the bachelor: week 2

okay folks, we're calling this ep, the food that went uneaten.
brought to you by my roommates and i.

+This season is going to be SO much racier than last season. That makes my snark level go way up. Get excited.

One-Arm’s Date:

+Wait, does the first date girl only have one arm?

+I think I missed that somehow…..

+Bach Helicopter Count: 1

+“Guys, we’re gonna keep a long-running helicopter count this season.” ~Me

+“Can we keep a long-running count of Sean being attractive? Oh wait…” ~Shy

+Wait…….SHE ONLY HAS ONE ARM?!?!?

+I love that they zoom up on his hand on her upper thigh/lower butt. So classy.

+One-arm girl has a valley girl voice. *nasal-up-the-wazoo* “Oooooh my goooooosh.”

+Oh, don’t look over the skyscraper like you’ve never seen this exact scene play out on this show before.

+Is the skyscraper guy wearing a Jurassic Park T-shirt?! Ditch Sean and take HIM!

+“Ooooooooh my gooooooosh” Count: 10 billion. 

+“Count number 100 for attractiveness.” ~Shy

+First date=Share our most personal stories to alleviate viewer (and Sean) boredom.

+Snark off: The zip-lining story was pretty touching though. I may jest, but Sarah does seem sweet.

+Snark back on: Good news guys, Sean considers himself  “a man”. I was worried.

+“He’s rubbing her back….” ~Julie

+“Well he’s gotta rub somewhere…” ~Shybree

+From now on Tierra is named Boobs. Sorry if that makes anyone uncomfortable.

+I wish y’all could have just seen Julie’s impression of Tierra’s laughing face. I almost peed.

Weird and Slutty Modeling Group Date:

+Stéfanie just said slut, so it’s a really good night for all of us so far.

+Model chick is freaking out about this thing.

+I’m surprised it took Sean this long to take his shirt off tbh.

+Boobs is gonna be awful, and we LOVE it.

+Slutty vampires? Really? That’s what this show has come to?

+Wait Sean, you’re seeing a new side of Lesley?

+You mean her bare stomach?

+IT LOOKS LIKE PERN!!!

+Inside joke for you, Kels.

+Lbr, Kristy was more interested in the photo deal than she was in Sean.

+Okay so this night is just really not good for anyone’s hair or makeup.

+I’m okay with Lesley M. She seems pretty down-to-earth.

+“I think Lesley and I were really feeling each other.” ~Sean

+“YOU WERE LITERALLY FEELING EACH OTHER.” ~Stéf

+Lesley, please don’t pull some weird kissing gimmick……

+Crap. She did it.

+I think Daniella is drunk already. And also maybe stupid.

+Okay, the kiss thing wasn’t too bad.

+Kacie. Honey. You forgot your pants.

+I think Sean is definitely friendzoning Kacie right now. Which is a bummer, because I like her.

+Kace, I think you just got put MORE in the friendzone.

+“I DON’T EAT MEAT, BUT I EAT BEEF.” ~Julie does the best impressions, you guys. You're missing out.

+Selma is…….

+Fade out, cause I don’t even know how I’m feeling about that weirdo.

+Boobs seems so genuine around Sean and a total b around everyone else. So basically, she’s Courtney.

+Okay nevermind, I hated Courtney even when she was with Ben. But I also hated Ben, so….

+I mean, the dude looked like Francine Frensky.
+I digress.

+90s girl’s hair is INSANE. And we can’t decide if we love it or hate it.

+Her hair is twice the size of her head. AT LEAST.

+I think Kacie would do a lot better in life if she were just NOT on this show.

+Like most people.

Desiree’s Date:

+Sean, your joke with Emily was not fun. It was stupid and we all thought you were insane.

+Really Chris? What is this weird Punk’d business you have going?

+Why did they make the “artist” look like a Russian homeless man?

+He calls her Des! Adorable!

+We’re a fan of nicknames over here.

+I really like Des, but isn’t she the one whose “boyfriend” shows up halfway through the show?

+She looks kinda like my brother’s girlfriend.

+This joke business is beyond awkward……

+But she definitely knows it's fake.

+Bryce, please don’t pay a bunch of ridiculous actors to pretend to be at a fake art show and then make it look like I ruined one of the pieces. I don’t think I would take it very well.

+Like he reads this.

+They're having STEAK DINNER!!!!!!

+Another inside joke, sorrynotsorry.

+“I LOVE BROCCOLI!!! Take me on THAT date!” ~Julie

+I mourn the loss of so much food on this show that never gets eaten.

+Like, I would consider actually being on the film crew for this show if I knew I could eat the food that none of them eat ever.

+I want to be that older couple still holding hands everywhere!

+THEY ARE NOT EATING THE FOOD AND IT IS NOT OKAY WITH US POOR STARVING COLLEGE STUDENTS LIKE EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

+The pool is making farting noises.

+We’re mature.

+Des is perfect.

+HOT TUB MAKEOUT SCENE NUMBER ONE.

+“He was feeling me and I was feeling him…..”

+Producers, you do not realize that this voiceover makes this scene seem super sexual.
+Great. Now we all want steak.

Cocktail Party:

+Hair’s looking a little bit better tonight, ladies. But y’all should each take off a pound of makeup. You too, Seany.

+We’re pretty sure that some of these girls are only staying in their dresses with the help of a lot of double stick tape.

+Sean likes crazy wedding dress girl, and I really don’t know why.

+She seems all right I guess, just not very intelligent. 

+I just really like nerdy people.
+And she has weird teeth.

+How many times do you think they’ve talked about “being his best friend” this ep?

+Okay, WHAT is going on with weird yellow dress chick?

+She looks like she hasn’t showered in a long time.

+And I’m pretty sure that she wasn’t on the show until this cocktail party.

+And maybe she’s deaf?

+Sarah is being really sweet to keep trying to reach out to her though, so props to you and your one arm.

+Daniella is SO drunk ALL the time. And also maybe Britney Spears circa 2006? Like pre-bald phase but post-sex symbol phase. Anyone else feeling it?

+Kacie became a lot more catty than she was in Ben’s season.

+WEIRD YELLOW GIRL LIVES!

+I was like actually a little scared that she was comatose, guys.

+And now she’s like super cute? What the heck?

+Kacie. Honey. YOUR HAIR.

+Babe, I just feel like I’ve had to call you out more than I should have this ep.
+Pull it together.

+Jackie is SUPER pretty. Like an auburn Malin Akerman.

+Amanda looks like a train-wreck again.

+That one blond chick looks like she’s 40.

+Daniella is just going to stay along for the ride because she has the inside scoop on all the drama. And I feel like she’s gonna stay drunk the entire season, so that should be fun.

+SO confused by Amanda……

+He said y’all, so we’re swooning.

i just realized i didn't make a single comment about spray tans this week. either i've become desensitized already or no one wore orange this week.
see ya next week!