cared much.
+ YOU ASKED FOR IT AMERICA, AND LOOK AT WHAT YOU GOT.
+ BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
+ Woohoo, I love this alum panel!
+ I just want a show with this panel making decisions and living life together.
+ Like….what kind of pizza would they decide to order together?
+ Or like….what would happen if they all played a game of mafia?
+ I need this in my life.
+ Catherine is the best and her bangs are even better.
+ LOOK HOW MUCH SEAN AND CATHERINE LOVE EACH OTHER.
+ JUST LOOK AT IT.
+ NEVER STOP LOOKING.
+ Everything on this show is “nothing like we’ve ever seen,” but this time they actually mean it so.
+ Boy who cried wolf, anyone?
Last Chance Date with Pregnant Clare
+ What if we put him on the helicopter and then pushed him off?
+ Yes.
+ I like this idea very much.
+ Pigface sounded like a sheep when Clare walked up, and we’re confused.
+ Does he not know that pigs say ‘oink’ not ‘baaa’?
+ Embarrassing.
+ “She’s sexy, she’s cute, and she kisses…..ay ay ay!”
+ ALL IMPORTANT QUALITIES IN YOUR FUTURE COMPANION.
+ Oh my gosh the awkward whispering part with no audio.
+ I am so excited about this.
+ She is finally seeing him as the pig that he really is!
+ Okay so for those of you who missed it….JuPa told Clare something along the lines of, “I don’t know you very well and you don’t know me very well, but I love hooking up with you.”
+ Except in a trashier way, because it’s apparently too bad for Clare to even repeat to the cameras.
+ NO BESITOS FOR YOU JUPA.
+ Like….I just don’t understand why NO ONE HAS JUNK PUNCHED HIM YET.
+ I want Sean to do it.
+ I want Sean to be the one to junk punch him.
+ And then Chris Harrison.
+ And then Dog Lover.
+ And then everyone else will just sit back and laugh as he loses his ability to ever reproduce again.
+ THAT would be good television.
+ “Talk about what?”
+ ^^^Literally think he’s said that 100 times in this conversation so far.
+ The new “ees okay.”
+ WAIT.
+ I just determined that I like Francine Frensky (Ben, for you peasants who haven’t been reading my commentary for years) better than I like Juan Pablo.
+ And then Lyss confessed that she likes Courtney better than she likes Juan Pablo.
+ And now I just really need Juan Pablo and Courtney to be together, because they just deserve each other.
+ Like, I’m fuming about Juan Pablo telling Clare that breaking their “no kissing” rule was her fault.
+ I can’t even type.
+ So pissed.
+ RUN AWAY CLARE.
+ RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN.
+ I love that Clare imitates his accent back to him.
+ “He is the Dolores Umbridge of my life.” –Lyss
+ TWEET THAT CRAP, THAT CRAP IS GOOD.
+ I can’t believe he is sweet talking her back into this relationship when she was so close to escaping.
+ WHERE IS FEMINISM?!
+ WHERE IS WOMAN EMPOWERMENT?!
+ And now that she’s back in his arms, she’s back to practicing her baby voice in preparation for the bun they have in the oven.
+ That’s the only explanation for why her voice sounds like a child’s.
+ BUT WHAT DOES THE ORANGE BRACELET MEAN?!?!
+ ^^^Questions about JuPa we've been asking all season.
+ “That was really….kind of ugly.” –Britt, as JuPa lip syncs.
+ “I don’t want a rose. I want forever.”
+ “Send her the missionaries! They’ll teach her about forever!” –Lyss
More Studio Crap
+ SHARLEEN SPEAKS AND I LOVE HER.
+ She is a goddess.
+ She is my goddess.
+ SEAN IS THE BEST.
+ Guys, Sean was live-tweeting this whole thing last night, and it was amazing.
+ He hates Juan Pablo so much.
+ I am typing way too much.
+ Do you guys actually even read all of this crap?
+ Let’s do a test. If you read this next question, answer it in the comments….
+ If you had a yacht, what would you name it?
+ Puns are encouraged.
Last Chance Date with Nikki
+ Neeeeeekki forgot her shirt again.
+ Is Juan Pablo’s chest naturally this shiny, or do you think he waxed it up a bit?
+ “Water or vodka in the cup? I need to know.” –Lyss
+ NOTHING THAT YOU HAVE TOGETHER IS SPECIAL, NIKKI.
+ Wait, what’s in the backpack?
+ “The map!” –Ashley, said ‘like, duh.’
+ Nikki asks him what’s going to happen when they leave the private island, and he goes, “Well I have a bed. And a TV.”
+ So.
+ Then he says that he would probably watch baseball by himself.
+ "I would be so mad if my husband watched baseball without me." -Lyss
+ Okay Nikki, he can’t say that he loves you while he still has another girl there.
+ It’s like a Bach rule.
+ Even if he wanted to say it, which he doesn’t.
+ Clare’s gonna lose because she didn’t give him a present.
+ I forgot that presents were a thing on this show.
+ GUYS.
+ Remember when Jef bought Ricki a marionette?
+ And when Chris wrote Des like an entire book of poems?
+ So she gives him her present, he gives her some BESITOS, and then he just takes off.
+ No….thank you?
+ Nope. Nothing.
+ Blah.
+ Got bored.
Final Rose with Clare
+ They are really rushing through this whole thing though.
+ No CH talk, no talk with Neil Lane….nothing.
+ EVERYONE WANTS THIS SEASON TO BE OVER.
+ Holy leg slit, Batman!
+ “I’m nervous….”
+ “EES OKAY.”
+ Why is Clare talking first?
+ “Clare. When you got out of the limo with your belly…”
+ So many memories.
+ Yes! She refused to hug him!
+ And now she’s just laying it on hardcore.
+ I love this so much.
+ And the studio audience claps.
+ Wow, literally all he says is “Mhm. Okay. Ees okay.”
+ How did any of these women last this long?
+ There goes Chris Harrison, being the shoulder to cry on.
+ I want to cry on his shoulder.....
+ More fuming and imaging the junk punching when he said “I’m glad I didn’t pick her.”
+ Just like…..
+ Nope.
+ Can’t.
+ JUAN PABLO IS THE WORSTTTTTTTTTT.
Final Rose with Nikki
+ “There’s a really good chance I’m getting engaged today, too.” –Lyss
+ They are just really drawing out this engagement talk that Nikki’s giving since he’s definitely not going to propose.
+ I can’t imagine myself ever writing this love speech for a human.
+ All the speeches I imagine giving to boys are about how stupid they are.
+ ^^^I might do this too much.
+ Doesn't even bother me to admit that.
+ Wow, he’s actually saying things that aren’t about her looks!
+ A first!
+ This is so romantic.
+ NOT.
+ “I like you a lot. A lot.”
+ VERY reassuring.
+ She is so disappointed right now.
+ So sad.
+ Where’s the “I didn’t propose” selfie?
+ “Don’t get cranky now.”
+ Um…..
+ Like, if a man said that to me, I’d show him cranky.
+ Yay…..you’ll be happy forever.
+ *INSERT SIDE EYE*
After the Final Rose
+ Y’all, this commentary is the longest I have ever written.
+ I get blabby when I’m anemic apparently.
+ SHARLEEN IS A GODDESS.
+ Sorry.
+ Clare’s talking and stuff but….we’ve heard it all before.
+ Anyone know why One-Arm Wonder is here?
+ Love that Clare doesn’t even want to talk to Pigface.
+ I don’t really understand why anyone would ever want to talk to Pigface tbh.
+ Our little Clare. Finally all grown up.
+ JuPa comes out. Half-hearted applause.
+ Boo you whore, Juan Pablo.
+ I’m not listening to him, because I don’t feel like getting angry again.
+ And I also don’t think that anyone is actually going to junk punch him.
+ “No regrets?”
+ EES OKAY.
+ “Nikki happily accepted the rose.”
+ Happily?
+ Nope, but good try.
+ CH asks about JuPa, and he definitely still hasn’t said the 3 little words.
+ But it definitely doesn’t matter because “he’s invested.”
+ Here’s the thing--
+ No one should be pushing anyone to be in love and say they’re in love before they are ready. And it’s right for JuPa to not say the L word if he doesn’t mean it. (Trust me, cause I’ve been on the receiving end of that.) BUT. If he isn’t in love with her after all this extra time since the show ended….he’s probably not going to fall in love with her. (I’ve been on that end too.)
+ JUAN PABLO IS A PIGFACE.
+ Okay CH, you gotta quit pushing it though.
+ If you have to force someone to say “I love you,” they don’t mean it.
+ CH and Juan Pablo openly hate each other.
+ WTF IS HAPPENING?!
+ Sean’s eyes rn.
+ He handles it all so well.
+ Even though he is fuming with hatred for Pigface.
+ Guys, like we all know that he picked Nikki because she was the best option at the time, but he definitely wasn’t looking for a wife.
+ He was looking for fame and fun and a lot of attention.
+ And poor Nikki is just getting dragged down with all of it.
+ Ugh, so done with this show.
+ Juan Pablo doesn’t want to share anything that is going on with their life because he knows everyone hates him.
+ And also because he doesn’t actually expect to be with Nikki for forever.
+ So.
+ SEAN AND CATHERINE FOR THE WIN.
+ Okay, let’s kick Nikki and Pigface off this stage and have a Bachelor alum dance party.
+ Yeah?
+ Okay, good plan Kylie.
Bachelorette Announcement
+ Oh so, Andi's gonna pick one hair color and stick with it for her season?
+ I feel like telling everyone “I told you so” about Andi being the next bachelorette, but I actually looked up spoilers and then just alluded to it for weeks.
+ #sorrynotsorry
+ “It definitely gets lonely being single…”
+ “WE KNOW.” –Literally the entire room full of us
+ “Assistant District Attorney or Assistant TO THE District Attorney?” –Lyss
+ loooooool
+ So we don’t love Andi, but after this last season, anyone would seem amazing.
+ I just hope they make her dance in most of the episodes.
+ So I feel like someday when I’m famous and wearing a sparkly dress on national television….I probably won’t be wearing a ponytail.
+ All we ask is that Des's Chris recites an original poem at the end of this AFR.
+ WAIT GUYS, I NEED ARIE TO BE ON ANDI’S SEASON AND I NEED THERE TO BE SLOW MO CAROUSEL KISSES AND I NEED THEM TO FALL IN LOVE.
link up
link up
and alas! it is finally over!!!
if any of you got all the way through that, you know what to do bbz.
