the bachelor: week 6

guys. let me just tell you all a little something. i woke up from a nap right before this episode and i think it was the best thing that has ever happened to bachelor commentary. this ish is hilar. snark-tastic up in here tonight. brought to you by me, lyss, hannah, and brittney.

   
WARNING: Two of the humans in this photo will leave the show tonight. Unfortunately one of them is not named Juan Pablo "Pigface" Valez. (Is his last name Valez? Idk, it felt right.)

     +Okay so going into tonight we have already determined that all the girls we like are too good for JuPa.

+So we’re rooting for Clare.

+Also, I followed Dog Lover on twitter because I already knew how badly I was going to miss her.
+Thanks to Aubrey for advising me to do so, because it was a great decision.

+Okay fangirling over New Zealand hardcore rn.

+Idk about you guys, but I think that if I went to New Zealand I would not want to experience it with a guy who was also dating 8 other women.
+Just a thought.

+Yeah, yeah, we get it everywhere is “the perfect place to fall in love”.

+Besides Provo, apparently. Because we’re definitely striking out.

+Andi is WAY too good for him.

+We’re back on the missing-my-son speil with NBA girl.

+Honey, just go home to your hot pro basketball player ex.

+You keep calling him Juan. His name is not Juan. It is Juan Pablo.

+Literally all of America knows that.

Andi's Date With New Zealand Wind/Juan Pablo

+“Let’s go lay in poop! Hot poop!” –Hannah

+ JuPa, take your stupid unevenly draped scarf and jump off a cliff.

+ I feel like the more I watch this season, the more I want to feminist rant on Juan Pablo.

+ It looks freezing!

+ Do not make me jump in lake if it is less than 90 degrees outside.

+ “They couldn’t do this activity on Sean’s season because he was too buff.” –Alyssa

+ Loving Andi for wearing a one piece.

+ WHY DO YOU NEED TO TRUST JUAN PABLO? HE DID NOT PLAN THIS DATE. HE IS NOT THE SAFETY OFFICIAL STANDING BY TO MAKE SURE YOU ARE FINE. HE IS LITERALLY DOING NOTHING FOR YOU BESIDES TOUCHING YOUR BODY.

+ That being said, I would like to go to this waterfall.

+ K wait, now we really need to go back to the hot springs again.

+ Did I ever tell you guys how Alyssa and I met?

+ Well it involves hot springs, twitter, and her showing up at my door with a pizza.

+ It’s a really good story.

+ Way better than Andi kissing a guy she is "starting to kind of like", which is obviously boring me.

+ Tons of pressure right now.

+ Like a geyser.

+ You don’t really care about the dinner?!

+ I LITERALLY ONLY CARE ABOUT THE DINNER.

+ “When the man is Juan Pablo, food definitely wins.” –Alyssa

+ They’re mumbling and it’s not much different than when JuPa talks anyways, but I really wish they would give Andi some subtitles.

+ “Nah, it’s okay, they’re just moaning.” –Britt

+ Facepalming over JuPa unzipping his jacket for the rose.

+ “So if I unzip my jacket will something come out?” –Hannah

+ “Maybe a boob.” –Britt

+ We’re not filtering anything over here tonight, y'all.

Group Hamster Ball Date

+ Okay, we have got to get a hold of one of those giant human hamster balls.

+ “Add that to my birthday list of “Things I’ve Seen on the Bachelor.” -Lyss

+ Elephant riding pants, hot tug, piano bike, giant human hamster ball.

+ That’s it. That’s the list.

+ So you can tell they're sending Cassandra home because of how much air time she is getting.

+ Good. She deserves better.

+ I think JuPa definitely had a couple of morning drinks before today’s date.

+ Just cause he is reacting to these giant hamster balls about as enthusiastically as I would, and I don’t think he has that kind of enthusiasm in him without the help of alcohol.

+ “THIS IS A THING.” –Hannah

+ OKAY NOW THEY ARE IN THE SHIRE AND YOU GUYS THEY TOTALLY DON’T DESERVE TO BE THERE BECAUSE I DON’T THINK ANY OF THEM UNDERSTAND AND I JUST CAN’T BREATHE AND ALYSSA’S TRYING TO CONSOLE ME RN BUT I THINK I’M GONNA CRY.

+ It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m fine.

+ Alyssa said we can go there. And to Harry Potter World. And to Tatooine.

+ I think I can get through this.

+ Poor Cassandra. It’s her birthday and he doesn’t even know that and she’s totally gonna go home.

+ (I also know this for a fact, because I saw spoilers. #sorrynotsorry)

+ Renee is way too good for him.

+ Hannah hypothesizes that Renee has not kissed a man in a long time.

+ I agree, because she is so excited about kissing him always, and I feel like that’s maybe how I would react if I got kissed right now.

+ Seriously not holding anything back tonight.

+ Ask me anything. I will answer with way too much info.

+ Like, why are they not playing the Lord of the Rings soundtrack for this?

+ I think it’s actually against the rules of Hobbiton to play music not written and directed by Howard Shore.

+ Wow, Sharleen wants to actually have a conversation with him?

+ I don’t think he remembers how to have a conversation.

+ I want to junk punch him so hard right now.

+ He literally doesn’t know what to do with these girls besides make out with them.

+ He disgusts me.

+ Especially because Sharleen is the only one who truly appreciates Hobbiton. She deserves so much better.

+ The blanket they’re using looks like a table runner.

+ Ugh. I hate JuPa so much.

+ Fantasizing about accidentally pushing JuPa into the fire behind him.

+ UH-SEPT.

+ Mother Renee is so sweet.

+ Uh oh. He’s pulling Cassandra aside now?

+ “Is he gonna give her a birthday spanking?” –Britt

+ Oh my gosh, I knew she was going home, but I didn’t know it was actually going to happen tonight!

+ This is so bad.

+ I mean, she deserves so much better than him, but still.

+ Getting broken up with on your birthday would not be fun.

+ He does not even know it’s her birthday.

+ “JUAN, DO YOUR RESEARCH!” –Brittney, in an accent that we’re struggling to find a name for.

+ I just want to hug her.

+ “We could be friends with her! She’s our age!” -Alyssa

+ Wait are you for reals right now?

+ They are going to play this music as JuPa walks back through the rain?

+ I am literally sitting here just not knowing what to do bc of this music.

+ Renee is going to be so sad that she didn’t get to say goodbye.

+ I CAN’T HANDLE THIS MUSIC THEY ARE ACTING AS IF SHE DIED.

+ I STILL WANT TO JUNK PUNCH JUPA SO BAD.

+ Okay, stop it with the adorable lambs.

+ I neeeeeeed one of those little lambs.

+ I don’t think the world understands how badly I need one of those lambs.

Pregnant Clare's Date

+ Clare is the only one who deserves him.

+ So, you probably shouldn’t be with a guy who “makes you want to crawl back into your turtle shell.”

+ Doesn’t really sound like a healthy foundation for a relationship to me.

+ But like, maybe a turtle shell would be a nice place to be?

+ I personally don’t know. I don’t actually have a turtle shell.

+ There’s a whole country of grass around you, and you’re going to sit on the one spot with rocks for this picnic?

+ Clare’s voice gets significantly more like a child’s when she’s talking to him and it makes me want to throw up.

+ Okay, can I just say that Juan Pablo is 100% justified in feeling like their ocean tryst was inappropriate?

+ Whether they had sex or not (and I don’t think they did) the night can still be inappropriate. 

+ This is the only time I will agree with him.

+ We’re trying to keep things appropriate, which means we’re obviously gonna spend the rest of the night in a hotel room.

+ That makes sense.

+ I wanna boob slap Clare so hard right now.

+ Did he just ask her if her heart is melting?

+ I just really think that if your heart is melting you should probably see a doctor.

+ “’Some people are worth melting for.’–Olaf” –Brittney

+ Guys, remember when Clare was pregnant?

+ LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

+ I just saw food.

+ On this show.

+ THERE IS FOOD AND SWEATS ON THIS DATE AND I WANT IT.

+ IT’S LITERALLY ALL I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

+ He wants to sex her so bad.

+ I think he’s going to pick her.

+ This feels so much like Ashley and JP right now.

+ The only difference is that I liked Ashley and JP…..

+ JuPa just said Bolt!

+ “He learned a new word tonight and he’s using it!” –Alyssa

+ THEY ARE DANCING IN SWEATS AND I WANT THAT AND I NEED THAT.

Awkward Cocktail Party/Boring Rose Ceremony
+ These transition shots of tiny lambs are everything.

+ We miss Dog Lover.

+ Why is JuPa not having Girl Talk with Chris Harrison this season?

+ WAIT! THEY’RE HAVING IT RN.

+ Girl Talk with Chris Harrison is my favorite part of this show.

+ I don’t think that JuPa is at an appropriate level of emotional maturity and English development to handle GTWCH every week.

+ “Three “perfects”, less than 5 seconds. #classicGTWCH” -Lyss

+ We have never seen rose ceremony cocktail parties be this awkward.

+The reason for the awkwardness is two-fold:

+ 1. Juan Pablo doesn’t actually have conversations with the women, he just makes out with them. And he can’t make out with them all at the same time.

+ 2. All these girls are so close, and they’re going to be sad no matter who leaves.

+ I’m so over this seaon.

+ I think Nikki could deserve Juan Pablo too. Or Kat maybe.

+ None of the others though.

+ Kat’s gonna go home tonight though.

+ I don’t actually know that, but it’s my guess.

+ Welcome to Sob Stories with Scottsdale!

+ Bleh. I’m bored.

+ But in other news, I just tweeted about missing Dog Lover and she favorited it so

+ “Ninas? We’re calling them ‘ninas’. That’s where we’re at? I’m so done with this.” –Lyss

+ Guys, this episode got so boring that Hannah literally fell asleep.

+ UH-SEPT BLAH BLAH BLAH YES MOVING ON NOW.

+ “I don’t know if I’ve ever really looked at Scottsdale’s face until this week but like…..I don’t know how to finish that sentence.” –Lyss

+ “Chelsie, yeah, we know. UGH! It’s not even fun.” –Lyss

+ Wait, Sharleen has not even said her “I’m leaving” sentence that was plastered all over the promos.

+ Scottsdale’s the only one he never kissed.
+He kissed Chelsie, but not Scottsdale.

+ I feel like she has to be a better kisser than Chelsie.

+ I also feel like Alyssa and Scottsdale could be friends. Like, maybe only twerking friends, but still.

+ I’d be okay with it.

+ SHARLEEN, GO HOME. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN PIGFACE.

+ (We’re now calling Juan Pablo 'Pigface' fyi.)

+ “The girls that are “standing out” are the ones doubting themselves.” –promo for next week

+ Yes, they are standing out because they are quality girls, but they’re doubting him because they are too good for him.

+ Overall, the best quote of the episode was “Whoever steps in the most poops wins!”
bach link-up

#sorrynotsorry for the caps lock