straight into the sun.

have you ever taken a slow-mo video on a iphone 5s? the video starts in regular speed, then goes to slow-mo until you hit stop, and then the last few seconds are in regular speed again until the video ends. 

well, i feel like i just lived one of those videos. 

this summer felt as if someone poured a giant tub of water over me in slow motion video. the first couple seconds were fast until the slow-mo kicked in and then the water fell silently as 10 weeks of efy passed. then regular speed hit once more for the last few seconds, and suddenly the video, and my summer, were over.

it's a funny thing, to look back on time that i barely remember passing and try to figure out what i learned from it all. isn't hindsight spectacular? about two days after saying goodbye to efy for the year, i realized that i was a different person than when i greeted it back in may. mostly a better person, i would hope. 

i learned that there is a good and a bad kind of bossy.

i learned that i'm not very good at letting people (especially boys) take care of me.

i learned that i'm happiest when i'm working as hard as i can and not thinking about myself.

i (re)learned that Heavenly Father answers prayers.

i learned that i don't feel the Spirit unless i'm significantly studying the gospel every day.

i learned that i need to be better at getting to know people.
i learned that i'm a more passionate feminist than i had originally thought.

i learned that i have a mild case of "fear of missing out" syndrome.

i learned that people like having me as a leader.

i learned that i only let myself get close to boys i don't actually see myself dating.

i learned that i can be whoever my Father in Heaven wants me to be with His help.

i feel like i became incredibly aware of my own weaknesses this summer, and at times, i let that awareness shatter my confidence. i probably had one day a week where i felt horribly inadequate, misunderstood, and alone. but the rest of the days i took those weaknesses and studied and prayed and tried to figure out how to make them strengths. i read somewhere this summer that the closer you get to Christ, the more aware of your weaknesses you become, because you are trying your best to refine them into strengths to be more like Him. i would love to imagine that that's the reason my own faults have become so apparent to me. 

i'm rambling, i know, and i apologize. i don't remember how to write for you people anymore, only for myself. so excuse me as i get the hang of this again, if you would. 

this summer changed me so thoroughly, that i'm not quite sure how to be me in the real world anymore. i'm facing the next couple weeks of moving and visiting home and then a whole new school year not knowing exactly who i am. a new ward, new roommates, new friends all await this person that i can't quite define. it's only in the quiet moments where i'm alone with the Spirit that i feel completely myself. and it's in those moments that i know the future is bright with hope. uncertainty, discomfort, fear....yes.

but mostly just hope.