Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 5

We're a day late, but we did this for YOU!

The Land of Enchantment

+I'm sorry but...

+SANTA FE?!

+Seems like the perfect place to fall in love?!

+"They could take them to North Korea and they would say it's the perfect place to fall in love." -Lyss

+Someone please tell me this blond chick knows that Santa Fe is in the US.

+Please.

+Someone also please tell me who this blond chick is.

+I'm so sick of talking about Ashley I. being a virgin.

+"Our cheers are sooooo much better than theirs." -Lyss

Third Party Sex Guru

+Carly got the one-on-one that said "Let's come together", and we were really hoping she would sing "Let's get together, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

+PLOT TWIST.

+This is a two-on-one date with a yoga instructor.

+Why is this woman here?

+Okay, I just saw that she's a "Love and Intimacy Mentor" and now I'm actually scared for the next several minutes of all our lives.

+Update: Chris cannot match pitch while meditating.

+This is the weirdest date that has ever happened on this show and that is actually saying a lot because remember the overnight tent party?

+"Chris is just weird and not funny." -Lyss

+"This date is not what I expected!" -Chris

+Oh but ELAN KNEW.

+Update: My home teacher's name is Elan. 

+So.

+So apparently there's a question on the application for the Bachelor that asks you your greatest fear, and that's how they knew that Carly was afraid of physical intimacy?

+OH MY GOSH, THEY WOULD MAKE ME SWIM WITH SHARKS.

+I HATE SHARKS.

+Literally tearing up right now thinking about sharks. I can't.

+Carly is so great.

+But everything about this date is a nightmare.

+Almost as bad as sharks.

+This is a horrible situation to have a third party sex guru watching.

+But I truly can't wait for Chris to give Third Party Sex Guru the rose.

+LOL JK CARLY'S #1.

+Lots of talking and it's v normal so sorry, not typing anything.

+WAIT.

+IS CHRIS WEARING A TURTLENECK?!?!
+K wait. False alarm.

+Close call, though.

+"When it's love, I think you'll do almost anything to be with that person." -Carly

+"Like when Jim came back from Philadelphia for Pam." -Lyss

+"Or when Sean got Catherine an elephant to ride into the sunset on." -Me

This Would Be Better if it Was the Salt River

+Half of these girls aren't even on a date with Chris. They're just on a boat with a bearded man.

+"He's probably a better conversationalist." -Lyss

+Mackenzie is so young.

+"And getting younger?" -Lyss

+I have not and will never check the spelling of her name, so hopefully I'm spelling it right.

+It's looks like the producers are making Kelsey look crazier than she is, but I'm still scared.

+If no one references Newsies during this episode in Santa Fe, I'm gonna be pissed.

+Why are old girls coming back?

+Why is this consistently a plotline on this show?

+I have seen too many seasons of this, you guys.

+Things are getting boring and I'm almost totally positive that he's not gonna let Jordan stay, so Lyss and I are eating crackers with cheese.

+Shredded cheese.

+Like, bite of cracker, then a handful of cheese in your mouth.

+This is booooooring.

+(The show. The cheese is fun.)

+Jordan was the one who was always drunk, right?

+Ashley I.'s statement necklace is a Statement Necklace.

+Whitney is throwing down and I totally respect it.

+K, you should be nice to people because they are people, Ashley I.

+Cheese just fell out of my hair.

Just House Things

+"I want Carly's name to be on that date card." -Lyss

+K but like, if you knew they were going to abuse you with your worst fear, why would you be honest about your worst fear?

+I would NOT tell them about the sharks!!!!

+K but, why doesn't Britt shower?

I Think They're Still on a Date?

+"I hope we can just put this night behind us."

+I feel like they've said that too many times this season?

+Like, most dates should make you want to not get over them?

+I'm just saying, I usually go home from a good date still thinking about it....

+Ashley hates everyone except Mackenzie, and tbh, I'm kinda shipping it.

+"I think Michelle Money should always be a contestant on the Bachelor." -Lyss

Wakey Wakey

+Okay, there's literally no way that Britt's lipstick is from CVS. 

+I'm sorry that I'm still talking about this, but IT'S NOT NORMAL HOW WELL THAT STAYS ON HER LIPS.

+Do you guys think that Britt has tattooed lipstick?

+Ugh, I want that.

+So bad.

+You know how the girls always say that they were scared and then they looked over and saw the Bachelor, their fear went away?

+THAT WOULD NOT HAPPEN WITH ME AND SHARKS.

+I'm not sorry that I'm still talking about sharks.

+Lyssa and I said something really funny right here, but I can't remember what now, and that's how you know I'm getting sick of writing this commentary.

+Guys! The Sonoran Desert is so pretty!

+Look at that cute little cactus!

+I don't really know what's happening with Britt right now, but I also don't really care?

+Maybe she's a liar?

+When is the last time she showered?

+Is her lipstick tattooed?

+IDK IDC.

+"I"m so afraid of her..." Lyss says about Kelsey while giggling.

+I'm sorry, Kelsey's husband's name was Sanderson Poe?

+I....just....

+That is not a real name.

+"Did Sanderson Ford and Edgar Allen Poe have a child?" -Lyss

+"Isn't my story amazing? I love my story."

+OKAY.

+WE ARE LITERALLY NOT BREATHING.

+WHO IS THIS WITCH?!?

+K like, Blinky was very creepy and insane, but not in a dangerous way.

+Girls are talking, but we're googling pretzel puns.

+Oops again. 

Cocktail Party JK Just a Rose Ceremony JK To Be Continued

+Why is Chris having an emotional breakdown?

+Wait!

+This means GTWCH!!!!

+(Girl Talk with Chris Harrison, come on, guys.)

+Ugh, they're not even talking! 

+I miss Sean and CH's bromance.

+Okay so, if I was going to list my worst fears, Kelsey might be ahead of sharks.

+That's where we're at with this episode.

+Yay! No cocktail party shiz!

+Ashley I. is just soooo insecure and all of her confidence rests on others.

+And apparently this is now just an episode of "Who Has the Saddest Story".

+Whyyyyy are we dragging this madness out foreverrrrrrrr???

+We're ending with Kelsey on the floor crying, and ironically, that's about where I'm at mentally too.

All right ya'll, I don't know if I can do this anymore. We'll see how I feel next Tuesday, k?

Also, we just looked up Reality Steve's spoilers so....OOPS AGAIN GEEZ.