bachelor kick-off: the contestants

to anyone visiting from ten feet off beale where i guest posted today, welcome! poke around at the tabs up top to learn more about me, and leave a comment somewhere so i can learn more about you! ♥

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well, you guys, it is finally here. 

#JUANUARY

that's right. some genius over on twitter turned juan pablo into a hashtag sensation that my little punning heart was happy to run with. and oh, are we going to run. i'm not even entirely sure why we all love juan pablo so much, but we do, and we are ready for the ride of our lives. 

as long-time bachelor commentary followers know (and holy cow, i am so happy y'all are back!) during the bachelor season, my blog becomes the place to get your bach snark on once a week as i furiously type take casual note of the funny things said as we watch each week's new episode. yes, the show is utterly ridiculous, and that is exactly why we love it. (but for those of you who hate it.....skip the bach posts and please don't hate the rest of my blog, okay? #awesome)

and so we proceed today with my initial thoughts on the 27 contestants we are going to meet monday night....

1. alexis--okay the first thing i'm noticing is that your favorite book is the bible. that's awesome. but i'm also noticing that your cross necklace is sandwiched right up between the two ladies on your chest, so there's that. but props on picking elf as one of your favorite movies. i feel ya, little latina homie.

2. alli--all right, you're a nanny, cool. but at 26? you're still a nanny?! i also feel like there is something going on with your posture that is unsettling. but other than that, you seem pretty average, and i would love to go to new orleans for the food as well.

3. amy j.--so you definitely look like the really annoying girlfriend of some laid-back guy in a tv sitcom who just annoys all of his friends until he realizes that you talk too much and he snaps out of it and ditches you. and we all feel a little bit bad, because you didn't actually do anything wrong besides blabber incessantly. aaaaaaand after looking at the small paragraph under each question.....suspicions confirmed.

4. amy l.--guys. GUYS. click on her name, dear heavens, please click on her name.

are you back? okay. lady, in the name of fashion, why are you wearing that shirt?! your appearance scares me, but your answers are pretty respectable. except for you say you went on a cruise, but you didn't even mention the food, and that's physically impossible. pics or it didn't happen.

5. andi--cute name and you're pretty! also a district attorney, so giving you knucks on that one. okay wait....you convicted a murderer in 8 minutes? *bowing down* OH MY. suddenly my number one dream is to have this chick find some legal dirt on juan pablo and change the course of this entire season. pray with me, fans. please.

6. ashley--getting the strong impression that you were a pageant queen in a former life. but wait, this chick is an el ed teacher and she mentions dry shampoo in her bio, so i think that maybe we're actually soulmates. and i like her shirt. hey ash, can we be friends?! 

7. cassandra--okay, you look like you play sports. "former nba dancer"? close enough. HOLD UP. 21?! you are only my age?! having real issues with that and also why are you on this show? by the sound of your bio answers, i think you could use a little time in college. also feeling like 5'10" is too tall for our little 5'11" juan pablo. i think he needs a dainty lady. 

8. chantel--we've got another tall one over here. but can i just say that you are beautiful, and i think it's about time we had a gorgeous black woman take over this show? also, how are you the second human to list home alone 2 as their favorite movie? i just.....don't....

9.  chelsie--fairly certain you're the first contestant not from florida. also, if you think that saying you are a "science educator" instead of a "science teacher" makes you sound smarter, you are wrong. #sorrynotsorry. but i actually do think you're adorable, and you like harry potter, so automatic 10 points to gryffindor.

10. christine--95% positive that you are a mermaid. and i'm getting a hunch that you have a pretty good sense of humor. not sure what a "police support specialist" is, but yeah, sure, we'll let you in.

11. christy--there is no way you didn't play volleyball in high school and/or college. you make little-to-know impressions on me, but thanks a lot for making me want apples and peanut butter as a snack at 2 am. 

12. clare--oh, you are so pretty! lovin' that genuine smile. you're older than juan pablo, but only by a little. i feel like you probably have some huge heartbreak that has made life difficult, and you just need to be swept off your feet. your chances are 1 in 24.....

13. danielle--yeah, no. i don't see it. sorry, babe. i'm sure you're great, just not the one for me. i mean...juan pablo.

14. elise--please oh please oh please be someone that i can nickname "boobs" for the whole season? i feel really good about you being that person. and we have another teacher. i'm sensing a theme this season, and i would really truly love it if at least one of these teachers goes education nerd and talks teaching philosophies on the show. that's a thing that i suddenly really need to happen in my life.

15. kat--okay so she's from iowa, but she lives in az. definitely hoping for some zona talk. the only impression that i'm getting otherwise is "girly girl", and i feel like she's really close to her dad. just an instinct. i don't know. roll with it. 

16. kelly--LOLOLOLOLOLOL. her occupation is "dog lover". dog lover. not even dog walker or dog sitter. just dog lover. *insert laugh/crying emoji face here until the end of this post* GUYS. this show is gold.

17. kylie--okay so you either have to get off on the first night or someone needs to come up with a really good nickname for you, cause i refuse to let our names be the same if you stick around. i am not about that life. and really? jumanji? is that even a real board game? (tiny apology/warning....i am going to be more critical of you than the others. our name bears that kind of weight.)

18. lacy--nursing home owner. well look at you, miss established at 25. and holy crap, 11 kids and 9 of them mentally handicapped?! your parents are saints. i like you. i feel real good about you. and also that you might be too good for juan pablo. 

19. lauren h.--are we 100% certain that this girl is not the lead news reporter for a major nationwide network? i feel like we should really check on that. "mineral coordinator" isn't a real job anyways, right? (jk, i googled. apparently it's a thing?) respect for loving coldplay though. 

20. lauren s.--you look like an actress, but i can't think of who and i'm too lazy to investigate. loving the contradiction in your favorite movies. life is beautiful and shawshank redemption is cracking me up. and overall i'm just getting the feeling that you're super sweet, but you could secretly kick someone's butt hardcore if you needed to. 

21. lucy--more LOLing over your "free spirit" occupation. honey. just...never change, okay?. you are so 100% leelee sobieski in jungle2jungle and it is killing me rn. oh my gosh, you guys, this girl is going to be a riot and i could not be happier about it. please get on board with her being the best person in all of our lives.

22. maggie--okay, so i think we have another contestant in the "boobs" nickname category. this is gonna be fun. but you seem pretty wholesome, definitely a southern girl, and i'm trying hard not to judge you for listing hope floats AND the notebook as your favorite movies. 

23. nikki--no one naturally stands with their back arched like that. sorry hon, but someone had to say it. and i really truly do hope i get to see your "drunk dancing" on the first night. because otherwise you seem a little boring.

24. renee--i don't know why i'm so excited that your name is renee? you just don't hear that very often. but why do all of you fools like the notebook?! i refuse to go into depth on why that movie is not even that great, but it is NOT EVEN THAT GREAT!!!! renee, i'm sorry. you didn't deserve that. let's stick with the love of country music and pretend it never happened.

25.  sharleen--we have a canadian in the house!!!! in honor of my stéfanie, i will support you to the end. even though i'm fairly certain none of your favorite movies or your favorite author are real things. but hooray for being an opera singer, cause that's legit! 

26. valerie--val, if you would like people to take you seriously, i would suggest wearing a real bra for your casting photo. being a personal trainer does not excuse the sport bandeau. and you also stink at desert island. but i do think that maybe you could beat juan pablo up, and that's saying something so.

27. victoria--legal assistant from brazil who likes cats. already a good start, but then you list star wars AND lord of the rings as your favorite movies, and i literally don't care about anything else that you say, because you are the one nerd i have seen in this entire list and you have my full support. 

and as a BONUS.....here is what i said about juan pablo before last season started: 

28. juan pablo--please let this be exactly what you want to be called at all times with no nicknames whatsoever. also, you are probably the exact outcome if bradley cooper and matthew mcconaughey somehow spawned a child.

and that's a wrap! 

i typically watch new episodes the next day on hulu, and hopefully i'll be pretty consistent in posting commentary on tuesday nights. if you'd like the chance to be quoted on the blog, tweet me at @kylieinthesky with any noteworthy comments! the snarkier the better. 

happy bach-ing!