i'm just tired.

i haven't written a post like this in a really long time. somewhere along the way in growing my blog, i quit being vulnerable. even though i told you all yesterday that my most vulnerable posts are the ones i love the most, i somehow let those posts become rare. but this post is long overdue.....

this whole last year has been really hard. not the kind of hard that comes in the form of huge trials spaced close together. i haven't had to fight severe disease or tragic death or anything like that. not that kind of hard. but this last year has been the kind of hard that leaves me with an overall sense of......tiredness. of loneliness. of homesickness. of feeling like i'm doing everything i can and i'm not seeing any rewards.

it's more like a dull ache than a stinging pain.

now i'll admit, i've had some really great days and made some awesome memories. i've had the best roommates ever, and they make me laugh about 11 times out of 10. but over all i just feel so exhausted. i am so sick of constantly trying to make friends outside of this apartment. i feel like i've been trying to get used to this "new" home and this "new" ward for the last 10 months that i've been here. more and more frequently i find myself thinking "i just want to go home." only i don't even know where home is anymore, because shouldn't this place that i've been living for 10 months feel like home by now?

i've shared my favorite quote in the world here before, but i have to share it again:
"miraculously i have found that i have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. but the moment i indulge in imitation of my neighbor i feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream.....we will always have enough resources to be who we are and what we can become." -patricia holland

only here's the problem--i've run out of energy. i'm sick of being outgoing. i'm sick of going out of my comfort zone. i'm sick of being the person to instigate plans and sit with crossed fingers the whole time just hoping that people actually want to hang out with us. i'm sick of canceled plans and snapchat being the only form of communication. making friends here has felt like pulling teeth for 10 months now, and my energy is finally all used up.

you can't go back. i know that. i'm usually really good at living in the moment. but all i can think about is how badly i long for the days at CT when all the friends i ever needed lived just across the courtyard. we saw them, talked to them, hung out with them multiple times a week. it was so easy.

so i think i'm going to go back to being a recluse. sitting at home alone with a book or netflix sounds much more appealing to me than extending a thousand invitations that very few people accept. i have no energy left to make friends unless they're willing (and excited) to come to me. come join my comfort zone, maybe. then maybe if someone else puts in the effort i'll have more energy to leave the cave*. otherwise i'm just too tired.
*no, literally. my blanket is named "the cave".

read my most recent post for byu wsr here