different.

it's not that i thought everything would be like it was the last time i lived at canyon terrace when i moved back this year. but....well, i had hoped.

two years ago i had the best unity among roommates that i'd ever had. julie, stéf, shybree, and i were so, so good together. we made friends very quickly in this ward before. there was never a shortage of people to hang out with. and not just on the weekends, either! we frequently went to other people's apartments and played games or watched shows during the week. we went to every ward activity, all of us together, and made friends together. we were eager to spend every single monday night with our fhe family laughing together. then we would go to macey's for our weekly grocery trip. we danced a lot. i cooked often, and spent tons of time decorating apartment 17 for holidays and keeping it clean for company.

but this time is different.

i see each of my roommates about once a day, usually in passing. we never go anywhere all together. i've yet to hang out with anyone in the ward outside of break the fast. i've skipped ward activities to be with alyssa or my freshman friends. i don't get home till late every day, so i rarely do anything social on the week days. i've only met my fhe family once, and while they seem nice, i can already tell that fhe is not my highest priority anymore. i never have time to cook, besides the occasional pretzel night. i have yet to finish decorating my apartment, and i let it stay messy and cluttered far too often since i don't have any guests coming over anyways. we never dance and i laugh a lot less.

i am so very different than i was 2 years ago.

i have friends in many different groups all over provo, so i haven't focused much on getting to know people in my ward.
i'm more guarded with who i open up to and who i act myself around.
i'm a lot less hyper and silly.
i work more hours and have more homework.
i'm more cynical and less light-hearted regarding dating and friendships in general.
i'm more introverted.
i'm more confident in who i am, but i also tend to think i need other people less because of my independence.
i'm not as close to the people i used to be close to.
i focus more on the future and feel a sense of endurance rather than excitement in school.
i feel old now.

i didn't mean for those to all sound bad, i promise. don't get me wrong, i've made a lot of great changes too. i've learned a whole lot in 2 years, and i wouldn't want to leave those lessons behind. i laugh less at home this year, but i cry less too. i might not be dating anyone (at all. ever.), but i know more about what i want in a relationship.

i think i'm finding that i just take pleasure in different things than i used to. like work and alone time. and writing boring, reflective, picture-less blog posts in the middle of the night.

but i also think i might be kind of lonely.

and i wish i had the energy to be 2-years-ago kylie sometimes. i don't know where she got all of that energy, but it's certainly gone now. all used up on trying to be available and likable and exciting with no success. i spent two years exerting all of my energy into meeting people and trying to date, and now i feel like i could spend an entire year isolated with just my closest friends and netflix to keep me company.

i feel like it's time for me to quit trying and let someone else have a shot.

come find me this time.