the bachelor: episode 2

tonight's audience is me, alyssa, hannah, and brittney.

and this is a forewarning that i go a little crazy feminist on this episode...
(also, there's a giveaway at the end of this post, so keep scrolling!)

+KISSING STARTS TONIGHT.

+Is dog lover’s dog still there?!

Pregnant Clare One-on-One

+Okay so our illegal recording of this episode cut the beginning off. Just now learning that pregnant Clare got the first card as he picks her up.

+Holy fangirls.

+Literally cannot handle the amount of fangirl happening right now.

+If you put Clare in a blindfold, she looks and sounds exactly like Kristen Bell.

+So if you hesitate to say it’s going to be a great night…..probably not the best date idea?

+He takes the blindfold off….. "And then he PUSHES her down the hill!!” –Britt

+Okay wait, this really is a good date though.

+WAIT.

+FREE SPIRIT. Naked in the hot tub.

+CAN’T.

+CAN’TTTTTTTT.

+“Juan Pablo makes me feel like….” Like a natural woman?

+Alyssa has stopped saying “if” she gets on the next Bachelor and started saying “when” she gets on the next Bachelor.

+Definitely not JuPa’s handwriting, as per date card tradition.

+Scottsdale gets a date? I forgot she was here.

+Snow date? Doesn’t matter. 95% of these dates end in a Jacuzzi.

+Producer’s idea to make her wear the dad necklace?

+“I turned into, like, Ice Queen.” –pregnant Clare (or maybe…..Elsa now?)

+Hannah: “Wait guys, don’t laugh! That’s actually a good metaphor!” Alyssa: “Hannah, it’s my job to laugh at the metaphors on this show.”

+Falling in love with how JuPa says “accept”. UH-SEPT.

+Trying to explain the date roses to Brittney, and she says, “Guys, that’s why none of mine have worked out! No one ever gives me roses!”

+PRIVATE CONCERT COUNT #1

+He’s….drumming on her butt right now.

+“Like, I feel like my bum would be a really good drum?” –Brittney

+“Tonight is literally the tip of the iceberg for this relationship.” –pregnant Clare

+She has to stay around, just for the sake of the metaphors.

+Hannah makes the interesting point that every guy would be charming if he had all this money to spend on elaborate dates.

Scottsdale's One-on-One

+Okay so….he looks great in a black v-neck?

+Not mad about that.

+JuPa says he’ll be right back and Brittney says, “And now he’s going to come back in a tangerine speedo”

+Wait…..now she's getting the tangerine speedo?

+HIS JACKET LIGHTS UP, YOU GUYS.

+So….we’re all signing up for the Electric Run next year?

+Yeah. That’s happening.

+WE COULD HAVE BEEN THERE. WE COULD HAVE SEEN JUAN PABLO.

+“THIS IS THE MOST DISAPPOINTED I HAVE EVER BEEN.” –I dare you to guess who yelled that.

+We approve of the baseball tee.

+We got a bunch of woo girls up in this house.

+The girls call Renee “Momma”, and I feel weird about that.

+Them being in SLC is making me emotional about Jef with one f.

+What is “beyond pumping”? Like, as far as heart beats go? What is the next level after pumping?

Porn and Pooches Group Date
+Free Spirit is getting crazier and crazier with every second.

+Blonde fangirl---what’s her name? I think she has the emotional capacity of one of Justin Bieber’s groupies.

+I'm actually fairly certain that she is one of Justin Bieber's groupies.

+“It’s like a Smurf sneezed on his chin.” –Hannah, on the photo shoot director’s dual-toned facial hair.

+Dog lover is about to start crying.

+Sexy photoshoots with the dogs?

+Like….am I the only one who has a serious problem with this?

+Free Spirit is 100% naked under that fire hydrant costume.

+So….why is this naked photoshoot a thing?

+WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AMERICA?!

+If Andi refuses to do this, I am going to be so proud of her.

+“Holy hell? Holy hell is my favorite swearing phrase.” –Alyssa

+How is Free Spirit not getting arrested for public indecency?

+This is literally the worst date I’ve ever seen or heard of in my entire existence.

+Who gives a freakin’ crap about the dogs? You are a woman and if you do not want to be naked on camera THEN STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.

+So 100% done with this show right now.

+Andi, quit saying this is not about you. This is only about you. No one gives a crap about the stupid charity or stupid Juan Pablo or this stupid show.

+About to write a letter to the producers in the name of feminism.

+Like, because she “gets brave” and does this, she should feel better about herself? NO.

+Literally about to quit watching this show.

+The worst thing that has ever happened to this show. Easily.

+Not joking about writing a letter to the producers. If anyone wants to join me, send me an email.

+Trying to calm down.

+But for reals not joking. Email in the works.

Post-Porn Date Cocktail Party

+CASSANDRA HAS A SON?!?!

+She’s our age!

+Dahhhhhhhhh.

+“Do any of the contestants not have children?” –Alyssa

+Okay wait, I guess she was 19 when she had him that's not too bad.

+"uan?"

+Literally never heard anyone call him just Juan.

+How drunk is Victoria right now?

+Like, I’m not the best at judging how drunk people are, but I’m pretty sure Victoria is about as drunk as you can get.

+ “That’s what life is about. Straddling people.” –drunk Victoria

+So I like Nikki a lot, but I also feel like she could turn into some crazy chick somewhere down the road.

+Drunk Victoria is my favorite thing in the world.

+Dog Lover is actually starting to look like a dog.

+What kind of dog does she look like?

+It’s important that I know.

+Prize for whoever sends me the picture of a dog that most resembles Kelly, Dog Lover.

+WAIT. WE MADE A THING:

+Thank you Brittney and Alyssa for figuring it out.

+Drunk sobbing in the bathroom.

+Drunk Victoria is making Renee look like a great mother.

+Guys like, literally nothing has happened to Victoria besides her drinking.

+She’s never going to remember that she was even on this show.

+“Juan Pablo, you can’t go in there, that’s the girls’ bathroom.” –Alyssa

+ “And she’s dangerous.” –Hannah

+“That toilet is getting more screen time than most of the girls.” –Alyssa

+This is legitimately the worst date I’ve ever seen on Bachelor history.

+Kelly? What the heck did Kelly do to deserve the rose?

+So confused.

+She is so unintelligent.

+Or maybe she’s had too much to drink too?

+I can't tell.

+Why are they glorifying Juan Pablo for going to talk Drunk Victoria?

+He literally didn’t do anything.

+“Mutts and Models? More like Porn with Pooches.” –Hannah/Alyssa combo

The Rest of the Madness
+In love with Andi’s swimsuit.

+Victoria, just..…don’t describe that as your “bathroom issue.”

+Andi and Renee are best friends, and it’s adorable for now, but also like, how long is it going to last?

+Good call sending crazy Victoria home, JuPa.

+Free Spirit looks weird in makeup.

+Predicting that Opera Singer is gonna get a one-on-one next week.

+Dying over Amy’s news reporter role play.

+Opera Singer has yet to wear a bra on this show.

+I think her excuse for acting weird about the first impression rose was pretty legit, actually.

+But I still think she could end up being a crazy bitch.

+I need to stop swearing.

+Chantel should have ditched the sock bun.

+We’re all struggling to comprehend the fact that NBA dancer is our age.

+WHICH NBA PLAYER FATHERED CASSANDRA’S CHILD?! I HAVE TO KNOW.

+Enter Mother Renee again.

+In other news, we're now calling her Mother Renee forever.

+JuPa is so much older than her. 11 years.

+Like, she doesn’t pass the divide by 2, add 7 rule.

+Brittney already loves Chris Harrison. So proud of the influence I may or may not have had on that.

+Okay, so Cassandra’s baby daddy is Rodney Stuckey, player for the Detroit Pistons.

+And the pictures we found of the two of them and their son are adorable, so I’m shipping them instead of her and JuPa.

+I would kill for that black leather dress on the Barbie girl.

+Wait, who is Allison?

+Also, someone tore off the back of Fangirl’s dress, and I'm not sure she's aware of it.

+So Barbie girl got a rose only because she’s hot.

+And news reporter was sweet. Young and kind of ditsy, but sweet.

+Not surprised about Chantel. We never even saw them talk.

+Plus, genuinely hate that it’s true, but the black girl rarely makes it past week 2 or 3.

+WAIT. I JUST GOT TEARY OVER DES AND CHRIS.

+I DIDN’T EVEN LIKE CHRIS.

+I HAVE TO WATCH THAT BACHELOR SPECIAL.
+Breathing.

+So excited for the girls to start hating Opera Singer.

+Me: "Wait guys, how do you sign up for the Bachelor?" Britt: "It's called imaslut.com!"

+"Like, if I got on the show, I don't think I'd be any more motivated to shave my legs than I am now." -Brittney

+We out.

well y'all, that's it. now to go write a strongly-worded email to the producers of this show.....
what did you think of the episode? share with your friends who are watching this season!
bach link-up here

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