how big your brave is.

i wrote this blog post all in one sitting without editing or re-reading anything. i also wrote it with no intention of ever posting it. but even though it's going to make me really, really vulnerable, i'm going to do it. because i'm brave, and because i have faith in myself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i'm sitting here alone as all my beautiful roommates sleep on the night before junior year starts, and i'm having trouble sorting out my feelings. i've been uninspired to blog lately, but i felt the need to write my feelings out freely.

i feel so much promise in this new year.
i feel excited to move further in my education toward becoming a real teacher.
i feel just a little bit nervous to audition for noteworthy.
i feel apprehensive about my new ward, but i also feel like it has a lot of great potential.
i feel sad knowing that i'm starting this new school year without rachel and laura. i miss them so much it literally hurts my heart to think about.
i feel worried about being myself in front of new people.
i feel a little bit confused about who i really am this time around. what impression am i going to make on people?

at the start of last year shybree, julie, and stéfanie made me so hyper all the time. and when we were all together, that hyperness never really went away. i remember one night we were at a birthday party for a boy in our ward, it was one of the first weeks of school, and julie and i were particularly loud and outgoing. i remember that i ended up leading a game of big booty, because no one else was really taking charge. i was in a group with a bunch of people that i didn't know, and i led the game without any nervousness. it was a moment when my "red" personality really came to surface. after that night i remember telling those boys that people used to think i was shy. they didn't believe me, because they didn't see an ounce of shyness in me at all.

this year i feel a little bit more shy, and i can't decide why that is. i think i might have a less secure base of people around me. last year i already had a boyfriend at utah state, so i didn't feel the need to impress any boys in our ward. this semester i don't have that, and i don't even want that actually, but i think that made me a little more outgoing. last year i had stéfanie, julie, and shybree as my solid foundation. and to be perfectly honest, i have never felt more at home than with those 3 girls. now julie is married and i haven't really talked to her in months. shybree's on a mission and i miss her energy, always dragging us to a dance party or something exciting like that. i have stéfanie, and i love her maybe more than i've ever loved any other human, but we haven't been able to be as close this summer because of efy and traveling and i feel like we need to get back in the groove again.

i have ashley from efy and we can literally talk about anything. i have hannah here from home and it's so comfortable, as it usually is with someone you've known forever. and i'm excited to get to know sydney and brittney even better and love them even more than i already do. but i don't feel as confident in that solid foundation as i did last year for some reason. it doesn't even make sense, because now i have my brother j.r. and a couple gilbert boys, and other efy friends scattered around, but i also feel like having my heart scattered around provo with different groups makes it hard for me to fall in love with where i'm currently at. so i'm worried about my new ward, because how can it ever live up to the people i fell in love with at ct? and i'm worried about dating, because i've already been in love once before, and how can i fall in love again without the fear of being hurt as bad as i was last time?

and gosh dang it, what if i run into him on campus and it just rips my heart open all over again? i hate that it's a fear i have, because i've come so far and grown so much since we were together. if he wanted to start again now, i would say no, most definitely not. you are not the person that i ever want to be with. i'm better and i deserve someone who appreciates that like you never could. but sometimes my memories feel so near the surface, and i'm terrified of how i'll act if i am forced to interact with him at some point. the thought makes me feel nervous, awkward, embarrassed, and all around weak. and all i want to do is feel strong.

but i am not that person. i am not a nervous person or an awkward person or a person who is easily embarrassed. i am not weak. i'm a strong person who knows who i am and what i want and what i'm working toward. i'm a realist. i'm a feminist. i'm a leader. i am not shy. my heavenly father made me all of these things, and when i hide them, i hide myself from the world.

"i have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. god never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. we just have to be willing to do it our own way. we will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become." ~sister pat holland

i'm trying to channel this song as my mantra for this school year, because i feel like this year is really testing how big my brave is, and i feel like tomorrow i want it to be bigger than ever. i feel like i need it to be.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

part of me is hoping that no one actually read all of that. another part is glad that a few of you did. and while being an open book makes me incredibly vulnerable, it also has an odd way of empowering me and making me braver than ever.