bachelorette commentary 3

bachelorette: week bikinis and helicopters

i don't think we were very funny tonight, you guys. i watched it right after taking a nap, and i kind of feel like i was sedated or something. i was just in a weird mood.

but anyways, tonight's bach commentary is brought to you by me, kelsey, lu, breckyn, and zoe. enjoy!

Intro:

+Right off the bat we think it’s going to be Jef for the win.

+Breckyn thinks Sean has the best butt. I missed how that came up but…does it really matter?

+Nope. You didn’t really like Arie’s family.

+I like how young she and Jef are together. He makes her seem her age, and not a lot older.

+Lu and I are getting goosebumps over Jef’s letter recap.

+Guys, I want him.

+Remember how Arie was Belle that one time?

+Really? You call him ‘Sweet Arie’?

+Emily is crying over Arie right now.

+Like, this is happening.

+Okay, before her Arie recap, I thought he was going home. Now I’m thinking it’s going to be Sean.

+UNLESS. What if she’s crying because she’s sending him home? This is a plausible idea.

+We’re super glad Chris Serial Killer Sloth is gone, but I do kind of miss making fun of him. We like the last 3 too much to make fun of them.

Sean’s Date:

+Sean is color blocking with that coral and royal blue right now.

+Is he wearing TOMS?

+This show finally looks like the Bachelorette. Helicopters and bikinis.

+That’s the ugliest private island we’ve ever seen.

+“Just me, you, and the camera man!” ~Emily

+ “Oh, we actually came to this private island so that I can drill you about every single detail from your past dating life. Fun, right?!” ~Emily again

+She’s upset that he hasn’t said the L word.

+I feel like this date is just getting super awkward.

+Okay, then he took his shirt off. Awkward doesn’t matter anymore.

+I’m pretty sure making out is not the same thing as snorkeling…

+“Wait, Zoe, you’ve never been on a ‘snorkeling’ date? I mean, it’s kind of the same thing. Both activities make it hard to breathe….” ~Kelsey

+He looks good in white.

+You shouldn’t have to pry the words “I love you,” out of someone.

+I feel like Sean and Emily’s relationship is really struggling to move past the kissing –and-feeling-his-muscles stage.

+Sean felt left out because he’s the only one who hadn’t written a letter yet.

+“Do they all have to write stuff down all the time? Why can’t they just talk?” ~Lu

+I think they both went tanning for the exact same amount of time. Their oranges match.

+Why do they always have to give this huge speech before saying I love you? Just say it!

+She’s not listening to any of this, because he hasn’t just said it.

+You’d think with all this practice kissing, she wouldn’t be so awkward about it all.

+Kelsey has the fantasy suite card memorized…

+Zoe just threw out the word “fornication”.

+This is going to get weird, guys. Our brains are not filtering comments that should and should not be said.

+You have been warned.

+Nice boob job, Em.

+They would have perfectly orange Oompa Loompa babies together.

+Way to go, Emily! Fantasy suite date is not necessary to know how you feel about someone!

+“He’s gonna run back.” ~Lu

+It would be classic Sean form. Bahaha.

+Sean’s a good guy.

+I am not typing SO much of what is being said over here, y’all.

+Filtering.

Jef’s Date

+Jef has short swim shorts.

+And somehow, I’m okay with this.

+Windy day + Jef’s hair= DANGER ZONE.

+Jef is not orange. Just another reason why he is superior.

+I feel really strangely about her weird braided ponytail thing.

+Alfalfa hair in Jef’s interview.

+A “masterpiece” is being painted in their relationship. I don’t even care about his clichés. I just love him.

+An orange shirt on Emily is the equivalent of a nude shirt on a normally colored person.

+Do you think Jef was singing Italian opera music while rowing that gondola-like thing?

+“Let’s just make out for the entire date!” ~E & J

+I like that Jef is asking her questions, and not the other way around. He’s totally real about all this.

+We’re surprised that she’d be okay with moving wherever.

+And I’m not really sure if she’s actually okay with that.

+“You are an amazing girl.” ~Jef

+“And this has truly been the most amazing episode!” ~Kelsey’s dad, in passing.

+Fun fact: Amazing is one of my favorite adjectives.

+And they’re just going to say ‘amazing’ ten thousand times in these five minutes so....great.

+Emily is the awkward kisser. For sure.

+“It’s cause she can’t feel her lips, cause they’re fake!” ~Breckyn

+She is SO set on Jef winning.

+These guys are all so great and respectful! Holy crap.

+Applause and goosebumps after his “fantasy suite” speech.

+You are being classy, Emily! You are being super classy!

+Okay, I just got goosebumps over them holding hands. What is wrong with me?

+“I just want them to like…play. And tickle.” ~Lu.

+Pause.

+WHAT?!

+Jef just quoted scriptures. And not even the Bible. Jef just quoted ALMA.

+“Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.” Alma 38:12

+You guys. That just happened.

Arie’s Date:
+Oh man, Arie is so going home.
+Holy crap, they are just going at it!
+“You can’t see him with your eyes closed the whole time!” ~Breckyn
+“Wow, this is going to be super awkward when she breaks up with you at the end of this episode….” ~Kelsey
+Okay, they are just kissing an insane amount. And then talking about how much they are kissing.
+5 hours, Mickey.
+Okay sorry, that was an inside joke. McCall isn’t here, so I had to type it.
+Arie needs some de-shine action.
+I don’t think Arie and Emily’s lifestyles fit together.
+Also, has her hair ever been straight before? Like, ever?
+Emily and Arie’s relationship peeked on their second date. And now it has fizzled.
+“He is SO sweaty.” ~Kelsey
+I’m bored with this talk, because I know he is going home.
+Blah, blah, blah.
+Holy dress slit, Batman!
+Okay, Emily is seriously impressive right now.
+Like, super classy.

Girl Talk with Chris Harrison:
+Em! What are you doing with this awkward fake ponytail thing again? You should only make these kinds of mistakes once!
+So many necklaces, tank top, fake ponytail, and mermaid skirt. It’s a really good thing you’re hot, Emily, because this is just not working right now.
+Nude lipstick is good though.
+Or is it orange…?
+I’m not feeling the girl talk tonight, because I’m so thoroughly convinced that she’s sending Arie home.
+Do you think we can get a petition going around for Chris Harrison to be the next bachelor? And have a gay guy host the girl talk?
+More blahs.
+Kelsey is about to cry?
+“I am SO emotionally invested in this season right now.” ~Kelsey
+That is a good color on Sean.
+Wait, I’ve said that multiple times tonight…
+Rose ceremony is not the time for TOMS, Sean.
+Jef looks good. And he is good with words.
+They will watch “a thousand” sunsets together.
+“A thousand is only a little over 2 years. So…” ~Kelsey
+Is Arie kind of a girl right now, or is that just me?
+She’s easily sending Arie home. She couldn’t even look at the screen.
+And he said nothing about Ricki.
+“Just as well as anyone.” Grammar matters, Em.
+She seriously has 3 solid guys right now. Bummer.

Commercial Break:
+Slothman is going to be on Bachelor Pad!!!
+MWAHAHA.
+The jokes will continue.

Rose Ceremony:
+It’s a good thing she’s sending Arie home, cause if she lived in Scottsdale, we would really have to restrain Lu from stalking her.
+Sean is really struggling in this outfit right now. I didn’t know this was possible.
+For some reason, we really love to argue about the order in which she gives out the rose.
+Breckyn and I were right. Jef gets the first rose! Because it’s SO obvious that she loves him.
+Lu and Kelsey just arm wrestled to see if it were Sean or Arie going home.
+Arie.
+WHAT?! Sean?!
+Are you kidding?
+Guys, I was way too confident in the fact that Arie was going home.
+Now this commentary looks ridiculous.
+Kelsey is legitimately crying right now. And there aren’t even strobe lights going.
+Sorry, another inside joke.
+I’m in a weird mood.
+Do you think it was because of those blue suede pants?
+Or the color orange?
+Dah! Cropped pants and navy TOMS.
+Like, it’s just really hard for me right now, you guys.
+“Break Charley’s heart, shame on Charley. Break Sean’s heart, shame on you, Emily.” ~Kelsey
+Sean would have been a good dad. Bummer, dude.
+Kelsey is actually kind of scary right now.
+Like, I’m afraid to talk, for fear of saying something to upset her…
+“Sean is going to be the newest Avenger. And then kill everyone.” ~Kelsey
+Men tell all!
+Yes! Cry baby Tony!
+And the weird Alessandro guy!
+And douchebag Ryan!
+Guys, this is happening, and I could not be happier.

i take back everything i said about jef winning. i obviously suck at predicting this crap, and i don't want to jinx it.