airing my dirty laundry.

i had a bit of a 'come to jesus' experience last night. 

and when i say 'come to jesus', i mean literally, a return to christ being the most important part of my life. 

i feel like i've been in a rut for awhile now. i've felt lazy, not creative, selfish, and lonely. mostly lonely. i've felt like i'm missing something. like i'm all ready for the next big thing in my life to happen, but nothing is actually happening. and to be perfectly honest, i've been a bit of an impatient brat about it. 

last night as i sat down on my bed to do my scripture study, i pulled out an old journal from 2012. i had listened to a spotify playlist i made freshman year at work that day, and it had made me nostalgic for that old expired part of my life, so i thought i would flip through my old journal and see what i had written during that time. i got through a few months (and only a few entries, because i'm a rather less diligent journal-writer than i am blogger), and i came upon this page...

and that's about when i realized that the kylie of a year and a half ago was a little bit smarter than the kylie of today. and a lot more humble and patient. 

and i remembered that god has a timeline for my life. he can see the whole picture and know exactly what trials and what blessings to give me and when. just because i feel ready for something right now doesn't mean that giving that thing to me would be the best idea, and i've been stubborn and proud to think that i knew better than my father in heaven. 

so i'm going to practice a little more patience and a lot more humility from now on. and i'm going to trust that he can see the whole picture while i'm just looking at a tiny, zoomed in portion of it. because why would i ever push such security away?

{posting on the byu wsr blog again today.}