Bachelorette Kick-off!

Y'all have seen this, right? Bios of all the new Bachelorette contestants? Well I saw it, and I read it all, as only an afternoon secretary in a dead office could do. And can we just all love that the Bach people made the mistake of having one of the questions say "Do you prefer a man who wants to be pursued or a man who pursues you?" Good one, producers.

Anyways, obviously I wrote this, because this is my life and I do what I want.

Bachelorette Bio First Impressions:

Ben--honestly, you make no impressions on me besides the fact that your favorite movie is Transformers?!  Like, what the heck is that about?

Brad--Favorite flower? "A rose. I hope to be getting a lot of them." I'm sensing some great one-liners out of you.

Brandon--Two fist bumps for choosing Sandlot and The Goonies as your favorite movies. You seem pretty high-adventure, but you're also a contractor, and I've just always thought that was a super attractive job for some reason, so props to you.

Brian--I look at your face and I just think NO. And then I see your favorite movie is The Notebook and I stop reading your bio.

Brooks--I think you are trying really hard to be a hipster, and also the fact that you own a kilt is just a little unsettling.

Bryden--(Why are they all B names?!) Your name is not a real name. Sorry bud. You're a war vet, so respect there, but otherwise, you seem a little boring. Sorry again.

Chris--You played major league baseball? That's hot. Unfortunately, you are not.

Dan--FAKE TAN. Also, you're a "Beverage Sales Director"? That's classy-talk for "Bartender", right?

Diogo--Just...no. You look so sweet, but also maybe you remind me of a Care Bear? So.

Drew--You are the white version of my Colombian friend Juan. You're also from Arizona, and you made a couple jokes that appeal to my sense of humor, so I like you for now.

James--Dude, you are HUGE. You left the "Greatest achievement" line blank, but you totally could have put "the width of my shoulders" if you wanted to.

Jonathan--You are the man they should have cast as Edward Cullen instead of R-Patz. You are a beautiful attorney, but you seem vain, so poo on your face.

Juan Pablo--Please let this be exactly what you want to be called at all times with no nicknames whatsoever. Also, you are probably the exact outcome if Bradley Cooper and Matthew McConaughey somehow spawned a child.

Kasey--I'm probably going to end up calling you Kacie B., so get ready for that. Also, maybe you are the human version of Remy from Ratatoutille? You have semi-famous family members, and I think you are going to really rub that in all of our faces.

Larry--Nope. No. Nope. Not happening. No. Not unless you lose the glasses and get a haircut and also change your name and what your personality sounds like on paper. But you did write "To meet Chris Harrison" as one of the reasons for doing the show, so at least you have one thing going for you.

Micah--Why is there more than one guy on this show that has the facial features of a mouse? I don't understand. Although your "ultimate date" is to Costco apparently, so maybe we could be soulmates after all.

Michael G.--I have nothing bad to say about you. I think you could maybe have an ego, but for now you seem pretty solid, so props to you and also thank you for convicting that notorious gang member in your fancy job as a federal prosecutor.

Mike R.--You are a dental student/model from London, but I'm not okay with your "most outrageous" activity answer, and also why does every man want to be Tom Brady?! 

Mikey T.--Props to you for being confident enough to still go by the name Mikey at 30 years old and also for wearing a deep-plunging v-neck in your bio picture. I have a feeling we're going to hear about your late grandfather within the first 5 sentences you speak.

Nick M.--You have beautiful eyes, and also you seem like a super classy guy. Not sure why it takes you an hour to get ready for a date, but we'll look past that and focus on the positives.

Nick R.--So I feel like I've seen you before and that's definitely weirding me out. Also, you are a clothing designer and a magician who dreams of "owning my own condo" in 5 years, so that's definitely....something.

Robert--So I can't really tell if you're attractive or not, but I kind of can't stop looking at you. I think that possibly you're adorable and maybe I love you?

Will--You said you are the type of guy that would take a date to the gym to work out with you, so you have no place in my life. But secretly you aren't horrible because you like Lord of the Rings, and that is the nerdiest any of these guys have seemed so far.

Zack K.--You're a book publisher, so that's kind of cool. And you're attractive. Other than that, you are super boring on paper.

Zak W.--Every book on your favorites list was on my Humanities 202 course list. I don't know whether this is impressive or embarrassing. I also don't know if you're trying to be funny and overcompensating or if you're actually like really hilarious.

Well that activity officially occupied an hour and a half of my work time. Woot! Are you guys as excited as I am for this season? The enthusiasm out there is great. I can feel it.

Anyways, here's the deal: I will be doing EFY for 7 weeks of this season, and I'm not sure how blogging is going to work out. I really want to do it still, because I know a lot of my friends enjoy it, and I enjoy it, but I'm just not sure if it will work. Right now, I'm planning on watching the episodes Tuesday nights and posting after that. If I can handle the lack of sleep required to do this, I'm going to. But if not....I might have Alyssa guest posting her commentary instead. How do y'all feel about that?