the bachelor: week 1

it's finally here! sorry i was slow to get the commentary up. school and boy take precedence over the bachelor, believe it or not.

but let's just get this party started, shall we?
commentary brought to you by shybree, julie, stéfanie, and myself.

first of all, we're gonna go ahead and call this season
the bachelor: spray tan addition.
proceed.

+YOU GUYS. This is happening.

+We are hoping he doesn’t let himself get seduced. “Because Sean seems very seducifiable.” ~Stéfanie

+I’m so excited to see how orange he gets this season! I just feel like he’s going to break spray tanning barriers that we can’t even dream of.

+You guys, I have a thing for montages, because this Emily/Sean montage is making me have all sorts of feelings.

+THE CHILDREN. Remember how perfect Sean is with the children?!

+Okay, Sean is not my type at all, but I can respect the fact that he really needs to reproduce. That genetic gift just needs to be passed on.

+He should wear a green v-neck…ALWAYS.

+What the Arie?

+This Arie-Sean biz is making me feel all sorts of awkward.

+Pretty sure Arie wore that same shirt for half of last season.

+Who scripted this kissing discussion?

+I would take that job. Just for the lawlz.

+Okay, I gotta admit, dude looks good in a suit.

+Oh Chris Harrison. I’ve actually missed you a little bit.

+Tierra looks like a hooker.

+Was that mean?

+Welp.

+First impressions.

+We’ve got a mommy on the show! From SLC, too.

+Adorable.

+One-arm girl….I’ve always wanted to be able to crack an egg open with one hand! Teach me your ways.

+Ashley is rubbing me the wrong way.

+Annnnd...that’s why. Her name is now 50 Shades Girl.

+She’s literally insane.

+You don’t know why you’re still single? Honey, we know why. And after tonight, the entire world will know too.

+Yes! The patriotic music behind DC girl’s intro.

+Models are the worst.  Courtney and model girl would tear each other apart.

+Adopted girl’s stage direction: “Sit on the couch and look resigned.” ~Stéf

+It took approximately 23 minutes for the first tear fest.

+Longer than expected, tbh. 

+AshLee? Really?!

+What were her parents thinking when they spelled it like that?

+Get your act together.

+Jackie looks cute.

+Please don’t be insane.

+Someone get him a wet wipe for that kiss.

+Love it when girls pull things out of their cleavage. So classy.

+Daniella. I don’t know why, but I really hate you already.

+Was she drunk before she even got there?

+Cruise ship entertainer?

+Sounds sketch to me.

+I wish I could slap her.

+But you’ve gotta admit, Nashville girl got Sean’s color of orange spot on. Points for her.

+Katie looks like the star of a 90's romcom.

+50 Shades girl is literally the worst person on the Earth.

+I like Taryn. She’s not a groupy.

+Robyn fell.

+SHE DID A HANDSTAND THING AND SHE FELL.

+She’s probably gonna get the first impression rose just for that. Hahaha

+Ah man, I was hoping the dog girl would actually bring her dog.

+What is he doing?!

+Really? A rose? For her?

+All the other girls in the limo are watching this and I totally just love the thought of them crying inside.

+I really wanted him to mess up her name when he gave her the rose.

+I am a cruel human being.

+Haha, they hate her so bad.

+I think the producers planned the rose thing just to fuel the drama from the start.

+“This is weird.” ~Me as 99% of the girls walk in.

+I like the bridal stylist girl. She’s adorable.

+The one-armed girl looks like an evil stepsister.

+I feel bad for saying that because she only has one arm, but like….she has really evil facial features.

+The amount of girls who have forgotten to say their names is kind of ridiculous. He’s not that mesmerizing.

+Why does she have a football? Because that’s what normal people do, apparently.

+“She just wants to look at his butt.” ~Julie

+Ooh, good call. 

+Kristy looks like a parrot. Fun fact pointed out by Stéf.

+“Hiiiiii Ken, I’m Barbie…..”

+Stop talking.

+Barbie girl would probably be a really good phone entertainer.

+Okay, I'm being mean again. Sorry. Kind of.

+Bride girl is in a world where her only friend is alcohol.

+“Now that’s a bimbo.” ~Julie, as bride girl walked in

+Kacie B!!!

+I wonder if I’m still going to love her like I used to.

+I mean, no homo, but you get it.

+She has definitely spray tanned enough to qualify for this season.

+The girls are gonna rip her apart.

+I’m pretty sure I can narrow it down to 4 or 5 girls right off the bat. 

+How long do you think it’s gonna take until they’re all hammered?

+I’m pretty sure half of them are already, so probably not long.

+Boobs. Just….everywhere.

+Ah, Kacie is so cute! And I feel like they are both already good friends. And I like that.

+He lingered in that hug. Niiiiiiiiice.

+Black Barbie girl has either had a lot of plastic surgery, she’s ridiculously drunk, or she doesn’t have a brain.  Something is just not right there.

+“Oh, maybe me wearing a wedding dress was a bad idea?”

+“I wish I were more sober.”

+Alcohol kills dreams, you guys.

+She is wasted.

+Someone throw her in the pool. Please.

+Thank heavens the bar in this show doesn’t have a drink limit, because this would be so much less fun if half of them weren’t drunk.

+You guys. Is 50 Shades girl…..for real?

+I’m just really glad he has a rape whistle for protection.

+“Whoa….slit!” ~Shybree

+“Oh, did you say slut? Or slit?” ~Julie

+"Same thing." ~All

+Sean is very gracious. Which is why he totally just give her a pity rose.

+I love the amount of tears that have fallen already, and it’s only the first night.

+It’s gonna be really hard to shed the B. from Kacie B.’s name.

+Daniella has a really creepy stage whisper, and I think she may have been trying to be sexy it, but it wasn't working at all. 

+The wedding dress girl made it?!

+Nashville--Honey, it’s not cause you sang him a song, it’s cause you dressed like a hooker.

+I’ve already lost track of the crying count.

+We think they didn’t show 50 Shades girl leaving because whatever she did was just way too dirty for TV.

whew! that was long. i'll try to keep it shorter next time. 

me, in anticipation for all the drama & cheese this season will inevitably hold: