the bachelor: episode 3

okay guys, this week we're all here! me, alyssa, sydney, hannah, brittney, ashley, and our friend kristen.
 read on.

+Okay we’ve already heard that the kiss with Sharleen is super awkward from twitter last night. 

+Looking forward to that.

+We're really debating what Alyssa's profession should be when she applies for the show.

+We were thinking about 'Custodian', but if Kelly can be 'Dog Lover', do you think we could get away with just 'Dog'?

+Kristen votes 'Dawg'.

+Kristen wins.

+We accept the dual-tone blue shirt on CH right now.

Cassandra's Date

+Do we think that google maps led JuPa into the lake a la Michael Scott?

+WAIT. This is as cool as hot tug.

+WE NEED BOAT CARS.

+Really? Her mom’s dying wish was to get her on the Bachelor?

+I’m pretty sure my mom’s wish would not be that.

+98% sure of that.

+Oh yeah sure, just drive your boat car to your yacht.

+That’s not pretentious at all.

+“I want to “jump in” with Juan Pablo,” as they literally jump into the lake.

+I live for these metaphors.

+So Kristen is new to our viewing party this week, and she's struggling to keep up with our nicknames.

 +Apparently “junk in the trunk” was a pretty obvious one though, so we’re good there.

+SHE IS TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.

+Guys, did you know that Cassandra hasn’t had a first date since she was 18?

+I just don’t think she’s mentioned it yet, and I want to make sure y’all are aware.

+3 years, guys. Since she was 18.

+Wow, he likes her though.

+BUT SHE’S SO YOUNGGGGG.

Group Date

+Interview before soccer date: “Why does he have a shirt on?!” -Sydney

+Though I am willing to admit that he looks real nice in that jersey.

+Renee correctly used the word literally just now.

+She should get a rose for that.

+They are giving Sharleen a lot of screen time.

+Too bad they're not playing baseball, because Kelly is probably pretty good at fetching.

+(See what I did there?)

+I would totally be embarrassing myself on this date. I suck at soccer.

+Like, should we acknowledge that they’re wearing matching gold bandeau sports bras or....?

+Alyssa just turned into a major sports spectator. She picked red to win.

+“The score is one-to-one…”

+“JUAN-to-JUAN.” –Britt

+Genuinely surprised that Free Spirit kept her clothes on for that whole game.

+I like Nikki. I don’t like the look she has going on tonight.

+It’s a little too Galadriel for me.

+Awkward forehead tapping has to be the least sexual body language this show has ever seen.

+Trying not to judge Andi for last week’s events, bc otherwise I really like her.

+No way that Elise is getting all this screen time AND the date.

+Yup. Def going to Fangirl Chelsie.

+Pretty sure this is the first time he’s talked to Danielle?

+Opera singer wins best dressed of the night.

+But guys, like does Sharleen have…..feelings?

+Kristen says that Sharleen is Sheldon from BBT but in classy woman form.

+Is she puling away from this kiss?!

+That was so awkward!!!!!!

+Has she ever kissed anyone before?

+Fairly certain she has never kissed anyone before.

+WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

+Okay wait, we just saw the back of her dress and now I’m retracting her best dressed award.

+I want to see alone time with Renee!!!!

+Real happy that Nikki got the rose. And without kissing him, too.

+Preview of the pool party and Hannah goes, “Oh, there are going to be SO many boobs.”

Fangirl's Date

+Elise needs to calm the crap down.

+Car dancing. So awkward. But so accurate.

+Junk in the Trunk has to be going home this week.

+Okay Chelsie is a fangirl, but she’s also very laid-back, so I’m not totally against her.

+They’re mentioning trust so much, how does she not expect a bungee jumping date?

+The next 10 minutes of our lives are going to be watching Chelsie whine about this, JuPa carefully comforting her, them jumping, her being glad she did it, and him saying how impressed she is with her courage and ability to trust him.

+Brittney in accent: “If we die, we die together!”

+I have never seen this scene on this show before.

+Never.

+Nothing even closely resembling it.

+How original.

+If I were the instructor guy, I would hate them.

+Geniunely wish the instructor would just push them.

+I feel like it would make it so much easier if they played “Breaking Free” really loudly as they jumped.

+WHAT?! She did it? I had NO idea that was going to happen!

+Brittney called the upside down kiss 2 seconds before it happened.

+Yes, let’s keep wearing the harnesses as we walk into the sunset.

+So attractive. So comf.

+Chelsie is growing on me.

+Are we still talking about Junk in the Trunk not getting this date?

+Get over ittttttt.

+Of course, I will ASSEPT your rose.

+Private concert count TWO.

+Billy Currington is giving her two guys to fangirl over rn.

+So proud of her for singing along to Hey Girl.

+Okay, she’s so fun! We love how easy going she is.

Breakfast/Pool Party

+“Can somebody PLEASE wear a yellow polka dot bikini?” –Kristen

+Apparently JuPa is making Brittney’s favorite breakfast for them right now.

+Even though he is climbin’ in their windows and snatchin’ their people up.

+Kelly. SO awkward.

+She looked less like a dog without makeup on anyways.

+Okay, lovin’ that Renee just came in au natural.

+Payamas? What are payamas?

+We really hope that Free Spirit makes that noise every morning when she wakes up.

+Why is there a boob montage happening right now?!

+“So we can all see what Juan Pablo is seeing!” –Brittney

+HASHTAG REAL TALK, I NEED IT TO BE SUMMER STAT.

+Scottsdale. BOOBS.

+Dog Lover is hilarious.

+“There are 14 other girls, and you look like a whore.” –DL

+Dying.

+So Free Spirit did bring a bikini top?

+Genuinely surprised about that.

+Backtracking to Opera Singer's kiss: “If that was her first kiss….I’m impressed that she is 29.” –Kristen

+Alyssa’s going to make Jim faces at the camera when she’s on the show.

+Has Opera Singer ever seen this show?

+"Wait, did he just eat her?” –Hannah

+JuPa really likes it when they cry.

+Wow, he did not want to kiss her!

+She must be as bad as she looks.

+“They’re kissing and holding?”

+The reality of how awkward this show is is just hitting me again.

+"I just haven't seen him or talked to him in so long." -Pregnant Clare

+“And I’m a woman, so emotions are kind of my thing.” –Kristen

+Those pregnancy hormones though. #roughlyfe

+.4 second shot of Free Spirit floating all by herself in the pool is going to be our favorite shot of the season.

+Mother Renee is back in action.

+So….where did Sharleen’s turtleneck come from all of a sudden?

+It’s my pool party and I’ll cry if I want to.

+Like there was less drama at my first boy/girl pool party in 6^th grade. And we were like, going through puberty and stuff.

+CH in the house!

+Why isn’t he in his swimsuit……?

Rose Ceremony

+I think Sharleen is gonna go.

+Free Spirit hasn't talked all episode and I miss her.

+Sharleen always has the most unique dress though, so there’s that.

+So…this time he said pajamas?

+Andi looks great.

+Dog Lover still looks like a dog.

+Dog Lover and Dog. 

+Why is her dog still there?!?!

+Genuinely think that Sharleen was going home until he saw her dress and changed his mind.

+Junk in the Trunk stayed too?!

+Man, we are failing at the predictions this ep.

+FREE SPIRIT CANNOT LEAVE US THIS EARLY.

+DANIELLE?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?

+I am so peeved at the producers for letting Free Spirit go home so early.

+FS, I will never forget you.

+Oh get over it, Barbie. You'll be fine.

+“You’ll find a sugar daddy.” –Kristen

+Free Spirit, we are truly going to miss you.

+And holy cow, that was an amazing parting speech?

+Like, I’m getting emotional rn?

+How much do you think I would have to pay them to make Free Spirit the next Bachelorette?

+SEAN AND CATHERINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+Okay. I’m fine. I’m fine.

until next week!
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