the bachelor: week 9

fantasy suite goodness all up in here! coming at you from me, lyss, brittney, hannah, and dylan!

Clare's Date

+WARNING: DRAMA IS COMING. BE PREPARED 

+(Also, Dylan is coming with either fudgesicles, oreos, or a frosty. So.) 

+The fact that any of these ladies like him enough to get this far in the show is cracking me up.

+I read Des, Sean, Catherine, Ashley, JP, and Dog Lover live-tweet this last night, and it was so exciting to see them all finally hating him.

+Cause like, we've been there for weeks, but everyone else is finally catching up!

+What a thrill.

+ “Chances that he looked up her skirt when he lifted her onto the boat.” –Lyss

+ 100%

+ We’re going to sing “Stay the Night” throughout the entire episode.

+ “It makes me think that Juan Pablo wants to set an example for his daughter.” –Pregnant Clare

+ Nah. I think he’d much rather do the nasty.

+ We should have been counting how many times they’ve said “fantasy suite”. 

+ Cause it’s at least 50x so far. 

+ “Is it weird that I want to meet Cameeeeela?” –Pregnant Clare

+ Um…wouldn’t it be weird if you didn’t want to?

+ Why are their candles in their cupcakes?

+ More importantly, why do they have cupcakes?
+Like, as far as the dessert hierarchy goes, cupcakes are way, way low.

+ So last night Sean tweeted that he thinks CH re-uses the fantasy suite cards each season.

+ We really like the idea of them just whiting out the names each season.

+ Looooooool

+ Ooh, but this key has a shiny blue ribbon!

+ Betcha didn’t get that, did ya Sean?

+ SO MANY FREAKIN’ EUPHAMISMS.

+ ARE THEY OR ARE THEY NOT GOING TO DO IT?!

+ THEY DIDN’T EVEN EAT THE BIRTHDAY CUPCAKES!!!

+ Wait.

+ WAIT.

+ We just discovered that Alyssa’s grandpa watches Bach.

+ THIS IS THE BEST NEWS WE’VE EVER GOTTEN.

+ And we’re still not sure if JuPa is wearing sweats or not.

+ Aaaaaaaand we’re back to the hot tub.

+ “He’s the man that….I want to have babies with.” –PREGNANT Clare
+Everything is perfect.
+Blah, blah, blah they kind of talk, but mostly just make out for a really long time.

Andi's Overnight from Hell

+ Is it possible that his English is getting worse each episode?

+ Or maybe he’s just getting drunker and drunker each day.

+(Dylan brought Oreos!!!!!!!!!!!)

+ Surprised that we haven’t seen more shirtless Juan Pablo this season.

+ But Alyssa made the very good point that his abs just aren’t keeping up with his arms.
+Which would explain the tank tops tbh.

+ So the only thing JuPa and Andi have connected over so far are waterfalls, which means that this date obviously has to include a waterfall.

+ Whoa.

+ Juan Pablo is attempting to communicate an entire paragraph in English rn.

+ Granted, it’s a paragraph that someone else said to him and he’s just reiterating.

+ But still.

+ When Andi is the bachelorette, do you think they’ll let her wear her one-pieces?

+ I think it should be her trademark.

+ Andi and the One-Pieces.
+^^^the name of our new band.

+ JuPa told Clare to stop thinking, and now he’s telling Andi to keep thinking.

+ Do we think that he knows what the word ‘thinking’ means?

+ Okay, so we’ve been a little upset with Juan Pablo for not talking all season, but now that he’s actually talking, we really need him to stop it.

+ Wait, so Andi’s key doesn’t have a blue ribbon like Clare’s.

+ “Yeah, because they aren’t nearly as worried about her losing her key.” –Lyss

+ Did JuPa just make a toast to “Great long talking”?

+ #wifematerial

+ HERE COMES THE DRAMA.

+ Wait, guys.

+ Like….what happened?!

+ JuPa thought it was perfect and Andi all of a sudden hates him?

+ I LOVE THIS.

+ BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!

+ “I need to know explicitly what happened.” –Lyss

+ But like…not graphically.

+ Oh my gosh, I love Andi. 

+ Wait, why would he tell her about his overnight with Clare? 

+ So we’re not really sure what happened, but we’re definitely siding with Andi. 

+ Like, easily. 

+ Why would we side with someone named Pigface? 

+ So which producer slipped Andi tapes of the entire season while JuPa was sleeping? 

+ Because she has finally seen the light.

+This.

Nikki's Date 

+ WHAT IS NIKKI WEARING?!?!?

+ Like, what possessed her to think this outfit was in any way a good idea?

+ Guys, literally all he has to say about any of the women is what they look like.

+ WHY IS HE TELLING HER SHE SHOULD WEAR A THONG AND HE WILL RIDE BEHIND HER?!

+ Oh my gosh.

+ 500% done with this show.

+ We’re sick of their conversation, so we’re trying to guess what Nikki’s side boob tattoo says.

+ Zumba?

+ Zachary?

+ Zoology.

+ Zupas?

+ “Well, she really likes cafes.” –Dylan

+ Now we’re researching.

+ “Just clicked on a link ‘Nikki’s bad tattoos’.” –Lyss

+ “Wait, like, bad ‘cool’ or bad ‘bad’?” –Hannah

+ Pigface has had ZERO hesitation in giving any of these girls fantasy suite cards.

+ But wow, Nikki has zero hesitation in UH-SEPTING too, so.

+ “She’s pretty, she’s sexy, and she cares about people.” –Pigface

+ Okay, first of all: Can we talk about parallel sentence structure?

+ Because….like, it’s a thing and you’re totally ignoring it.

+ And also, let’s all agree—as a human race—to not describe or let ourselves be described as pretty and sexy before caring.
+Thank you.

Girl Talk with Chris Harrison, Drama, and Roses

+ “I should have known that when Juan Pablo came out in a camouflage tie during After the Final Rose, this season was gonna suck.” –Lyss

+ Tuning out of Girl Talk with Chris Harrison, because JuPa doesn’t deserve CH’s attention.

+ “Wake me up when it gets interesting.” –Lyss

+ Oh my gosh, the videos.

+ WHAT IS ANDI’S GONNA SAY?!?!

+ I LOVE THIS.

+ I love the ominous music that is happening behind her.

+ I love the symbolism in her wearing black when the other girls were in white.

+ I love the TV-ception happening.

+ I love that she’s coming from behind to break up with him rn.

+ I LOVE THIS.

+ Wait, I just remembered Jef with one f’s video for Emily and got emotional.
+Guys, I am not allowed to think about Jef and Emily. Ever.

+ Why is he wearing khaki pants and flip flops?

+ “Why is khaki even a word?” –Lyss

+ I LOVE THAT HE IS GETTING DUMPED.

+ Wow, he really doesn’t care about her leaving.

+ Omg he’s finally using the “English is my second language” excuse.

+ “Sometimes I’m honest.”

+ Good one, JuPa.

+ I just want her to slap him.

+ Okay, I think she should just give it up and leave. But I also think that he’s a douche.

+ So I’m conflicted right now.

+ But like…he told her she “barely made it”?!

+ BAD MOVE, PIGFACE.

+ “Do you know how much more intense this would be if it were in Spanish?” –Britt

+ “I’ve never been with someone who has asked me so little about myself.” –Andi

+ Red flag.

+ Oh my gosh this is hilarious.

+ DON’T SAY OKAY.

+ OKAY IS THE BUZZ WORD AND IF YOU SAY IT ANDI DIES.
+DON'T KILL ANDI.

+ Why is he still trying to touch her face?!?!

+ Oh my gosh, Andi, just get out of there.

+ Your new life as the Bachelorette awaits.

+ So disappointed that she didn’t slap him.

+ “That conversation made me laugh harder than the entire season combined.” –Lyss

+ “She’s a lawyer. I would never argue with a lawyer.” –JuPa

+ GOOD CALL, PIGFACE.

+ This might be the best exit rape van we’ve ever seen.

+Andi and Juan Pablo weren’t just on different pages, they were in different BOOKS.

+ So she’s overreacting for sure, but I also think she’s justified in a little overreaction.

+ Clare got out of the car and Brittney yelled “BOOBS.”

+ “We’ve trained them so well.” –Lyssa, proudly

+ “Andi is no longer with us.” –CH

+ She’s dead.
+Because JuPa said "Okay" one too many times.

+ Oh my gosh, Nikki and Clare hate each other so much.

+ This is so great.

+ But Nikki is so upset that Andi’s gone!

+ How are there girls this late in the season that are still friends?!

+ “She didn’t have a strong feels for me.” –JuPa

+ Looooooool

+ We decided that the best possible scenario at this point would be for Clare to tell JuPa she wasn’t interested anymore and for Nikki to win by default.

+ “Ironic use of the word default.” -Lyssa

+ DOG LOVER AND FREE SPIRIT ARE BOTH COMING BACK AND I AM SO EXCITED.

+ I am so excited about the fact that all the girls are ganging up on him at Women Tell All.

+And just like that, the Oreos are gone.

link-up

whew! finished the marathon week of the bachelor! sorry if you really hate bach posts, but i'm fairly certain i have a whole following of people who only read these posts, so ya haterz are gonna have to deal. *insert tongue sticking out emoji*