five on friday: christmas movies

so a few days ago i found the most accurate buzzfeed list of all time. i can say that on pretty good authority because i have read a lot of buzzfeed lists. and i know that it is the most accurate because i also happen to know a lot about the topic it is on: christmas movies.

in the last few weeks of school, my roommates and i really took advantage of my netflix account and watched as many cheesy made-for-tv christmas movies as possible. in fact, i may have even spent a little bit too much time watching movies and not enough time studying for world religions. i regret nothing.

so today i'd like to review the last 5 christmas movies on my netflix viewing activity and tell you why you should quit reading blogs right now and put one (or all) of these on instead.

five made-for-tv christmas movies that will (maybe) change your life

1. holiday in handcuffs

guys like....melissa joan hart and mario lopez. that's enough, right? to get you to watch it? and the fact that the premise of this movie is that mjh (whose character's name is gertrude) literally kidnaps a guy at gunpoint and forces him to be her date home for the holidays. at gunpoint. and somehow they still fall in love. (see also: why kylie is single. because she doesn't own a gun.)

here's the thing: this movie looks like it is going to be the dumbest thing on the face of the planet, and then suddenly it changes your life for the better. trust me on this one. you should really watch it. even if all that gets you to push play is the prospect of  mjh's horrible perm alone. 

2. holiday engagement

this was the movie suggested to me on netflix (super proud of that fact) so of course we had to settle in and see what it was about. i mean, we knew what it was about. obviously you can tell that the main actress is going to pay someone to be her "fiance" for the holidays to ward off disapproval from her uptight parents. you can get all of that from the cover and the fact that it's a made-for-tv christmas movie. but i didn't look at the cover long enough to even realize that haylie duff was going to show up 22 minutes in, so there were all sorts of surprises up in there. 

honestly though, the movie was a letdown. i wanted it to be way better than it was. not the worst we've seen, but definitely not holiday in handcuffs stat. 

3. christmas cupid

i am going to lie to you right now and tell you that chad michael murray is enough to make this movie worth watching. except that he's not. chad michael murray is a lot of things in this world (see also: perfection) but he is definitely not enough to redeem christmas cupid. 

things that are wrong with this movie: 

a. everything besides cmm

b. ashley benson. whyyyyyyy?

c-z. everything besides cmm

i just....i don't understand why this movie was made? don't get me wrong, i appreciate a good stupid movie, but this one was just too much. at the end of the movie the classic workaholic protagonist somehow ends up even more selfish and without christmas cheer than at the beginning. the only good thing is that we get to see cmm's face a tiny bit (not nearly enough tnh) and ashley benson's ridiculous character (who is a ghost, obvi) finally decides to venture to the next life for good.

4. desperately seeking santa

oh, abc family. you've done it again. guys, get this: the premise of this movie is a workaholic woman (what?!?!  i have literally never heard of that character before!) wants to boost sales during the holiday, so she hires a "sexy santa". who is also known as vince, from what i like about you. and then.....what do you know, they gosh darn fall in love!!!

this one actually wasn't too bad. better than christmas cupid and holiday engagement for sure. maybe that's because of nick zano? i will say that they made his character way too perfect. i don't think they showed anything bad about him the whole movie, and that's just unrealistic. almost as unrealistic as a "sexy santa" campaign actually being effective in a family-friendly department store. i would also like to note that this movie definitely wins the award for the most made-for-tv christmas movie cliches, which is actually a pretty great award to win, if you ask me

5. 12 dates of christmas

this. this movie. so far 12 dates of christmas takes the cake. i mean, look how she tenderly pulls on his scarf from behind. can't you just tell that they were meant to love each other?! and truly, who doesn't love a good groundhog day-esque story line, huh? repeating the same day over and over and over and ov--you get the point. the idea is gold. 

yes, all the cliches are there. workaholic woman, kind and charitable new man, cold and bitter past man still somehow getting in the way, cute neighbor lady who makes bread, a mother's recent death still causing traumatic pain....but they're the kind of cliches we love to love, and somehow abc family makes them work in this one. please watch it. please love it. please feel the joy of christmas in your bosoms. 

WELP. 

the end. 

bachelorette commentary

so after watching each week's episode of the bachelorette, i love reading recaps from a couple of my favorite bloggers here and here.

well this week i decided to type the commentary that comes from watching this with all my girl friends each week. yes, i realize no one asked for this. but we enjoyed ourselves, and hopefully anyone who follows the show will enjoy it too. i'll probably post it next week either way, but if you do find this entertaining, leave a comment and let me know. because it'll make me feel better about posting it.


beware: we have a lot to say.

+Prague is so romantic? This show would try to make Gotham City romantic.

+Hometowns are next week?!

+How is Wolfman still there?

+Sloth (Chris) needs to go home. He is still creepin’ me out.

Arie’s Date

+Em. Shorts with boots. Always a bad idea.

+She really likes kissing him. A lot.

+Is it as easy to kiss while walking as they are making it look? Someone help me out.

+Years ago? And very brief? Why are they making this such a huge deal??

+We think Emily would have thought it was weird.

+Ten years ago?? He was 20!! Don’t be a snob, Emily.

+He’s making this worse for himself. Uh oh.

+ She’s trying to make him confess something, but he doesn’t even know he’s hiding anything.

+BECAUSE IT WAS NOT A BIG DEAL.

+But at least we know he has tats now so…. We like tats.

+They just needed some drama because all the guys get along now that Ryan’s gone.

+“That brought peace to my soul.” That phrase was uttered when we heard she was over it.

+Arie for the win!! Okay, I feel better now. The show can go on.

+Sloth, Doug, and Wolfman need to go home.

+Wolfman has pec cleavage. Whoa there, buddy. When did that happen?

+I’m sorry, did he just say his own name really awkwardly?

+Rewind. Yes. Yes, he did. J-eooohn.

Back to Arie

+Arie was the first to say it!

+It is ridiculous how much we are enjoying this.

+He used to be a sloppy kisser, but somehow he cleaned it up. We approve.

+ “I want to make out with Arie. Really bad.” ~Kelsey, I think?

+“Oh my gosh, feel my goosebumps. I have permanent goosebumps.” ~Kelsey, definitely.

Wolf Date

+“What is that thing on his body? What a great outfit choice. That’s gonna win her over.” ~Zoe

+Like, what is he gonna do when everyone else calls him Wolf and she refuses to?

+Could you sit farther away from each other?

+Their date doesn’t deserve the John Lennon wall.

+She doesn’t like him at all.

+You’re gonna send him home, but you’re still going to do the whole lock thing? YOU RUINED THE TRADITION FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD.

+Lock metaphor. Classic.

+Jef has a tat too. That’s hot.

+“Chris. Stop. Being. A. Sloth.”

Back to Wolf

+Another dungeon?? Dungeons aren’t romantic, Em.

+We just can’t get over the fact that his name is Wolf.

+Why is he telling this sob story about being cheated on?

+ “This doctor dude.”

+He is not over that cheater girl. “I mean, his name is Wolf.” ~Kelsey

+I bet cheater girl called him Wolf.

+Brianna, can we call Joey Wolf? Why not? Okay, we digress.

+Ew. Don’t kiss him. She does not like this.

+Just send the poor guy home.

+Chris. You look like a sloth, and that is why she does not want to go on a date with you.

+We like Jef’s style. Even though he was probably one of the characters on Sandlot.

+Sloth wears TOMS?

+ Confident? Actually Wolfman, you’re going home.

+Go get her Sean!

+We are chanting. “Sean! Sean! Sean! Sean!”

+He’s yelling? Just running through Prague and running? And the producers don’t just tell him where she is? What is this?

+Why the heck is she just walking down an alley?

+“I’m just going to rub your muscles!” Says Emily.

+ “Just shut up and kiss me.” Also says Emily.

+Sean just freakin’ stole a one-on-one! Whoa there, tiger.

+“She only has one happy face.” ~Zoe

+“It’s the botox.” ~Me

+ "Sexy kisses in Prague." ~Kelsey

+ “I miss kissing.” Say all of us.

+Okay, Kelsey is finally getting over Charley, because of Sean.

Group Date

+Okay, somehow we’re talking about Ames instead of listening to the group date. We’re excited for Bachelor Pad so he will be back.

+Doug has a good attitude about the date. But he’s still going home. Mostly because he hasn’t kissed her yet, but also because he is boring.

+Do they drink at any time of day, or….?

+Her jacket is PINK.

+He either doesn’t like her at all, or he’s gay. Because he refuses to touch her.

+And there goes an awkward accidental touch.

+This is so awkward.

+He’s going home. And somehow he has NO idea.

+Went for the kiss and it was SO awkward. Yikes. Shouldn’t have done that.

+This is pathetic.

+You guys, she’s breaking up with a puppy right now.

+“I feel really weird for kissing you just now.” Well…..yeah.

+Poor little buddy. He’s a good guy.

+They all cry. Why do they ALL cry?

+Could he be the next Bach? He really wants to find a mommy for Austin.

+ “It’s a man’s key.” ~Sean

+“We should make a shirt that says ‘Sister Wives for Sean.’” ~idr who said this

+“I call being the last wife.” ~Kelsey

+Chris: Serial Killer Sloth.

+She’s forgotten about you, buddy.

+Chris is waiting, so we have to go upstairs, but let’s pause on the staircase and make out first.

+Okay, we really love Jef. Maybe not for her, but we love him.

+ Think I could stalk him in SLC? My old roommate is friends with him on facebook….

+Kelsey’s dad is judging us, but this show is freakin’ entertaining.

+“I’m not gonna dwell on that?” I’m sorry, Chris, but that’s the only thing you have talked about all week.

+She is leaning away from his kiss.

+“What does Sean do for a job? He’s sexy, probably.” ~Kelsey answers her own question.

+She takes the seat next to Sean. Obviously.

+Sean gets the rose, easily.

+Like, it’s sad that Chris is even around still.

+Remember how Chris is 25? And how awkward it was when she realized that? The entire relationship is built on slothing and awkwardness.

Jef’s date

+Jef is adorable. We may or may not call him “Wittle Jefy.”

+Puppets. Creepy or cool? I just think of the kid-snatchers on Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

+He’s randomly good at puppetry? Closet talent.

+He’s buying a puppet for Ricki. Okay, called it! Awesome.

+What the crap, Em? Make better shoe choices. Tassels? Really?

+We're trying to decide if it's weird or super awesome that he’s good at puppetry...

+Guys, remember the skateboard?

+ “You make me say really awkward things.” “Uh…I really like your nail polish.”

+They are super cute together.

+I think he may have just passed Sean on my list.
+“This is weirdly adorable.” ~Kelsey?

+Somehow, I want to own puppets now.

+Audible “aw-ing” over here.

+ “Can we get a dog together?” We love it.

+“Okay, I would drop the puppets and grab his face.” ~Brianna

+“Please tell me I didn’t just hear that.” ~Kelsey’s dad walking through the room

+You guys, we love him.

+Jef is (or was) definitely Mormon. His parents are “committed to something for a couple of years.” They are on a mission. Or mission presidents in South Carolina. I wonder if they’re in Clay’s mission?

+They’re actually talking about real stuff. We like that.
+I’m genuinely curious to know how many kids she wants. She always says it’s a lot, but like….Mormon a lot, or rest of the world a lot?

+I think I might have just fallen in love with Jef.

+“Like, screw Arie, screw Sean—“ ~Me

+ “I’ll screw Sean..” ~speaker not disclosed.

+Hysterical laughter. ~All

+As a gift to the world, Jef and Emily need to have babies. Because…adorable hipster children. Everywhere.

Rose Ceremony

+Is the Sloth high? I think he’s going to murder someone.

+You’re going home because you acted like a 5 year old, Sloth.

+“Is Sloth crying? I love your pain!!” ~Kelsey, maniacally.

+Wolfman should not be as confident as he is. Or at all.

+She’s gonna send them both home.

+Kelsey wants Sean. The rest of us want Jef. For the win.

+“Has Lu seen this? Cause she’s gonna crap her pants.” ~Bri

+It’s gonna be down to Arie, Sean, and Jef. And they are all really different.

+“Arie’s a racecar driver, so he’s manly, but not manly enough to play contact sports.” –Kelsey. My fav. quote of the night.

+Hair: Good.

+Dress: Blue tin foil?

+ “This show could morph into Brother Wives, and I would be okay with it.” ~idr

+Is Sloth really going to pull her out and talk to her right now? Cause that is not ballsy. That is awkward. There’s a line.

+Thank you for telling us, Chris Harrison. Because we can’t see that there’s only one rose left. Every time.

+Uh oh. What is Sloth doing??

+This is awkward for everyone.

+I feel like she’s usually wrapped in a blanket.

+Sloth, I think that your gut action is who you are.

+She’s sending him home.

+I mean, please send him home.

+We are yelling at the TV. That was ridiculous.

+Sloth? Really? HAVE YOU SEEN HOW LONG HIS NECK IS?

+Creepy moose heads….

+“There’s something really eerie about Chris and this city and the music right now. Prague just got really creepy.” ~Kelsey

+Next week is Emily’s turn to break down. We welcome it.

+AND now we are watching Jef’s date again. Don’t hate.