the bachelor: week 5, part 1

this week's episode is called: sean is an idiot and kylie gets bored.

 

+Week 5 annnnnnd WE’RE BACK!

+They are so not excited about Montana.

+Em’s season went on this huge Europe tour and it must have used up all the budget for Sean's season.

+You get to see your boyfriend? Drunk Britney Spears, we are all fairly certain you have never even talked to him….

Lindsay’s Date

+It’s okay Lindsay, I cry every time someone asks me on a date too.

+Helicopter Count: 2

+(Unless there was one last week when I didn’t watch.)

+You’ve never felt so close to someone before?

+I think you most likely have attachment issues then.

+I mean, you wore a wedding dress on the first night, so it kinda makes sense.

+They sure didn’t waste any time talking….

+Stéf has legit been to this lodge. With her mom and her mom’s boyfriend.

+So pretty much the same dynamic.

+Lindsay just used the word adolescent in context, and Lisa and I are laughing over it.

+Sean doesn’t know how to NOT kiss someone.

+Totally thought the girl singing was Lindsay and I was like uber impressed for 2 seconds.

+This stage dance thing is so hardcore awkward.

+“I thought you were a crazy boy in a tie!”

+Oh COME on.

+We are guffawing over how ridiculous this dance is. And their relationship.

+This singer is trying really hard to be thankful for the money and TV time she is getting, but the ridiculous situation is definitely making it hard for her.

Group Date

+Sean, you are the cruelest bachelor ever.

+Take a girl on a date that she will actually enjoy!

+Britney Spears is drunk again.

+“Are those dogs?”

+I’m sorry….are those GOATS, dogs?!

+I just….I can’t.

+Oh look, they made replicas of Lindsay’s shirt from the previous night and made those the jerseys for this stupid goat milk contest.

+I wonder how goat milk will react with all the alcohol in Britney’s system.

+Hey Selma, I don’t think you put enough makeup on this morning.

+I'd just like it to be made known that I am capable of canoeing across a lake without nearly dying. Or crying.

+Suddenly Chris Harrison is a sports commentator.

+Maybe he’ll switch career paths after this ep.

+I almost just said I could see him commentating Quidditch, and then I remembered Quidditch isn’t a real sport….

+But Lesley thinks she's a nerd?

+Who’s Katherine?

+Oh yeah. The beef girl.

+“Hey, that’s where the shot Narnia!” ~Stéf

+Really?

+“Okay, I don’t know that, but it looks like it, right?!” ~Stéf

+Hey girls, now that you’re all in pajamas, time to come hang out with Sean!

+Bleh. Guys, this is boring.

+Sean, you are the worst.

+Des, please don’t start crying. Because then I will lose respect for you.

+These girls are the worst.

+This show is the worst.

+Bleh.

+The girls are LITERALLY going to die?

+I do not think you understand what that word means.

+“What’s Tierra writing? Her memoir?” ~Julie

+The 4 coming back are going all crazy Mean Girls right now.

+“Yay! Four more girls I can’t make out with in one night!” ~Sean

+Keep drinking, Robyn. That’ll help.

+How did Tierra get that shirt……?

+This season is starting to really drive me crazy.

+Sean, just pick Tierra right now and you can both be horribly vain and disgusting together for your entire lives.

+You guys, I learned something the other day. Tierra’s forehead dent has a twitter handle, and it’s pretty much the greatest thing that has happened to me in awhile.

+These girls are crybabies.

+AshLee. Feline.

+“I have this…soul connection with you.” ~AshLee

+Julie is convulsing with silent laughter next to me.

+All you want to do is snuggle with Katherine?

+That’s a good foundation for a relationship.

+Also, I think she might be 12?

+"They’re sitting on each other’s laps." ~Britney Spears

+Not…..physically possible.

+Britney Spears is approaching 2007, guys.

+Bring on the razor.

+(That was some hardcore pop culture referencing right there, and if you followed it, you deserve an internet high five.)

+Britney, you’re crying, so let’s make out!

+Frog Kisses.

+Apparently “making a huge impression” on Sean just really only includes making out with him.

+Britney gets the pity rose. Shocker.

Two-on-One Date

+First off, every time I see Tierra, I just think about hammering her head right where the dent is.

+Not to cause pain or anything. Just lightly.

+I wanna ride horses! Finally a date that could be even slightly enjoyable.

+If there weren’t 2 girls and 1 guy on it, of course.

+Jackie’s adorable, but there’s no way she’s staying.

+I really hope this story Jackie is telling is true…

+Beause she is BUSTED if not.

+Jackie kisses with her eyes open so…

+Trying not to draw conclusions.

+This is boring. I have homework to do.

+SOMEONE IS EATING FOOD!!!!

+Wait. Short lived. Now they’re just drinking.

+Which girl do you think will be the first to kick the other under the table?

+Wait, maybe he’s finally realizing?!?!?!

+Ha! Jk. 

+“I have the biggest heart.”

+We scoff at you, Tierra. We SCOFF.

+I’m not buying this sob story one bit.

+Tierra's face matches the color of the wood bench they’re sitting on.

+How many times do you think Tierra can say ‘scared’ in one interview?

+OMG Sean, you are the worst.

+I give up on this show.

+Bye bye, auburn Malin Ackerman. You were classy, and you deserve better than scumbag Sean.

+Yeah, this would be pretty perfect if you just “accidentally” tossed Tierra in the fire.

Rose Ceremony

+We think Robyn is getting the boot.

+Des, you got it spot on. He gives roses to the girls who cry and need him to come rescue them.

+Heaven forbid he be interested in a strong, independent woman who has control over her emotions.

+Okay Sean, you suck.

+Go home.

+Creepy bear rug, then zoom in on Tierra.

+Appropriate.

+Robyn, please throw your drink on her.

+I mean, this show is ridiculous enough, so we might as well make it good TV.

+This is too dumb.

+I just want to eat some frosted flakes, that’s all!

+All these girls have to do is start crying and then he’ll make out with them and give them a rose.

+Pretty much every time Sean opens his mouth, at least one of us starts yelling at him.

+Blah, blah, blah, 90% of these girls are awful, Sean is even worse, and I’m gonna go eat some frosted flakes. 

i gave up.

sorry for the lack of entertainment y'all. 

boooooooored.