straight into the sun.

have you ever taken a slow-mo video on a iphone 5s? the video starts in regular speed, then goes to slow-mo until you hit stop, and then the last few seconds are in regular speed again until the video ends. 

well, i feel like i just lived one of those videos. 

this summer felt as if someone poured a giant tub of water over me in slow motion video. the first couple seconds were fast until the slow-mo kicked in and then the water fell silently as 10 weeks of efy passed. then regular speed hit once more for the last few seconds, and suddenly the video, and my summer, were over.

it's a funny thing, to look back on time that i barely remember passing and try to figure out what i learned from it all. isn't hindsight spectacular? about two days after saying goodbye to efy for the year, i realized that i was a different person than when i greeted it back in may. mostly a better person, i would hope. 

i learned that there is a good and a bad kind of bossy.

i learned that i'm not very good at letting people (especially boys) take care of me.

i learned that i'm happiest when i'm working as hard as i can and not thinking about myself.

i (re)learned that Heavenly Father answers prayers.

i learned that i don't feel the Spirit unless i'm significantly studying the gospel every day.

i learned that i need to be better at getting to know people.
i learned that i'm a more passionate feminist than i had originally thought.

i learned that i have a mild case of "fear of missing out" syndrome.

i learned that people like having me as a leader.

i learned that i only let myself get close to boys i don't actually see myself dating.

i learned that i can be whoever my Father in Heaven wants me to be with His help.

i feel like i became incredibly aware of my own weaknesses this summer, and at times, i let that awareness shatter my confidence. i probably had one day a week where i felt horribly inadequate, misunderstood, and alone. but the rest of the days i took those weaknesses and studied and prayed and tried to figure out how to make them strengths. i read somewhere this summer that the closer you get to Christ, the more aware of your weaknesses you become, because you are trying your best to refine them into strengths to be more like Him. i would love to imagine that that's the reason my own faults have become so apparent to me. 

i'm rambling, i know, and i apologize. i don't remember how to write for you people anymore, only for myself. so excuse me as i get the hang of this again, if you would. 

this summer changed me so thoroughly, that i'm not quite sure how to be me in the real world anymore. i'm facing the next couple weeks of moving and visiting home and then a whole new school year not knowing exactly who i am. a new ward, new roommates, new friends all await this person that i can't quite define. it's only in the quiet moments where i'm alone with the Spirit that i feel completely myself. and it's in those moments that i know the future is bright with hope. uncertainty, discomfort, fear....yes.

but mostly just hope.

heartbreak and healing.

valentine's day is tomorrow. i love that holiday. i love it even though i've only spent it with a boy once. i just always have. tomorrow alyssa and i have a valentine's mash-up for you all, but for today, i thought i'd write about something more serious. i wrote this post for byu women's services and resources, but i think it's the most open and honest thing i've ever written, and it deserves to be shared here as well.

i looked up from my phone for just a moment as i stood at baggage claim in salt lake city waiting for my new purple suitcase to appear on the track. i was surprised when i caught sight of a face i knew. it was the face of a girl from my old ward, who i had talked to just briefly, maybe twice before. i knew virtually nothing about her. but she said hi, so i put my phone away and we talked for a minute.

we exchanged only tidbits of information, nothing of importance, until she mentioned the name of a boy who used to be in our ward. i had heard something about the two of them dating the summer before, but even without that hint i saw everything i needed to in her eyes. she was heartbroken. 

she spoke more freely then, telling me more than she probably would have under any circumstance besides being horribly lonely. but with every word she drew closer to tears, and as her eyes brimmed with moisture, mine began to as well. because when i looked in her eyes i saw the same agony and hopelessness that had filled my heart just 9 months before.

i remember the day it all began better than i would like to. march 18th. i remember what i was wearing, what classes i had, the tightness in my chest when i realized what was happening. i remember being stunned that this could happen so out of the blue. when i was so sure of him.

more than anything, i remember the worst pain i've ever felt in my life. it was emotional, spiritual, physical. it felt like that beating, bloody muscle was actually being torn to pieces. it felt like if i didn't have my arms wrapped tightly in front of my chest a dark hole would open and swallow me up. it was a pain i didn't know i was capable of feeling.

i never knew what a broken heart was until i had one myself. i'll admit, i thought it was all melodrama, and that you could just shake it off and move on, easy as that. but i had never been in love before, and i had never had someone tell me they didn't love me back.

it didn't take more than a few hours for me to realize i wasn't going to get through this on my own.

i'd had strong experiences with the atonement in the past. i'd handed over sins and guilt to my Savior's shoulders, and i'd let his sacrifice free me of my transgressions. but i had never considered that Christ could take away even the pain that wasn't my fault. i remember vividly one night shortly after the break-up when i sat on my couch drowning in pain. i felt it everywhere, pressing down on me and making it hard to breathe, hard to see light, impossible to feel hope. and i finally gave up and said audibly,

"i can't do it. Father, i can't do this. i can't handle this pain any longer. it hurts too much for me to bear."

and immediately i heard a whisper in my head, my Savior beckoning me forward saying, "kylie, I died for you. I suffered for you. I lived through this pain so that you don't have to if you will just give it to me instead. because I can handle it for as long as you need." 

so that's what i did. i put my pain on his shoulders and tried to live without it. it was there--it was always there--but i went from constantly drowning in sorrow to just a bit fragile. i took each day at a time, and i made my Savior my best friend. and i did whatever i felt i needed to do to heal, without worrying about what anyone thought. i wrote the boy a letter that i never wanted a reply to, i quit cooking for awhile, i blogged, i found a new job, i started reading for fun again, i started running, and as spring poured into the valley, i felt myself getting slowly stronger with the sun.

it was months before i truly felt whole again. before my heart felt put back together. i wish it hadn't taken so long. i wish i could have bounced back easier, that my heart could have been more resilient. but sometimes fixing something that is broken just takes time. time and trust and faith and a whole lot of reliance on the Savior to bear the pain.

 "Behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God. Behold, they were in the midst of darkness; nevertheless, their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word; yea, they were encircled about by the bands of death, and the chains of hell, and an everlasting destruction did await them.
And now I ask of you, my brethren, were they destroyed? Behold, I say unto you, Nay, they were not.
And again I ask, were the bands of death broken, and the chains of hell which encircled them about, were they loosed? I say unto you, Yea, they were loosed, and their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love. And I say unto you that they are saved." (Alma 5:7-9)

the Savior has the power to change your heart. whether your heart is guilty, lonely, stressed, or horribly broken.....He can fix it. will He take the pain away completely? probably not. but will He help you bear it immediately? i promise that He will. 

so we stood there, two people barely acquaintances in the overcrowded salt lake airport, as college students returning back to school bustled around us grabbing their luggage. but time was still for us. and i rememered that at exactly this moment the previous year, the boy had come to pick me up. he'd brought purple flowers, and i'd smiled. but now, as i saw the heartbreak in this girl's eyes and the hopelessness in her tears, i knew exactly the state of her broken heart. and i tried to take that pain away from her for just one second, to make it easier for her to bear. i hugged her, and she hugged me back, desperate for something to hold on to. i wished i had time to tell her everything i had learned from my Savior about healing, everything that helped me feel whole again, but the moment passed and we both got caught up in finding our bags and finding our way home. maybe, if i'm lucky, she'll read this and know.

and there's one more thing i would tell her: don't give up on love. don't give up on being yourself and being vulnerable and letting people into your life again. elizabeth gilbert said, "this is a good sign--having a broken heart. it means we have tried for something."

i'm just tired.

i haven't written a post like this in a really long time. somewhere along the way in growing my blog, i quit being vulnerable. even though i told you all yesterday that my most vulnerable posts are the ones i love the most, i somehow let those posts become rare. but this post is long overdue.....

this whole last year has been really hard. not the kind of hard that comes in the form of huge trials spaced close together. i haven't had to fight severe disease or tragic death or anything like that. not that kind of hard. but this last year has been the kind of hard that leaves me with an overall sense of......tiredness. of loneliness. of homesickness. of feeling like i'm doing everything i can and i'm not seeing any rewards.

it's more like a dull ache than a stinging pain.

now i'll admit, i've had some really great days and made some awesome memories. i've had the best roommates ever, and they make me laugh about 11 times out of 10. but over all i just feel so exhausted. i am so sick of constantly trying to make friends outside of this apartment. i feel like i've been trying to get used to this "new" home and this "new" ward for the last 10 months that i've been here. more and more frequently i find myself thinking "i just want to go home." only i don't even know where home is anymore, because shouldn't this place that i've been living for 10 months feel like home by now?

i've shared my favorite quote in the world here before, but i have to share it again:
"miraculously i have found that i have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. but the moment i indulge in imitation of my neighbor i feel fractured and fatigued and find myself forever swimming upstream.....we will always have enough resources to be who we are and what we can become." -patricia holland

only here's the problem--i've run out of energy. i'm sick of being outgoing. i'm sick of going out of my comfort zone. i'm sick of being the person to instigate plans and sit with crossed fingers the whole time just hoping that people actually want to hang out with us. i'm sick of canceled plans and snapchat being the only form of communication. making friends here has felt like pulling teeth for 10 months now, and my energy is finally all used up.

you can't go back. i know that. i'm usually really good at living in the moment. but all i can think about is how badly i long for the days at CT when all the friends i ever needed lived just across the courtyard. we saw them, talked to them, hung out with them multiple times a week. it was so easy.

so i think i'm going to go back to being a recluse. sitting at home alone with a book or netflix sounds much more appealing to me than extending a thousand invitations that very few people accept. i have no energy left to make friends unless they're willing (and excited) to come to me. come join my comfort zone, maybe. then maybe if someone else puts in the effort i'll have more energy to leave the cave*. otherwise i'm just too tired.
*no, literally. my blanket is named "the cave".

read my most recent post for byu wsr here

the limit does not exist.

well hello, blogging humans!
what a crazy week! with everything going on last week, i had to neglect the blog and email completely and just focus on getting better.

here's what happened:
tuesday i had the worst headache of my life (this coming from a person who gets chronic migraines). it was also my 4th day straight of a fever that wouldn't stop, and i couldn't stand up without my vision going white. i had two friends come give me a priesthood blessing, and after that i felt well enough to get some sleep and take myself to the doctor wednesday morning.

wednesday my hemoglobin level was 6.3 (normal is 12-16), so my doctor told me to go straight to the hospital and get a blood transfusion. i had joked earlier in the week about being hospitalized for anemia.....and that is exactly what happened.




i got two units of blood transfused, and i could literally see my face regaining color the longer i sat in that bed. after about 5 hours in the hospital, i started saying things like "blood is nature's lipstick". that's when i knew i was ready to be home.

that night people were really nice and they brought me ice cream and flowers and pizza and candy. and then we watched the bachelor wedding because necessary.


dq cookie dough blizzard. i'm a simple woman, but i have good taste.

thursday they checked my hemoglobin again to find that it had risen to 9.9, which was better, but still pretty anemic. i was told to skip class and work the rest of the week and stay home to rest. not mad about it one bit. then i got some ultrasounds which gave me the good news that i don't have any tumors. yay!
my home teachers brought me lunch, and i started watching sherlock, which was a great suggestion from tons of you on twitter, but really isn't helping me keep my heart rate down like i'm supposed to. thanks a lot, guys.


friday they took some blood for testing. seems a little counter intuitive considering i don't have enough of it to begin with. but it's for science. so.
i re-read mockingjay and spent the whole weekend snuggly buggly in the cave. ('the cave' is the name of my favorite blanket. roll with it kthxbye.)


just this morning they called and prescribed some medication that should help regulate my hormones and my blood count, so i should be back to normal in no time. i'm back to work and class today because i can't afford to miss any more, even though my hemoglobin level is still a little bit low. i still feel a bit light-headed if i stand up too fast, and i haven't made it through a day without a nap yet, but i'm taking it easy and being careful with myself, and my blood count should be back to normal soon.

thank you all so much for the kind emails and comments and tweets! each one really does mean a lot. i have way too many people praying for me and thinking kind thoughts. :) y'all are the best.

and now i will leave you with this...
the number of times that i have said the words 'uterus' and 'hemoglobin' this week:

airing my dirty laundry.

i had a bit of a 'come to jesus' experience last night. 

and when i say 'come to jesus', i mean literally, a return to christ being the most important part of my life. 

i feel like i've been in a rut for awhile now. i've felt lazy, not creative, selfish, and lonely. mostly lonely. i've felt like i'm missing something. like i'm all ready for the next big thing in my life to happen, but nothing is actually happening. and to be perfectly honest, i've been a bit of an impatient brat about it. 

last night as i sat down on my bed to do my scripture study, i pulled out an old journal from 2012. i had listened to a spotify playlist i made freshman year at work that day, and it had made me nostalgic for that old expired part of my life, so i thought i would flip through my old journal and see what i had written during that time. i got through a few months (and only a few entries, because i'm a rather less diligent journal-writer than i am blogger), and i came upon this page...

and that's about when i realized that the kylie of a year and a half ago was a little bit smarter than the kylie of today. and a lot more humble and patient. 

and i remembered that god has a timeline for my life. he can see the whole picture and know exactly what trials and what blessings to give me and when. just because i feel ready for something right now doesn't mean that giving that thing to me would be the best idea, and i've been stubborn and proud to think that i knew better than my father in heaven. 

so i'm going to practice a little more patience and a lot more humility from now on. and i'm going to trust that he can see the whole picture while i'm just looking at a tiny, zoomed in portion of it. because why would i ever push such security away?

{posting on the byu wsr blog again today.}

the barrel of the gun.

i saw him today. or i guess i should say that i talked to him today. because i saw him from afar twice last week.

i didn't have to go to my music class this morning, so i slept in a bit, did some homework, and then took my time getting ready for class at noon. i fussed over my outfit for awhile, trying to figure out the best way to wear my camo jeans and white wedges together. you know, stupid stuff like that that only a blogger would think about. but i figured it out, and i finally left the house feeling pretty good about myself.

then i walked to school in the sunlight. it's a beautiful day, and though i woke up feeling kind of sluggish this morning, the sunlight woke me up and made me smile.

i should have prefaced with the fact that i've been thinking about him a lot lately. more than i have in several months. usually thinking about him was a destructive activity--something that made me unnecessarily sad. bringing up old feelings that are otherwise dead, if you will. redundant and torturous. but lately when i think about him i'm thinking more about the experiences, not about him. about what it was like to be in a serious relationship. about canyon terrace, and my fhe family, and dating someone in my ward. about what i learned through it all. and i'll be honest....i missed it a little bit. just the companionship, i think. but not him.

anyways, i walked into the marb, heading to one of my el ed classes. the marb is a science building, so it's kind of random to have my educational seminar class in there. i actually spend a lot of time around the science buildings this semester, and he's pre-med, so at the beginning of the semester i thought i might run into him. but 4 or 5 weeks have gone by now and......nothing.

the point is, i was in enemy territory, but routine told me i should have been safe.

and then there he was. i walked into the building, towards the drinking fountain and.....oh, hi. he saw me, i saw him, there was no avoiding it. my heart started beating faster. i couldn't run away, i couldn't hide, and for a second.....i felt trapped. but i took a breath and i stood up straighter as he walked towards me. and i didn't freak out.

"hi, kylie."

"hey."

"do you have a class in this building?"

"yeah, an el ed one. kind of random."

an awkward moment as we both stood at the drinking fountain. then he fumbled over some words about having class in the building too. i realized he was more uncomfortable than i was.

i got a drink and then looked at him right in the eye. thank heavens for the shoes i wore that made me just his height; whoever invented wedges has my highest praise today.

and then..........there was a moment. a potent, nearly-tangible moment as i stared down the barrel of the gun and thought quite clearly, "i'm not afraid of you. why did i think i was afraid of you?" and i smiled.

"good to see you!"

turned around and walked away.

and then i got over it.

how big your brave is.

i wrote this blog post all in one sitting without editing or re-reading anything. i also wrote it with no intention of ever posting it. but even though it's going to make me really, really vulnerable, i'm going to do it. because i'm brave, and because i have faith in myself.

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i'm sitting here alone as all my beautiful roommates sleep on the night before junior year starts, and i'm having trouble sorting out my feelings. i've been uninspired to blog lately, but i felt the need to write my feelings out freely.

i feel so much promise in this new year.
i feel excited to move further in my education toward becoming a real teacher.
i feel just a little bit nervous to audition for noteworthy.
i feel apprehensive about my new ward, but i also feel like it has a lot of great potential.
i feel sad knowing that i'm starting this new school year without rachel and laura. i miss them so much it literally hurts my heart to think about.
i feel worried about being myself in front of new people.
i feel a little bit confused about who i really am this time around. what impression am i going to make on people?

at the start of last year shybree, julie, and stéfanie made me so hyper all the time. and when we were all together, that hyperness never really went away. i remember one night we were at a birthday party for a boy in our ward, it was one of the first weeks of school, and julie and i were particularly loud and outgoing. i remember that i ended up leading a game of big booty, because no one else was really taking charge. i was in a group with a bunch of people that i didn't know, and i led the game without any nervousness. it was a moment when my "red" personality really came to surface. after that night i remember telling those boys that people used to think i was shy. they didn't believe me, because they didn't see an ounce of shyness in me at all.

this year i feel a little bit more shy, and i can't decide why that is. i think i might have a less secure base of people around me. last year i already had a boyfriend at utah state, so i didn't feel the need to impress any boys in our ward. this semester i don't have that, and i don't even want that actually, but i think that made me a little more outgoing. last year i had stéfanie, julie, and shybree as my solid foundation. and to be perfectly honest, i have never felt more at home than with those 3 girls. now julie is married and i haven't really talked to her in months. shybree's on a mission and i miss her energy, always dragging us to a dance party or something exciting like that. i have stéfanie, and i love her maybe more than i've ever loved any other human, but we haven't been able to be as close this summer because of efy and traveling and i feel like we need to get back in the groove again.

i have ashley from efy and we can literally talk about anything. i have hannah here from home and it's so comfortable, as it usually is with someone you've known forever. and i'm excited to get to know sydney and brittney even better and love them even more than i already do. but i don't feel as confident in that solid foundation as i did last year for some reason. it doesn't even make sense, because now i have my brother j.r. and a couple gilbert boys, and other efy friends scattered around, but i also feel like having my heart scattered around provo with different groups makes it hard for me to fall in love with where i'm currently at. so i'm worried about my new ward, because how can it ever live up to the people i fell in love with at ct? and i'm worried about dating, because i've already been in love once before, and how can i fall in love again without the fear of being hurt as bad as i was last time?

and gosh dang it, what if i run into him on campus and it just rips my heart open all over again? i hate that it's a fear i have, because i've come so far and grown so much since we were together. if he wanted to start again now, i would say no, most definitely not. you are not the person that i ever want to be with. i'm better and i deserve someone who appreciates that like you never could. but sometimes my memories feel so near the surface, and i'm terrified of how i'll act if i am forced to interact with him at some point. the thought makes me feel nervous, awkward, embarrassed, and all around weak. and all i want to do is feel strong.

but i am not that person. i am not a nervous person or an awkward person or a person who is easily embarrassed. i am not weak. i'm a strong person who knows who i am and what i want and what i'm working toward. i'm a realist. i'm a feminist. i'm a leader. i am not shy. my heavenly father made me all of these things, and when i hide them, i hide myself from the world.

"i have untold abundant sources of energy to be myself. god never gave us any task beyond our ability to accomplish it. we just have to be willing to do it our own way. we will always have enough resources for being who we are and what we can become." ~sister pat holland

i'm trying to channel this song as my mantra for this school year, because i feel like this year is really testing how big my brave is, and i feel like tomorrow i want it to be bigger than ever. i feel like i need it to be.

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part of me is hoping that no one actually read all of that. another part is glad that a few of you did. and while being an open book makes me incredibly vulnerable, it also has an odd way of empowering me and making me braver than ever.

drag you around, but bring you back to where you were.

{moment of appreciation for the iphone 5's camera.}
{moment over.}

being home without many friends here these last couple of weeks has given me a lot of alone time to really just think, and i decided i want to write some of those thoughts out here, because it's my blog and i can.

 i've been reflecting a lot on everything i learned this summer at efy and even on some of the biggest happenings since this time last year. at this time last year i was headed into my second year at byu with my favorite people as roommates and absolutely no idea what was in store for me. i was confident in going back though. byu had become my stomping grounds and i couldn't wait to get back home to it.

and then so much happened last year that tested and tried me and hurt me and made me better. 

i learned so much about relationships and love. i learned about being a feminist. i learned to rely on the Lord not only in times of sin, but also in times of pain. i learned how to let people take care of me and see me in tears. i learned how to walk out of the storm and into a new day with a smile on my face and trust in God's plan.

on thursday i leave zona to go back to byu again and start my junior year of college. and i'm realizing just now that a good part of my current situation is exactly how it was last summer. new roommates who i already adore, a new apartment, new ward, new classes, new boys to be interested in. 

but i'm not going back the same person that i was last year. the experience is going to be different because i am different. i am different, but i am better. i am better because of the challenges and because of efy and because of my Savior. 

in cleaning out my room last night i found a poem that i wrote for an english assignment senior year of high school. i changed the middle two stanzas to match my life now and i'm gonna pull a bachelor-chris on you all and share that poem, which is something i've never done of this blog before, so go easy on me. 

in which i almost tell you a really great story about kissing.

{this is a picture of me kissing a fish. it's really significant.}

so not only did i neglect writing my blog this summer while doing efy, but i also neglected reading all the blogs i typically follow. 

that is, all the blogs but one. 

bonnie's blog just has me hooked! she's honest, hilarious, and she doesn't fake anything like a lot of bloggers do. she's been doing a throwback thursday post each week (kinda like i did at the start of the summer, only hers are usually hilarious and people actually link up). 

well this week her throwback topic is......*efy drumroll*.....FIRST KISS STORIES. 

except....HA! i'm not gonna tell you mine. 

sucks for you. 

jk.

except i'm really not gonna tell you. 

cause i think at least a year and a half has to have passed before you can tell that story publicly to whoever the heck stumbles over it, and, well, only about a year and 4 months have passed since mine. 

too soon to tell that story in detail, my friends. 

but here is what i will give you: end of freshman year of college, i was 19 (yeah, you read that right), we'd liked each other for awhile, it was a typical doorstep scene after a date, short and sweet. it was nice.

so yeah, i realize this post would have been a lot more exciting if my first kiss had been as awkward as bonnie's first kiss story, (and if i had typed up exactly what i wrote in my journal right after it happened like she did), but i sure as heck wouldn't go back and make that sitch awkward. because lbh, i just naturally ooze awkwardness, and it's a real blessing that i avoided it in the first place.

i will tell you that immediately after he left i started laughing so hard i was crying. by myself. and that's how ashley nelson and my roommate chelsie found me as soon as they got back to my apartment. 

so feel free to rub that one in my face if you'd like. 

oh and can we talk about how jaimei and i used to take pictures kissing random statues and things and caption them "someday"? 

and yeah, maybe i was saying "someday" until i was 19 and 6 months, but i'm actually glad it took that long. like i told my efy girls every week, don't kiss anyone unless you really like them and they really like you back, and neither of you are kissing anyone else. cause otherwise, you will look back and wonder why the heck you did that. and thankfully, i don't have to do that at all! no regrets. 

(and efy girls, don't kiss anyone till you're 16 anyways. ;))

and that, my friends, is about as exciting as my little love life gets. 

barefoot.

it was 68° today. 

i walked to and from work and classes slowly, to soak up as much sunshine as possible. i had to dress up for a job interview, but i think i would have worn a skirt anyways, because the skin on my legs needed to feel the sun. 

i think i might photosynthesize happiness.

i had to walk to the byu conference center for my interview, and since it was quite the trek, i decided to take off my shoes and let my feet get me there on their own. the feel of my bare toes in the grass was a trigger for memories of last year at this time. i was the happiest that i've ever been in my life. i'd made these amazing friends that i now call my roommates. i was learning so much in my personal gospel study. and i was in the midst of my first (albeit short) romance. my apartment complex had hills and grass between each building, and i walked freely between buildings barefoot, despite the oddity. my spirit felt free then, and walking barefoot underneath the pink blossoming trees made me feel free too.

i didn't feel quite as free today. 

i was walking more on cement than on green grass. the pink blossoms haven't come out yet. and instead of my first young, and innocent romance, i'm nursing my first real heartbreak. 

but i felt strong out there in that world with no shoes on. i felt independent. i remembered what it was like to think for myself and only myself. to be in the silence of my own thought. to have dinner plans for no one but me. 

i felt both empowered and lonely.  

i could have gone home after my interview, but my current apartment complex has no grass to sit on outside, and to stay indoors would have been to strangle my spirit. so i sat down in the grass outside the library, all alone, ate an apple, and read a novel. a novel about a girl looking for love and finding herself instead. 

and i realized, i think that's where i'm at right now. finding myself instead. i'll be the first to admit that it's a lonely place to be. i miss coming home early to cook dinner for both of us and whoever else would let me feed them. i miss sitting at the living room desk doing puzzles. i miss always having plans. 

but in the past week and a half, i've done more for myself than in the last three months combined. and my quiet, healing heart is grateful for that. it's grateful for a barefoot walk across campus all alone. it's grateful for the good kind of lonely.

because sometimes you have to be alone to remember just who you are. 

sometimes being lonely makes you the strongest.

where our roots have grown so deep.

this post is my centennial birthday gift to my favorite state.

the kids i nanny wanted to go outside today and i had to say no, because at 9 in the morning it was already over 100 degrees.
then i went to the outdoor mall and discovered, regrettably, that i am not quite tall enough to really benefit from the misters.
then my dad came home after a 12 hour shift in the heat and fell asleep immediately, because that's just what the arizona heat will do to you.

so i guess the middle of the summer isn't exactly the best time to explain why i'm in love with gilbert, arizona, is it?
but after 19 summers here....i still can't get enough.

i love arizona because we make food with prickly pear cactus fruit.
and because we have an indigenous lizard called a gila monster that no one else knows about.

i love arizona because we have desert mountains with tall saguaros and bushy chollas.
and because we have sunsets that show every color of the rainbow.

i love arizona because we have food straight from mexico.
and because the more sketchy the restaurant looks, the better the food will taste.

i love arizona because we learn about our state geography in elementary school.
and because we grow up on country music.

i love arizona because we have cities, small towns, and my own little gilbert, which is right in between.
and because i rarely go to the store without seeing someone i know.

i love arizona because when people come here, they come back again and again.
and those born here love to stay.

i love arizona because it is my home.
and because it always will be.

[oh and don't worry, i only stepped on 5 pokey cactus sheddings
in the process of taking these pictures.]

we are hardy stock.

thought i'd given up on blogging for good, didn't you?

so did i.

first off, an explanation: my first semester of college sure looks fun from the viewpoint of my blog, but in reality, it was a pretty miserable experience for me. i struggled A LOT with my self-confidence, not making friends, and feeling like i had no one to talk to. i spent way too many nights crying alone in my room, because i just wanted to go home to arizona. kind of dark days, people.

but.

i went home over winter break, figured out who i was again, prayed a whole lot, and knew that i had to make my second semester at byu better than the first. even though i wanted nothing more than to transfer to asu and stay in az forever, i knew that God had sent me to byu for a reason, and i needed to find that reason. so i went back.

and oh my gosh, you guys.

the middle of march found me crying myself to sleep again, but this time it was because my heart was so full of joy and love. there was absolutely no room for sadness in my life. with complete reliance on the Lord, somehow i had turned my life around. i made friends that are going to last a lifetime. i did better in school. i made room in my life for the perpetual smile that i had been missing for so long. and when it came time to come home to my beloved zona for the summer......i didn't want to leave.

the quote above, written over the beautiful spring blossoms of utah that i still can't look at without smiling, came to me at the best time possible.

you guys, sometimes you have to burn to the ground. sometimes things have to really, really suck. sometimes you have to be at absolute rock bottom, with just a sliver of hope left, to be able to appreciate the all-consuming love that can and will follow.

to be continued....