bachelor commentary 5

so happy with the outcome!

finale commentary!! it's really long you guys, but just bear with us. 

brought to you by myself,  kelsey, megan, brianna, zoë, and kelsey's mom.

+Okay. We are Team Jef over here.

+ “I’m so confused! Two awesome guys love me and I just can’t choose which one is better! Oh, and I’m rich and beautiful! My life is so hard!”

+ Okay, whoa.

+ “Oh man, they are going to do a whole video montage from day 1 and I am just so excited.” ~Kelsey

+Caracao. I want to go to there.

+ Ah, Ricki finally gets to meet them? Jef is going to be perfect with her!

+I feel like her mom is going to be scary.

+He brought flowers for her mom! Well played, buddy.

+And her sister-in-law!

+Her brother’s name is legitimately Ernie.

+“Oh, so they’re those kind of parents.” ~Brianna

+ Her mom has a really strange voice. Long-time smoker?

+So that’s where the Botox comes from! It runs in the family.

+Momma Suzy has less wrinkles than we do!

+The Botox combined with the smoker voice is just scaring me hardcore right now.

+I love that Jef isn’t nervous or anything. He’s really confident about how much he loves her.

+How do they turn Ernie into a nickname? Do you think they call him Ern?

+Gorilla Ern.

+How come half the people on this show get assigned an animal?

+Gorilla Ern makes Jef look like a baby.

+Cue the mood music.

+Jef and Gorilla Ern shared a man-hug. It’s official.

+Jef says the perfect thing to everyone, and I’m 99% sure he’s totally genuine.

+How am I only just now noticing that Jef has baby ears?

+Preview: I’ve never watched Bachelor Pad, but I’m pretty sure it would make me feel really good about my life.

+So…Arie’s wearing pajama pants to meet the family?

+ “Arie gets girlier and girlier every time he talks.” ~Kelsey

+Nice cape, Momma Suzy.

+ This is awkward.

+So awkward.

+Do you think sister-in-law is a mute?

+Arie’s box thing is sweet but….who is it for?

+Momma Suzy can make a nice little potpourri with it when Jef wins.

+Jef made Gorilla Ern like him. I don’t think Arie can do that.

+ “Her brother is kind of cute!” ~Kelsey.

+No.

+Arie has such great hair.

+ How did Emily’s dad end up with Emily’s mom? Because they do not look….yeah.

+Do Arie and Emily ever talk to each other? Because their lips are always otherwise occupied.

+Sister-in-law speaks!

+Her dad is really dressed down for this little get-together.

+Okay, we were talking about the hometown dates and I’m realizing….I think if I had met Jef’s family, I would have picked him on the spot, just because of the amount of babies present.

+How many of the audience members do we think are there just to score a date with new divorcee Chris Harrison?

+ I want him to meet Ricki! He would be perfect with her!

+That one Jef hair…..blowing in the wind….

+I’m glad their having this little argument. Because it’s real, and they are handling it.

+Yay! Jef talked some sense into her! And he handled it so calmly.

+The hair. Still there.

+ “They had that whole beach to themselves. And they sat on that blanket. The entire time.” ~Kelsey

+What a waste of a private beach.

+  I bet she got that skirt from the same place Dr. Spencer got her Ursula pants.

+ Chambray with neon green. Um…okay?

+They’re peering through the blinds at Ricki. Is she a zoo animal?

+“This is my friend, Jef.”

+Classic.

+Jef rocks those goggles.

+ That’s how you win a little girl’s trust. Let her push you off a bridge.

+ But seriously. That would do it for me.

+ Jef loves her!

+I love Ricki’s little giggle.

+  I think someone painted them all orange.

+I want a Cheeto cabinet.

+ It could have the the puffy and the crunchy kind.

+Oh my gosh, you guys. Cheeto cabinet.

+“Everything all changed.” ~Emily

+“Me too.” ~Jef

+Appropriate response or….?

+ YOU TOO! TAKE LUCK!

+She just called him Honey.

+ So they’re basically married.

+ His present is so adorable! He’s just a goof!

+ “I love it! I’ll keep it forever! Unless I pick Arie, then I won’t keep it forever.”

+I’m convinced that no one in this show actually eats.

+ “Don’t do too much thinking.” Good advice.

+ Do you think they’re given a certain pace they have to keep while walking away from each other? I can just picture her counting in her head to make sure she stays on track.

+Iguanas are perfect for transitions.

+Chris Harrison at her door

+WHAT.

+She’s gonna call it right here.

+She’s not even going to go on a date with Arie.

+ Okay, maybe not.

+Chris Harrison is just so…..I guess I just really think he would get along well with Nicholas Sparks.

+Okay, maybe she is.

+AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+She is done!!!!!!!

+She picked Jef.

+SHE PICKED JEF.

+Does this mean that she lives in Utah right now?

+Because…someone is going to have to restrain me from stalking.

+I mean, I would never….

+ “Oh my goodness, I am so at peace right now.” ~Bri

+Kelsey is imitating Emily’s crying.

+Dear John him. Just drop it off at the door.

+ “She has a boob on her back.” ~Kelsey’s mom

+Mic pack….

+They’re going to have such cute babies!

+Why are the producers letting this happen?

+Emily, just end it!

+We just rewound to watch Arie’s walk.

+ He walks like a girl.

+If Kelsey were on this show she thinks she would be the loser making the love potion at the end, while the guy already picked someone else.

+So….did she just leave the island or….?

+ “She just rolls down the window and is like, ‘No date for you!’” ~Megan

+This is awkward.

+Em, just end it!

+Zoë just had to migrate to share Kelsey’s chair for comfort during this tragedy.

+“You know…” YOU KNOW WHY!

+Oh, li’l buddy! L

+Jef just came out of nowhere and dominated this show.

+Let’s be honest, he basically dominated the world.

+You guys, I follow him on Instagram. So it’s that big of a deal.

+When they hugged we could hear his heartbeat in her mic pack.

+He looks really good right now.

+“Something about a man getting his heart broken just makes him really hot….” ~Kelsey

+ On the upside...Arie is back in Scottsdale!

+I promise I am not a real-live stalker.

+He is crying and he still looks good.

+ “He retains his manliness while crying.” ~Bri

+Which his weird, because he walks like a girl…

+ I really wish Emily had just jumped in that swampy reflection pool.

+Mournful silence in the studio audience.

+“Clearly, deeply affected.” ~Chris Harrison

+So not only is this a tragedy, but you just used two adverbs in a row.

+You should really get control of yourself, Chris.

+Ashley and JP! We applauded.

+JP is so….perfect.

+Baldies are sexy. If that baldy is JP.

+He looks a little like Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, and I think that’s probably the reason why he is amazing.

+Ashley S., you just said “bestie” on national television, so you should probably re-evaluate your life.

+Ricki is wearing a fanny pack. Coolest 6-year old ever.

+Video montage.

+ Jef in that skinny tie and suit…..dah.

+He doesn’t even know that Arie’s not there!

+“HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW!” ~Kelsey, squealing.

+ Like, seriously high-pitched squealing.

+He’s going to be so happy!

+Blue pants.

+“He’s fabulous.” ~Zoë

+“Spoiler alert, Jef! It’s you!” ~Kelsey

+ I don’t even want to know how much that dress cost.

+And let’s not pretend like she did her own makeup.

+“You guys, they’re going to be in love forever!” ~Kelsey

+The word dapper was just thrown out in relation to Jef’s outfit.

+“Guys! They’ve never slept together!” ~Zoë, so excitedly.

+They dressed her in a dress the exact same color as the background pottery.

+ Debonair is the word for Jef.

+ “Your shoes make that noise, and I love it.” ~Kelsey

+“Jef, you would be a great ward clerk.” ~Also Kelsey

+15 times? That’s 12 more relationships.

+Slight exaggerations.

+We love that he just stopped and fixed his suit before going to see her.

+Get down, boy, go head get down!

+On one knee.

+You guys! They’re going to be in love forever!

+ I’m trying to keep it real so I’m just going to say it….I am straight up teary right now.

+ I am ridiculous.

+He is so good at talking.

+“NO! It’s so adorable!” ~Kelsey

+Long pause…..

+YES!

+“They’re going to be a family! My heart is happy!” ~Kelsey

+That is a good kiss.

+ A really good kiss.

+Video montage!

+80’s rock ballad in the background. Love it.

+Jef in a kilt. Made the montage.

+Kelsey’s mom is singing along to this song.

+That ring is straight up Mrs. Hoodin status.

+“Keep video montaging!” ~Kelsey

+All three of them holding hands. YOU GUYS. This is just too much.

okay, after the rose isn't happening guys. too long. too tired.

hope you enjoyed reading this eternity-long commentary! 

and craft week starts tomorrow!