Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 1

SURPRISE!!!!!!

Y'all didn't think I was gonna do this, did ya?

Well guess what guys, I caved to all the peer pressure and HERE I AM. We are. We being me, Alyssa, Lauren, and Rachel. Bring it on.

+I HAVE NOT DONE THIS IN SO LONG AND I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO DO IT.

+Brooks came on the screen and I thought his name was Woods.

+That is how long it's been since I've thought about the Bachelor.

+"Is Chris Harrison standing on a pedestal?" -Lauren

+"He's always on a pedestal in our hearts." -Me and Lyss, literally in unison.

+I didn't watch last season so I don't even know this bachelor.

+Like, I'm not joking, but I don't even know his name.

+His name isn't actually Farmer, is it?

+Bleh. Already sick of the farm/love analogies.

+There are going to be soooo many analogies.

+"He's really going to milk it. WAIT." -Rachel

+SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!

+I neeeeeeed Sean and Catherine babies.

+Update, the bachelor's name is Chris. 

+Good to know.

+Guys, how famous do I have to get at Bach commentating to get invited to this red carpet event?

+Nvm not worth it.

+Britt is attractive.

+Like, incredibly attractive.

+And I'm straight.

+Everyone on twitter says she gets to the top 3 and I also have a testimony that this will be true.

+Alyssa's trying to figure out how much weight DC chick is lifting.

+I think also Alyssa might be in love with DC chick.

+Fertility nurse from Chicago might come in handy for me someday. 

+But I can't handle people who talk to their dog about....their "daddy"....

+OMG.

+THIS IS THE FIRST SEASON WHERE THERE ARE GIRLS YOUNGER THAN US ON THIS SHOW. 

+THIS IS NOT OKAY.

+I swear I just saw the girl from Cyberchase For Real on the skinny dark-haired girl's intro this is so exciting.

Nikki Talks to CH

+"Everyone is still in love with you!" -CH

+"Except for JuPa, who never loved you." -A

+Distracted because I SWEAR LIAM HEMSWORTH IS ON THIS RED CARPET NO MATTER WHAT ALYSSA SAYS.

+Nvm, I guess his name is Robert.

+There was no substance to Nikki and JuPa's relationship, yet somehow she's talking to CH for a million freaking yearsssssssss.
+I am honestly just so upset that Dog Lover Kelly is nowhere to be found because I KNOW she was there from twitter AND instagram. And Sharleen. Ugh I love Sharleen.
+K sorry.

The New Women

+Britt's hair is so perfect it's disgusting.

+Also, she's crying?

+Ummmmm.....

+Girl is NOT keeping her cool.

+She's got some tricks up her bedazzled sleeves though.

+I had a boob fringe shirt like Megan once.

+People are still naming their kids Trina?

+I mean, I might name my car that, but....

+Jk, my car's name is Beth.

+Lyss got soooo excited about the almost-real human organ.

+Too excited....

+Are Daisy Dukes really necessary for this event?

+Please don't wear those to every rose ceremony.

+"That would be me. Except for like...sweatpants." -A

+Daisy Duke is crayyyyyy.

+I'm so excited.

+Also like, he's not gonna recognize her right now is he?

+Wait, he winked at her? 

+PRODUCER HELP. THIS WAS YOU, ELAN.

+(P.S. I'm twitter best friends with the Bachelor producer now and his name is Elan.)

+I looked over and I swear Alyssa is applying to be a "Donated Tissue Specialist" like the heart chick rn.

+My brand new RM Rachel is struggling with this incredibly secular show right now and it's precious.

+Lucky penny girl doesn't blink and she's terrifying.

+My cousin has a baby that doesn't blink, but it's okay because like....cute baby.

+My contacts are kind of blurry right now, and all the women look like someone else. 

+I swear to you, Monica Gellar is in this group of women.

+Oh my gosh, Monica Gellar on every reality show just going around cleaning everything.

+Wait, there was a LOT of sexual tension with Britt just now.

+They almost kissed?!

+"How did she create that sexual tension?" -Lyssa

+Lauren says it's because she hugged him, but I hugged a boy yesterday and we did not almost kiss so....

+WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!

+CH just walked in with a board and the rose, but we all thought it was a loaf of french bread and got really excited.

+Actual sighs of disappointment at it being a rose.

+(We like carbs.)

Where Are the Hidden Women?

+We're not that concerned about the extra women who are coming cause we looked them up online obvs.

+"I mean, I'm already #TeamTandra." -Lyss

+Farmer Man is a hand-toucher. 

+I would appreciate that in a man.

+This party would be way too long for my social energy capacity.

+This show is way too long for my social energy capacity.

+Ughhhhh there are moreeeeeeee of them?!?!

+The music for these extra girls is at least a thousand times too dramatic.

+Did they do this just to pit the girls against each other? 

+Yes. They definitely did.

+Provo, UT chick just showed up and we all literally screamed so.

+"Wedding cake decorator, from Provo, UT, wearing sleeves. Okay." -Lyss

+So much is happening in this apartment and I can't keep up.

+First of all, Alyssa might be in love with multiple of these women, including Tandra.

+Second of all, "That's not me, but I have a dress just like that." -Alyssa, about Alissa

+(Spoiler Alert: She doesn't.)

+Jordan just got here and she's already drunk.

+Oh no, Scottsdale girl is cray.

+Why you makin' my Zona look bad, huh?

+Crap. I've used "cray" unironically twice already.

+K wait. 

+Is WWE girl gonna fight DC Muscles?

+No. No. No.

+We're all silently crying over Carly's song.

+There are no words.

+Please click that link.

+Okay but, her dress is rockin' though and I need it.

+Literally why are they so upset about the normal amount of women for this show showing up?

+I need everyone to C A L M  D O W N.

+I like 4th grade teacher so much.

+Also, if I were on this show, I would bring letters from my students.

+Except mine would actually be from my students, not something that I wrote in 4th grade handwriting like this Tracy just did.

+Lauren thinks they should have their personality as their tagline, not their occupation, and we all agree.

+Jade is 18.

+I mean, she's probably not? But...she is.

+I miss Sean's dad.

+Somehow we're googling Sean's dad.

+This is the best idea we've ever had.

+WHO EVEN IS CHRIS BC SEAN'S DAD EXISTS.

+Guys, we just keep singing "My name is Carly..."

+Alyssa recently decided that 24 is the age that she'll start worrying about marriage, which might explain why so many of these women are 24.

+The only reason Lyss can't be on this show is because she wouldn't know how to pose in her headshot.

+"I wish I was a polygamist right now." -Farmer Chris

+Best Bach line in history, hands down.

+Girl who doesn't blink is going home tonight.

+I mean, please tell me she's going home tonight?

+Wasted. Just so wasted.

+But hey! Lindsay was wasted and she made it to the top 2, so anything can happen.

+These girls are all soooooo drunk.

+This is embarrassing.

+I am embarrassed for the female specimen.

Some People Are Still Coherent Enough to Talk to Farmer Chris

+"If we were singing karaoke at a bar together, what would we sing?"

+"MY NAME IS CARLY!" -whole apartment, in unison

+Wait, he said Tim McGraw and me and Lyss almost cried.

+Britt said she would give him a rose if she could.

+"Well Britt, too bad you didn't have a yellow rose like Blinky Macpherson!" -A

+OH MY GOSH THEY ARE KISSING.

+HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

+Literally how is she capable of this much sexual tension?

+Ugh this show makes me thirsty.

+K but, Britt is a 27 year old waitress from Hollywood.

+She wants to be an actress so hard.

+But....is she acting with Chris?

+*Law and Order bum bum*

+"But just give Tundra a chaaaaance!" -Lauren

+"My name is Tundra!" -Also Lauren

+Wait guys, what if they combined this show with a murder mystery party, but like, someone actually got murdered?

+The soundtrack would make a lot more sense tbh.

Drunken Rose Ceremony

+These girls all look like they're about to pass out and it has nothing to do with the rose ceremony and everything to do with the amount of alcohol they've consumed and the fact that it's probably 3 am.

+Jillian is scary good at eye-rolling.

+Daisy Duke is gonna pass out. Like for reals.

+"YES! I made it!" -Alyssa, after Alissa got a rose

+"Yeah, like you've never been drunk before!" -Lyss

+"Hey, one of those girls is a Mormon!" -Me

+"Would the sleeved, mother of 2 please step forward?" -Lyss

+Blinky is going home, I'm calling it.

+"One of the ghosts on Pac Man is named Blinky." -Lyss

+Wait. We just paused so I could catch up and the screenshot is the bedazzled midriff chick making a weird face and she looks exactly like Michael Jackson.

+BLINKY MADE IT.

+This is for television.

+I don't know why this keeps surprising me. 

+ELAN, THIS BETTER BE WORTH IT.

+Bachelor Night One: Worth it for the Free Booze

+The sun is up during these interviews.

+Oh my gosh that night must have been literal torture. 

+This is the first time I have felt sympathy for the Bachelor contestants as a whole.

+Lyss just pointed out that these girls are telling each other they love each other as they say goodbye and I'm simultaneously lol-ing and gawking.

+My exit interview: "It's 7 am and I am honestly just so grateful to get the hell out of this dress."

+This crying montage of the season is everything.

+We're pretty sure we have some nasty girls on our hands this season. With some serious potty mouths.

+I have got to get a hold of this lipstick that Britt is using, because she is kissing him a dang lot and it is not even slightly smearing.

+Not that I'm kissing anyone ever, but like...potentially someday? Hopefully.

+Can we just end with a crying montage and be done with it? I have homework.

+HALLELUJAH.

Join us next week, friends. Good to be back.