the bachelor: week 5

guys, there was a huge shortage of a pictures from this episode online. suspicious.

tonight we've got me, brittney, alyssa, kelli, and sydney...

+Kelli is here and she thinks she hates Bach and she just doesn’t even know what is coming.

+We heard this ep is gonna be crazy dramatic and we are stoked.

+Guys! Molly the dog didn’t get to come to Asia with them?!

+So unfair.

+Mother Renee is a lot cooler when she’s not interacting with JuPa.

+And I don’t understand how Andi hasn’t had a one-on-one yet.

+She’s obviously the smartest girl there.

+Brittney is speaking some Asian language and bowing at the TV and I accept it.

Renee's One-on-One

+Does JuPa own any clothes that aren’t brightly colored?

+He said “Woohoo” and we instantly thought of this.

+I don’t think Renee knows any words besides “okay”.

+Really struggling in the vocabulary department.

+Shopping date?

+Bring on the “right fit” metaphors.

+“I just….I just DON’T understand how getting a dress is the perfect place to fall in love. I just don’t.” -Kelli

+It may not be the perfect place to fall in love, but it is the perfect place for metaphors.

+ MAJOR hand-holding.

+So much footage of the hand-holding.

+Since she’s not getting kissed, obvi.

+They’re taking Vietnam selfies!

+It’s gonna be great to look at these pictures someday when JuPa’s face is plastered all over magazines with another woman.

+Kelli is in physical pain right now.

+LET’S JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH MOTHER RENEE WANTS TO KISS JUAN PABLO.

+Wait, she has to wear the new dress tonight?

+“She wants to fit in. With the fire-breathing dragon.” –Alyssa

+We really like how JuPa says “damn”.

+It’s a little more like “dame” than “damn”.

+I wish the table had been set for 3.

+Mother Renee, JuPa and…..CH.

+I JUST MISS CHRIS HARRISON.

+I MISS HIM SO MUCH THAT IT HURTS.

+“We grew up and we grew apart.” –Renee, on Ben’s dad

+“People don’t fall out of love. They give up.” –Brother Dorius, Marriage & Family class 2/4/2014

+Vietnam is the home of top knots, as displayed in the house by the girls tonight.

+“You look so nice on your dress.” –JuPa, displaying , again, that English is his 2^nd language

+"I wished that I could kiss Juan Pablo tonight." -Renee

+“YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL US YOUR WISH UGHHHHHHH.” –Kelli

+News flash! You cannot kiss someone if they have children.

Group Date That is Really Clare's One-on-One

+Dog Lover is the literal best thing to ever happen to me.

+Good for Clare for not having friends on this date and scoring JuPa instead. #LOL #BACKOFFH8TRZ

+Okay, NO class from JuPa in kissing Clare in front of all the other girls though. Wildly inappropriate.

+I love fangirl Chelsie. And her “romantic morning with….Alli”.

+We’re giving Andi the PMS card this week.

+JuPa says “Trust me” and Andi is calm.

+He’s Aladdin.

+Or the snake in Robin Hood.

+Okay, I do agree with Clare in not acting like anyone else. But she still acts like she’s 20, not 32.

+They made all of those girls have different colored drinks for that “Cheers!” shot.

+How long is this one-on-one time with Clare?!

+He took her to his SUITE?!

+“Let’s just not kiss tonight, okay?” –Clare, as she continues making out with him

+“Like, it’s just the card on a platter? They should at least include cookies.” –Brittney

+“One hell of a date.”

+First of all….my kind of date card.

+Second of all….what does that mean?

+“Do you think they’re going to just read and analyze Inferno?” -Alyssa

+Didn’t recognize Sharleen during her one-on-one time until we saw her back.

+Because she never has fabric covering her back.

+JUAN PABLO IS A PIG.

+Oops.

+Said it.

+MEANT IT.

+He made out with 3 women on this group date.

+3 that we were shown.

+Maxi dresses were required on this date.

+WHY IS ANDI STILL TALKING?!

+Okay, I know that they’re all complaining like crazy, but why are they still showing her?

+Clare was not even sneaky about creeping out at 4 AM to go get it on with Juan Pablo.

+This is 100% Ben and Courtney right now.

+Juan Pablo, this thing that you have with her is called LUST.

+“Pregnant Clare is now pregnant.” –Brittney

+Guys, what if Clare actually left this show pregnant?

+“With Juan Pablo’s child.” –Sydney

+“Oh…I was thinking with some sneaky Vietnam man.” –Brittney”

Date with Nikki

+Hmm….when Juan Pabllo says “Nikki” it sounds like “sneaky”.

+Feeling a bit guilty about last night, eh?

+I’m sick of Nikki.

+“I either live or I die or I poop my pants.” –Nikki

+“POOP! POOP! POOP! POOP!” –Brittney

+“Hand off ass.” –Brittney, as Sandra Bullock in the Proposal, or Nikki repelling above JuPa

+“Watching them read and analyze Inferno would be more fun than this.” –Alyssa

+Kelli thinks Nikki’s not going to get a rose because she’s complaining.

+What she doesn’t realize is that she’s going to get a rose because she was “brave” and “vulnerable” and “really got out of her comfort zone”.

+Kelli’s new to this, so we’ll let it pass.

+Woops. Nikki forgot to wear pants to dinner.

+They're all really good at that.

+Just now realizing that Juan Pablo is the problem on these dates.

+I thought that all the girls were boring, but I think JuPa is definitely the one with no personality.

+He never has good conversations with any of these women.

+The only one he’s “connecting” with is Clare, and they’re definitely not connecting through words.

+Okay, he did talk to Sharleen quite a bit last week though. So there’s that.

+I just opened a snapchat of someone making velociraptor noises and Kelli goes, “That is literally how I feel right now.”

+And yeah, my friends regularly make velociraptor noises.

The Most Awkward Cocktail Party of All Time

+Guys like, I’m not capturing all of the pregnant Clare jokes that are happening right now and I’m really upset that you’re not going to get to hear them

+They had to do with Clare getting emotional and showing her first trimester hormones.

+“Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love.” –PREGNANT CLARE WHO ELSE?!

+“Wait, what did he say to Cassandra? She looks like his mom?” –Syd

+“Ooh, Renee. She’s another one of my favorites.” –Ju-freakin’-Pa

+MID-SENTENCE KISS.

+WE ARE MID-SENTENCE KISSING.

+OH MY GOSH I WANT TO BE MID-SENTENCE KISSED SO HARD.

+What? 

+Nothing.

+Gosh. Leave me alone.

+Renee’s dress wins tonight.

+Of course, I didn’t get to see Sharleen’s very well.

+Equal parts despise Clare and think she’s going to win.

+Do you guys think Clare is practicing her baby voice…for the baby?

+Okay so did they or didn’t they do the nasty?

+Idk, but read this.

+Okay but for reals though, I want to know what kind of lipstick they are all wearing to make out with him and not smear all over the place.

+I want that lipstick.

+Not that I’m currently kissing anyone.

+But like….for the future.

+I’m so over Clare that I’m not even commentating it anymore.

+But the awkward tension in the room is amazing right now.

+“I love Chris Harrison and I love his speeches.” –Me

+“Like, what if he became president?” –Brittney

+Okay, finally saw Sharleen’s dress and yep, Renee definitely wins tonight.

+Do you guys think Cassandra got a nose job?

+Ooh, or maybe Dog Lover?

+I’m betting that at least one of these girls has gotten a nose job.

+Oh my gosh, Dog Lover is gonna go home and I am SO upset about it.

+UH-SEPT.

+DOG LOVER! NOOOOOOOOOO!

+I am literally so upset.

+ This show is going to be so boring.

+Wow, the girls are crying over the 3 going home!

+This is insane.

+“Guys, Ali seems like a nice girl.” –Sydney

+“She hasn’t said 2 words…” –Lyss

+“Yeah, that’s why.” –Syd

+Okay, they are literally all crying.

+Like, Sharleen has emotions? For the girls who are leaving?

+I think it’s just really late at night.

+I cry when it gets late too. No worries.

+“They’re all just thinking about cats again.” –Kelli

link-up

kelli claims to not like this still, but she's wrong. this show is gold.