Bachelor Commentary: Ep. 4

Sorry I missed last week, y'all. Homework calls.

But we're back!!

Googled "picture of ashley i. from the bachelor with corn" to find this. Worth it.

Another Skanky Bikini Group Date

+"Let's do what feels natural..."

+Wildly inappropriate.

+Why is that Ashley I.'s entire outfit? A crop top and unbuttoned daisy dukes?

+Missing Andi's one-pieces right about now, lemme tell ya.

+"I have to find a way to break out of my shyness."

+Obviously that means jumping in the lake topless.

+Oh, and bottomless. 

+THIS DATE IS THE FUNNEST.

+Really supporting Kelsey and her sanity right now.

Chris's Sisters

+I missed last week when everyone fell in love with Carly, but it only took about two seconds with Chris's sisters for me to get there too.

+Also, Whitney might be pretty cool?
+No way these girls are all okay with moving to a tiny town in Iowa. 

+I'm not okay with that.

+And neither are his sisters, since they all moved out of it.
+But okay, keep saying that, girls.

+Who's this dark-haired little child?
+Oh, Jade. The 18 year old girl who says she's 28.

+Right.

Back to Group Date

+"I'm from Michigan. We have pretty lakes."

+GREAT lakes.

+LOL.
+I'm hilarious.

+Poor Kelsey.

+This girl has morals.

+She clearly doesn't belong here.

+I hate so bad that these girls chose to/are being forced to set up tents in their bikinis.

+K, I know a lot of you guys like Chris, but like....he's a pighead. 

+Not as bad as Juan Pablo, obviously, but still.

+I'm so happy to be here with you in your bikinis.

+Yeah. Don't like him.

More Sister Stuff, But Also Mostly Just Carly

+I choose Carly.

+K, this show is over. I decided.

+Except crap, Carly's too good for Chris!

+Dang it.

+I think Britt would have gotten the date card if Chris were choosing, but no way she's getting it from the sisters.

+Ugh with this music.

Now We're Camping, What the H?

+So it got cold enough for them to put a little more clothes on.

+But not that cold.

+"I would pay one of them $1 to put that rose in the fire. I would pay them a little more than that, but I don't have much." -Lyss

+So Kaitlyn's love language is Words of Affirmation and Chris's is Physical Touch.

+I don't know what I'm going to do with this information.

+I respect Kelsey not wanting to be there, but now she's kinda being super fake with him, so maybe I don't like her like I thought I did?

+Wait, Blinky has been here this whole time?

+Is Jimmy Kimmel behind that mask?

+Literally the only normal human on this date is Kaitlyn. 

+Please send everyone else home.

+Is Blinky going to murder him tonight?

+Because I feel like it's a very real possibility.

+I have always wanted a horror soundtrack in place of these weird orchestral pieces.

+So.

+Whiskey near the fire just doesn't sound like a good idea?

+ELAN.
+(It's no longer Bachelor commentary unless I call out Elan on something.)

+Okay, someone get the mic away from Ashley I. and Chris's slurpy kissing.

+EWWWWWW.

+I white girl cannot right now.

+Why is the fact that Ashley I. is a virgin her defining characteristic?

+Like, you're allowed to have other character traits.

+Kardashian chick is cray.

+And Chris is like sleep-slurring this speech to her?

+This is just a really bad sitch.

+"I'm not a hookup girl."

+...she says as she sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night...

Something is Going On in the House I Think

+I didn't know I needed to be keeping an overalls count this season, but now I'm sad I lost track of how many pairs we've seen?

+Is this prep team from the Hunger Games?
+OMG ARE WE GONNA MEET CINNA?!

+Literally why is Ashley I. still talking?

+Ah, the classic weird sponsored date.

+Dammit, now I want to be at Disneyland.
+You're allowed to swear when it's about Disneyland.

+Can we stop talking about how all these girls are jealous? 

+Cause like, duh.

+Move on.

+Wait a second.

+You're telling me that this guy is from a FARM?!?! In IOWA?!?!
+I have literally never heard these facts in every other sentence so far this season!!!

+Sorry. I'm losing patience with this show.

+Why is everyone always eating corn?!?!

+"Someone's gotta eat corn." -Lyss

+Okay, I support Chris and Jade. They're actually having a real conversation right now.

+We're speculating what singer they're gonna get for their private concert.

+All the Disney princesses in costume?

+The Country Bear Band?

+The Tiki Room?

+All right, a full orchestra isn't that far off from the Country Bear Band.

+So.

+More sponsored date moments.

+I can't wait for her jewelry to disappear at midnight.

+I'm just imagining the producers on the sidelines telling Jade to run out of the room so it looks more like a fairytale.
+"Run! But not too fast! Like, a little prancey! LIKE A FAIRYTALE!"

Group Date Take 2

+Carly just looked into the camera Jim-style and I love it so much.

+Have literally never seen Becca before this moment.

+Carly is so freaking cute.

+So this date is raising awareness for MS.

+Remember when they raised awareness for dogs by being naked on JPabs's season?

+And Andi compromised all her morals?
+SORRY IF YOU WERE TRYING TO FORGET.

+"I'm not athletic, and that's okay!" -Carly, but also me.

+Competition is in Jillian's top 5.

+Sorry. Strengthsfinder literally always.

+Jillian scares me.

+Not like Blinky Macpherson scares me, but still.

+Keep that girl away from the cutlery.

+OKAY PAUSE.

+There was just a really, really weird commercial for Poise pads and I'm actually considering emailing the Kimberly Clark recruiter to express my horror tomorrow when I get into work.

+Sorry to bring work into this.

+He just said Jillian is in his top 3 and we're like.....that's kind of huge?

+Jillian is just talking so much and Chris is having a hard time keeping up.

+I think he's actually pretty unintelligent?
+This dude could not keep up with an intellectual conversation.

+Or any conversation?

+Though okay, maybe Jillian should just let him get a word in.
+I don't really know who to side with on this one.

+Oh hallelujah, he's sending her home.
+That solves her talking and his unintelligence. For now.

+So Chris's top 3 means NOTHING, essentially.

+They didn't even show the girls' reactions when Jillian's luggage was rolled out. 

+That's Alyssa's favorite part.

Yes, Ashley, We Know You're A Virgin/Cocktail Party/Rose Ceremony

+Who is this blond boobies girl?

+She just pulled a blindfold out of her boobs.

+"50 SHADES OF GRAY." -Lyss

+This girl is a bimbo.

+I am so glad that my education and life experience will never allow me to forget the 5 senses.

+"What did you get from our tent conversation the other night?" -Ashley I.

+"Nothing. I was literally asleep and so confused." -Chris, in his head, probably.

+Why is she freaking out right now?

+He actually didn't even care about the fact that she's a virgin.

+So upset that Carly's first kiss is getting less air time than Ashley's FREAK OUT.

+"Is McKenzie wearing a t-shirt and a fanny pack?" -Lyss

+Probably.

+Becca, also known as How a Normal Person Would Handle Being a Virgin.

+Ashley's horribly insecure about it, and Becca is confident in her decision.

+This is so clear.
+I should be a social worker.

+Britt's hair continues to be inhumanly gorgeous.

+Has Britt never seen this show and does she not understand that confronting the bachelor about his decisions has never gone well for the women?

+BECAUSE MEN DON'T LIKE TO BE QUESTIONED.

+MEN ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.

+Sorry.

+I'm suddenly seeing this from a feminist point of view.

+Why can't he just respond to the question she asked very respectfully instead of getting all butt-hurt and defensive?

+Ugh I hate this show.

+Rose Ceremony Predictions: Britt is going to get the last rose and the music is going to get so freaking intense.

+Carly is the cutest person. (Not prediction. Fact.)

+Juelia is going home.

+Also, we pronounce Juelia "Whale-ia".

+WHY ARE WE STILL LETTING ASHLEY I. TALK?!?!?

+Lyss knows all their names now, but I don't recognize half of these girls.

+Oh good, all the ones I don't know are going home.

+That makes my life so much easier.

+Bye bye "Whale-ia."

+Chris to Blinky as she leaves: "Take care of yourself."

+No, but really.

+Please.

+Get some help.

+Chris's goodbye speech to Juelia was the most eloquent thing he has said on this show so far.

+So my guess is that they had to make Ashley I. the crazy person this episode since Blinky was going home.

+Would like an update on how stable Blinky is now.

OMG DRAMA COMING NEXT WEEK CAN'T WAIT GUYS.